If you recall, in January, she opened up her own checking account, and ordered her employer to deposit her payroll into her own account. At that time, we agreed that I would (continue to) pay all of the bills, and she would deposit money into my account for this purpose. Tomorrow will be the fourth paycheck that she has received under this arrangement, yet she has made just one deposit into my account. The car payment and mortgage are currently delinquent (damaging my credit).
Mark,
I understand the principle you are following in not filing yourself, I really do. I'm beginning to question the wisdom of sticking to it.
From one perspective, you are forcing her to be responsible for her decision to leave the marriage. From another perspective, you are shielding her from the consequences of that decision. Right now she can do whatever she wants--hoard money, schtup Shrek, and abuse you--without any consequence. The person who pays for all of these decisions is you. By delaying she gets to maintain daily access to the kids, live in the house and drive the car, and cook up ways to extract the greatest benefit possible from the divorce. From what you have said, Shrek has a lot of experience with divorce--so I'm sure that they are colluding against you.
The question I have is this: at what point is your stand on principle going to hurt your kids? You have already conceded that the divorce is inevitable. So if you let her ruin you financially, who else is it going to effect? I doubt very much that your W and Shrek will worry much about saving for college funds, weddings, etc. After all, they have love, and don't need anything else. So you, being the responsible one, will step up to the plate because that is the kind of guy you are. In fact, I'll bet she's counting on that.
Also, we are scheduled to meet tomorrow at lunch, presumably to discuss logistics for the divorce.
Well, as I said, we get the ball rolling tomorrow.
The state provides protection to spouses in this situation. So tomorrow, I will mention that to her - she will be compelled to pay her fair share whether she wants to or not.
The bottom line is that I completely agree with nutfarmer as well. I will do nothing to slow-down or stop the divorce. It's what she wants, and it's what she will get.
Also, we are scheduled to meet tomorrow at lunch, presumably to discuss logistics for the divorce.
Well, as I said, we get the ball rolling tomorrow.
The state provides protection to spouses in this situation. So tomorrow, I will mention that to her - she will be compelled to pay her fair share whether she wants to or not.
The bottom line is that I completely agree with nutfarmer as well. I will do nothing to slow-down or stop the divorce. It's what she wants, and it's what she will get.
Might be work a letter from your attorney to remind her of her responsibility. She is used to ignoring you.
Thanks for the encouragement. I will not be emotional. Indeed, this is step #1 on my pathway to freedom from the person who has brought me so much pain.
I intend to request (demand) the following:
- We will handle this as if it were contested (esp. regarding finances and disclosure).
- 50/50 custody of the kids. I will settle for nothing less, and if the divorce were to be contested, the judge is known to grant this request (in the absence of physical or substance abuse - none of that here).
- We will both exercise flexibility in working around each of our work/travel/personal schedules
- We will alternate years on carrying kids' health insurance.
- Medical expenses not covered by insurance will be documented and reimbursed by the other parent on a monthly basis
- We will make equal contributions to the kids' college funds in an amount that will be mutually agreed upon during the divorce and adjusted each December. If one person wants to make additional or larger contributions, the other party will not be compelled to match any increases or additional contributions.
- College expenses above what can be covered by the aforementioned savings plans will be split between us.
- Expenses for all extracurricular activities will be split equally after the divorce is final.
- We will consult each other before making significant decisions that affect the kids (eg ear piercing, contact lenses, etc).
- We will follow the holiday schedule format as recommended by the Family Court (it's equal and fair to both parents).
- This will be very confusing and difficult for our kids. In the interest of making this easier on them, we will both agree that neither of us will introduce a new partner to the kids until 365 days after the day that the divorce is final (This will be a "handshake" agreement - not in the divorce papers).
- #3 will attend Catholic School. She will continue her parochial school education as long as we both agree that this is what is best for her. All expenses with regard to her education will be split between us.
Although I have these in writing, I will review them one at a time with her. When I am finished, I will give her the paper to review.
IMO, all of the above are fair and reasonable requests. My expectation is that she will reject the second and second-to-last. She will cave on the former, and never agree to the latter.
