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W went to the birthday party for her friend tonight. She came home around 11:15. Didn't say a word to me.

Earlier, D17 went out with her friends and told me she was going to be hanging out at one of their houses. I called her around 10 to check when she would need a ride. Normally she needs to be home by 11. She told me her friends mom would bring her home and asked to be home at 11:30 to which I said 'ok'.

Now, W comes and asks me where D17 is, should we call her, etc, etc, and is annoyed. I tell her, and let her know when D17 should be home. She's 5 minutes late and I told W that if she was not home by 11:45 I'd call her and embarrass her in front of her friends parents. W backs off.

At the time, our little beagle dog who is a mamma's boy is sitting on the couch being my buddy, and giving me some face lickin' because he is desperate for attention. He 'usually' sat with W in the evening and she usually was the person who gave the dogs attention. Lately he's been coming to me to hang out at night.

W said she was going to bed and I said that she should take the Beagle with her as he would sure like to sleep with her. He likes to sleep with his head in her butt. Yes, he's strange. He's a beagle.

She says "Well he can't because he'll get used to it and I'll be gone soon and it'll be too hard for him. It's bad enough he sleeps outside my bedroom door"

Well, ok then. I guess she's doing EVERYBODY a favor by distancing herself so we'll all 'get used to it'.

So, W gos to bed. A few minutes later D17 comes home at 11:45. I ask her about the 15 minutes late and she tells me she had a hard time getting her friends mom to leave to take her home.

She doesn't ask if W is home but would know since W's car is here. She tells me good night, says ILY and goes to bed.

So, I'm up in the bedroom on my laptop posting. Both dogs are here with me. This is our life. There's nothing left to hang on to, and no hope that anything will change. She's totally vacant of emotion, totally checked out. There is no love here.

What a mess my family is in. Sometimes I feel hopeless but I do my best to have faith.

Hi Frank,

I've learned that If there is one constant in this universe, it's change. Be still and let nature take it's course. Observe it's change and accept it. Adapt to it as best you can. That hopelessness comes from trying to intervene and change it's direction. You will always fail in that regard.

You have been at this a lot longer than most, I really wish you peace in the future!

Frank,

No grand point.

Just a song that spoke to me. I think it's about finally reaching that point where you're just pissed because you're tired of hearing that

a) you did nothing, and
b) she tried everything.

Made me think of your deal right now.

Nothing more than that.


Sometimes you need to get pissed. Call em like you see em.


bill

Frank....let go...just let go of her life decisions right now. You've held on for so long.... I waited for so long for the 'epiphany'. I thought that there would be a day when I'd wake up and there she'd be with a flower...or gift....or softly spoken word...that this was over and 'let's get that marriage we want'.

Not happening.

I don't believe that your W is going to wake up with the epiphany either. If not.....will you be a stander? Are you a believer? Is there 'hope for reconciliation?' If so....is it months away? years away? coming at all?

Are you happy?
If happiness comes from within, what are you doing to be happy today?

Is your W XXX a need or preference? What is she telling you that YOU are to HER?

All old questions frank. Someone on my old thread started to hammer me about being on the fence. I wouldn't say your behavior is the same...but....where is FRANK? What does he want?

FIB

FIB,

just checking in to say hi and sending prayers and strength to you at this dark time. Here's my cliched platitude for the day: It's darkess before dawn.

There, I'm done. But I think of you often and hope your pain eases with time. I know it will, but I know this sucks big time right now. Hope your kids come out of this with as little damage as possible. You know, there are kids of divorce who grow up to be better spouses and to have learned from the parents. Cycles do get broken.
(( j- ))

Frank, you of all people should recognize where exactly your situation is right now and what exactly you should be doing.

Not to be an asss or anything, but you know what, screw her right now. You have done your work buddy, you have made incredible changes and efforts to make life better. She chooses to distance herself from you, the kids, hell even the dogs. You know where she is at, what stage she is clearly sitting in.

Get back to the business of being FrankD. Being a strong man, strong father, and strong leader. Here's some reality for you dude, FIB hit the nail on the head. For you at this point, this far along in your journey, there is no fence riding option.

Have you ever read Franklin Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people? If not, I think you should Frank. Mainly because I believe you could use his advice as a leader in business and use it in your personal life. A lot of what Covey does is he teaches you how to prioritize the tasks that you need to accomplish. He has you classify them basically as:

A. Needs to be done today.
B. Should be done today, but can be done early tomorrow.
C. Can wait until tomorrow.
D. Not a major priority get to it when you can.

Not for nothing, but the way your wife is behaving and her attitude and comments, she is definitely a D item for you right now. You have so many A, B, and C items that you could be focusing on right now, so forget the D's.


I hope you get what I am saying in all of that my friend, I know you have the tools to do what needs to be done here. YOu have done it before. Just hate to see you fumble around with something you know is unhealthy and not in your best interest.

Take care of yourself and your family,

Ian

Thanks Ian.

Today W went to her church. I went to a Divorce Care meeting at a Foursquare church nearby. It was good for me.

When I cam home later she was wearing her headphones and singing while moving the rest of her clothes from the master bedroom closet into 'her room'.

Later she and the girls went to meet W's dad for dinner. He has been meaing to take them out some time ago for D17's birthday but he didn't know what to do after she told him about the D.

I told him just invite them out and I'd not go so it wouldn't be uncomfortable for them. So he did and it was tonite.

D12 asked me if I was going and I told her no, and that is the way it will be from now on and I'm sorry. She was upset, but went anyway.

I kind if got sucked into the drama with W moving her stuff and it knocked me down a little. I'm ok now. Just working on accepting the divorce will happen.

And yes, she is a 'D' priority.

Ya know...I might get that book myself.

Hijacking...to 25...yeah..I'm in the storm.

To frank....the blame game is done frank. If you really want to blame yourself, blame that you chose to marry your W (same as me) with the issues that were brewing.

I love sofars comments. Yes...choice D.

Time to stop the analysis. You know how you..we..all got here.

XXX is not having the epiphany and is not coming home for dinner.

x + y = b, therefore, y = b - x

Huh?

Frank was a great internet mogul. His W is abandoning the marriage and stressing stuff out.

Frank minus the stress = internet mogul

Put this down. Focus on frank and kids. Grieve it but go forward. If the epiphany happens, then, again, choice D.

FIB

Well, I had a talk with W tonite about financials and some other things. She is calm, collected.

I told her about some deals that will happen and what they will mean financially. She gave me the "oh, I'm glad that's working out you deserve it because you worked so hard". Neutral, unexcited. Just dry.

I did say that it's been difficult because I haven't magically been cured of the anxiety I had the past year and she offered to help me pay for a doctors appt and medicine. I told her that I'm relying on exercise and diet which is helping and that my counselor said I will be fine and that I would rather spend the money on BILLS. I explained to her the REAL bills that must be paid and that while the bills she pays are important, they account for 1/4 of the monthly overhead.

She seems to think that if I don't run out and see a doctor, get meds, whatever, that it's a 'cop out' and I need some kind of treatment. I get the feeling she is painting me as some kind of loser in need of psychiatric help and the 'fact' that I'm not doing what SHE thinks I should do - get medication - further proves that I am messed up and she needs to detach from me.

I told her it would be nicer if she would be a little more friendly, and she said that this is the way she has to 'do it'. She has to detach from me.

This all makes sense. she sees me as a 'sick person' who can't or won't get help and since I won't do things that she thinks I should do, like run and see a doctor to get meds.
Whatever. the conversation was one in which no matter what I said, she just had no emotion. She is detached, and just talks to me like she is avoiding getting sucked into 'drama' with me.

I guess that would make sense. I've been an emotional mess for so long and the only way she can 'save herself' is to detach from that emotion. She can't help me so she has to detach from me or go down with the ship.

Maybe it really is me. Maybe she is the sensible one. I sure feel that way. I'm being needy again. She is detached, indifferent.

She does not love me any more. Just like that.

My kids are hurt. She still plans on moving out and hopes I keep the house. None of this makes sense any more.

I feel sick.

I was going to write something about how maybe I'm just fooling everyone. Maybe I'm just a manipulative, needy person and I've manipulated my W all these years to keep her with me. And that she has to detach from me, as she is saying, in order to be free of my manipulation.

Except that, for that to be true, wouldn't I have to have a pretty overpowering personality? Wouldn't I stop her from doing all the things she likes to do instead of encouraging her?

I think I was NEEDY at times and maybe came across that way, and that may be a form of manipulation, but not enough to be considered 'controlling'.

I guess I'm trying to understand why she suddenly 'had to detach', move to the guest bedroom, etc.

And when she said to me tonight that she 'could see that sometimes I was not doing as well as other times' I told her that watching my KIDS hurt has an EFFECT on me. I said I'm sorry you really don't care about how I feel so I won't expect any support from you.

Geeze, what does she expect? I'm supposed to be in this situation and not FEEL anything? Not react?

So, she HAS to detach. As she said quite clearly "This is how I have to do it". NO feelings when she said it. That's what 17 years of marriage, 22 years of relationship boils down to.

Maybe she was starting to feel the pain she's causing last weekend so she moved into the guest room. So she can detach.

Also, tonight when D12 was going to bed she cried and told W that she hated this, she wished she could fix it but she can't. W just told her she loved her and it would be ok.

Even when I spoke to W later about this, she showed no emotion. She is checked out. She saves her emotions for her friends.