Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Reclaiming myself and my life 4

Frank...don't forget the thoughts we discussed from Bill. They become unhappy and then come to an illogical conclusion..that the thing closest and most long-lived in their life...is the source of their pain and unhappiness.

Listen to Bill Frank..he ain't blowin' smoke up your skirt. It's easy to lose sight...when you are stuck in the middle. Your in 'blame quicksand' frank and the more you struggle to understand this, the deeper you sink.

No one is saying 'treat her like her dirt'.
No one is saying ignore her.
No one is saying file.

We're all just saying like DB Chuck....deinvest...for a bit...for a few days...?weeks?..months???...and reinvest in YOU. Sgc says you are not helpless and she is RIGHT...you are not HELPLESS in helping yourself to get healthy. Just STOP.

In your own words, JUST BE.
You'll be OK.
FIB

Sorry - I'm not being very clear but I think Amy has me covered. I should have said - in the state of mind you're in NOW, YOU are seeing/thinking it's all your fault. You can't see past that because you're stuck in your own blame game. But it was not all you.

She is still rockin' and rollin' !!!

Ya know - my ex still "says" he doesn't blame me, but still can't admit to having any kind of inappropriate relationship with her. Seeing our errors? She's exactly right. He still can't admit he was wrong in anything. Everything he says to me now - lip service.

Take care of you, fix you and see what you could have done differently......and work on that. But make the changes for you, not to "save this marriage"....

Actions - NOT words. Actions.

This is a good point. W doesn't think anything she is doing is 'wrong' in any way. The 'text messaging buddy - married guy' is not a problem to her. The affair 2 years ago, well, it was a 'growth thing she had to go through'. It took a long time for her to admit that the affair was 'wrong' and even now I don't think she has really come to terms with it. She is in denial and is able to 'justify' it even today.


Yes, that's all there is to do now...

Sorry for being confusing earlier. I'm stressed, not getting a lot of sleep and I think I leave words out of sentences

BTW you might not point it out to her on a regular basis that it wasn't just your fault....but it is something to note for yourself. And if asked, might be ok to bring up.

For us, when he'd ask why, I'd recant how I felt the 2 years or so before that. Each day gone, I have another reminder of something bad.

He had told me around Christmas that he thinks we could reconcile (With God's help - he seems to bring God in when it's convenient to him).....and I told him there was no way - too many bad, I'm the same person he hated, etc. === he said he thought I must be further along, because he "only remembers the good" ........ as he's living with his girlfriend

NUTS I tell ya!

P.S. All of that said, do remember you more than likely did have a part in it too, so you have to figure out YOUR part of it and work on that. I don't want to seem like I'm saying you're blameless, just know it didn't happen overnight all by your lonesome.

Frank,



This is what bothers me. Exactly when is your wife supposed to grow a conscience? Maybe she never will. Maybe her mental, moral and spiritual universe is so amorphous and self-centered that she may never come to grips with the concepts of accountability and responsibility. Maybe the best she can do is live by her impulses and feelings. Basically, "I'm OK, you're OK."

My therapist is minister and he told me he recently preached a sermon is Norman Vincent Peale's (Power of Positive Thinking) old church. The title was, "I'm NOT OK, You're NOT OK, and that's OK". The congregation was scandalized that someone would dare to say that they might have some problems, or perhaps we might need to admit fault.

--Theoden

That is a really scary church to me, Theoden.
It is not biblical at all.

I'd have never been allowed back a second time.

Much less a third, etc...

That church has too much "law" and not enough "grace".

That is sad, too, because those people become like robots...following their (misguided) leader and they are hypocrits - yet they are probably out there witnessing. That is why people don't embrace Christianity - because most churches offer such a warped image of it.

Sorry, just rubbed me wrong...

I wouldn't say she doesn't have one, I would say that she doesn't 'get' what responsibility means when dealing with another ADULT in a marriage. And plays the victim instead of feeling like she has any power of her own - until she breaks and then she is 'all powerful' over her life and her desires.

Still, I think about the good things she does and if it weren't for this 'blockage' she has when dealing with relationships with men she'd be pretty complete. I understand it comes from her childhood abuse but still, she is AWARE of it and doesn't get real help for it.

W has started going to the gym at 5:30 am now. This morning D17 had an anger outburst at me because I "wasn't helping her get the pets fed". She usually does this on her own anyway, but W is here and helps out or is at least PRESENT. D17 said "Why doesn't she move out NOW since she isn't here anyway!"

Not much I can say to that. I offered to help but she was done already and that wasn't her point anyway. She is just feeling the disconnect from mom.

On another note, W is aware the car payment is behind since they call us about it. She said on monday that she had money to pay it and I asked her to xfer $500 into the house account so I could pay online. I've also covered food bills the past few weeks so I mentioned it would be a way to reimburse me for that. She was pissy and said she would do that.

Asked tuesday night and she said that she did xfer the money.

Today, it is still not there. I already paid the bill under the assumption that she had xferred it. I don't understand why she had to lie. I wasn't pressuring her, and I am finding that I have to go out of my way to be very careful how I say things so I don't come across as either 'needy' or 'bossy'. But it doesn't matter because she is usually angry or defensive no matter WHAT I say.

She really doesn't understand the kind of pressure I'm under financially. I've been under this for so long I'm sort of used to it. JUST the mortgage is more money than her entire monthly income.

Stop making excuses for her.

She "gets it" perfectly, Frank.

She just doesn't care and is 'pissy' because she knows she actually should be paying her way but she can't carry her own weight.

You may soon need to make some difficult moves such as unloading the car before she destroys whatever good credit you do have.
Additionally, revisit that roommate (college boarder) question someone brought up a while back. And tell her it's time to go because she sucks the life and light right out of that house.

This brings to mind another thing that I processed back in early 2007 in coming to grips with the end of my marriage. Once this line is crossed, it seems to me that it takes a herculean effort to ensure that you would not cross it again.

Infidelity ALONE is an issue that takes ENORMOUS effort for most marriages to overcome. Put infidelity together with a situation like most of us have been in, where daily we were more worried about the state of a possible reconciliation, and it's easy to see how we can allow a CLEARLY significant issue to be minimized in our efforts to restore the "marriage."

I asked my ex-FIL once how I was supposed to overcome this matter should the ex and I reconcile one day. Since he had been through a very similar ordeal with my ex's mother (i.e. multiple affairs and even a divorce for a year), I asked him how they got through that part of the reconciliation. His response was that they never spoke of that time period again.

That bothered me, because I don't do "stick your head in the sand" all that well. But I guess that's one approach.

Sorry, just pondering here.


Blessings,

Bill