Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy The mistress has more than I can offer

Dayana,

Phew...I was pleased to hear from you.

I wouldn't push him any more about leaving OW unless you are willing to stand by what you say. IMO if you keep pushing but don't actually make him stick to following through he gets the message that you don't mean what you say - better not to say it then so that when you do say things you are going to stick to he knows you mean what you say.

If one of his big worries is that things will be just the same as they were before, perhaps the best thing is for you to just carry on and just make very sure when he sees you that you are showing him you are changed by the way you behave. He does sound uncertain about OW but he has to be ready to make the break in order for that to happen; I think I was very lucky with the timing in my sitch that I believe my H was ready to call it a day really when he told me about his A.

I think your idea of going away this weekend and waiting for him to contact you is a good one. Personally, I would go with the expectation that he won't break it off this weekend - that way you won't fall too badly if he doesn't.

If he was really unhappy when he went away with OW before, that perhaps tells you something,; namely that prolonged contact with her doesn't benefit their R. I see that as a positive.

If you don't feel able to go the ultimatum route, (and I get the feeling that is not the route for you at the moment), then go with making sure all your interactions with your H are as positive as they can be - show him you are the better option.

Hang in there.

I agree with Saffie, too much pressure will push him away. Don't give out empty threats. If you do that he'll never take you seriously. And if you give an ultimatum make sure you are entirely prepared to follow through with it.

In other words, are you ready to divorce him today if he continues the A? If so then give the ultimatum (and line up a lawyer, get the financials figured out, custody, etc...), otherwise, you have to learn to live with the situation and make a great life for yourself and the kids in spite of what he's doing.

Thanks for the advice.

He told me on Friday that he has broken up with OW but now he is really depressed that she refuses to manage his band and is demanding her money back. The I can see that he is not over the 'connection' with her, even if it is just about the money and music, rather than the relationship which I believe he really doesn't want. She turned up to his gig on Sat night, so I am guessing that she doesn't think it is really over anyway.

But as he is depressed, he is now angry towards me, telling me he really doesn't see how things can work with us and the last thing he wants to do is to come back and have it fail again.

I said the same things I always say which is that if we both want to make it work differently then we can etc, but all he can do is talk about how he will go mad if he can't do his music, and giving OW up means he will fail in his music (she appears to have brainwashed him on this line of thinking).

he did tell me he wished he could turn the clock back such that he had never got involved with her, which at least is something. I pointed out that it would be nice to turn back time but as he can't, why not build the future that he wants.

But we are at a deadlock - he says he wants to come back to the family but can't work out whether he has the motivation to put into a relationship with me i.e. currently his only motivation to come back is the kids. I guess in a way it is good that he is not coming back in a half-hearted spirit, but it hurts like hell to hear him say he doesn't think he can do it for me.

I suspect that he is waiting for OW to rush back and offer to manage his business, theoretically without the love stuff, but in reality this will be what she is aiming to get back into. So I think we are probably still at square one after all this.

I did see a lawyer a while back and was geared up to send him papers for financial separation but I couldn't bring myself to because I knew that there would be no turning back.

So I think you are right that I need to try to just get on with my own life ... but it is so hard - today he picked up the kids and brought them home, but when I came home he was asleep in my bed - he crosses all my boundaries. Then he left with barely a word to me, even though yesterday he said we would talk some more today.

How did he meet this woman who manages him? Could he go out and find another manager the same way? Is he contractually bound to repay her the money?

As for working on the M - he probably needs to let the dust settle before he recommits to you. Time and time again on the boards you see that whilst the S is still involved and first breaks up with the OP they are not ready to work back on the M. Please give him some time and space and look after yourself. If he is meant to be with you he will see all your changes and gradually come back. I felt my H stayed with me for the children intially. I was very upfront about the fact that that was not good enough for me and he had to want me as much, if not more so. It has worked out that way in the end but perhaps it was the child connection that was the spark that set the M alight again.

In many ways, your H sounds like mine. When he ended it with the OW/ she ended it with him, he was still VERY attached. He is still attached to her. He said many of the same things that your H said. That he wishes he could turn back time and have never met her, that he is just going to fail at our marriage if he tries again, etc. Since we don't have any children, he said the only reason he came back is to have a roof over his head.

However, I am slowly seeing changes in my H's thinking and actions. He is starting to talk about our future together and things. So just take it slowly. If you are anything like me, you want this junk to just be over with so that you can move on. Sadly, you can't move quickly at all. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. In the meantime, do things you enjoy and focus on yourself more and him less.

Sara

Hi Saffie and Sara
Thank goodness for you two, it is so good to have someone who understands what all this is like.

He met OW through my sisters husband - she is his ex wife! She never managed a band in her life. The music management and love affair commenced simultaneously and she remortgaged her house to fund his music. They are not making any profit, just building up debt. So finding another manager is really not on the cards because his music does not generate enough income to be of interest to a manager who has only commercial interests at stake. All the musicians we know are managed by their partners! I think you can only get a 'real' manager when you generate enough income to make it worth their while and this is very rare for most musicians, no matter how talented.

I've offered H that I can help him - I can't of course take on full management as I work full time already, but I can certainly provide a lot of help on the side, but it's not good enough for him. He gets 100% devotion of her time plus her money.

He is not contractually bound to pay her the money - I pointed this out to him, but for some reason he feels loyalty to her. He certainly doesn't feel any to me financially - he has not contributed any money to me or the kids since end Dec, I am paying the mortgage and everything on my own.

I know you are right - I need to let him be, focus on me and get on with things. It is just so hard. It hurts so much that he does not want to rush back to me, even when he claims to have broken up with her. I do know that the music is like a drug to him - it compels him away from the family. I am not actually sure that I can ever compete with this. I don't think that his obsession with it will change.

I am going away this weekend again (to a wedding - tough!) with the kids so that will be a good break from him.

It's great that both of you have seen such changes in your H's.

Hi Saffie and Sara
Thank goodness for you two, it is so good to have someone who understands what all this is like.

He met OW through my sisters husband - she is his ex wife! She never managed a band in her life. The music management and love affair commenced simultaneously and she remortgaged her house to fund his music. They are not making any profit, just building up debt. So finding another manager is really not on the cards because his music does not generate enough income to be of interest to a manager who has only commercial interests at stake. All the musicians we know are managed by their partners! I think you can only get a 'real' manager when you generate enough income to make it worth their while and this is very rare for most musicians, no matter how talented.

I've offered H that I can help him - I can't of course take on full management as I work full time already, but I can certainly provide a lot of help on the side, but it's not good enough for him. He gets 100% devotion of her time plus her money.

He is not contractually bound to pay her the money - I pointed this out to him, but for some reason he feels loyalty to her. He certainly doesn't feel any to me financially - he has not contributed any money to me or the kids since end Dec, I am paying the mortgage and everything on my own.

I know you are right - I need to let him be, focus on me and get on with things. It is just so hard. It hurts so much that he does not want to rush back to me, even when he claims to have broken up with her. I do know that the music is like a drug to him - it compels him away from the family. I am not actually sure that I can ever compete with this. I don't think that his obsession with it will change.

I am going away this weekend again (to a wedding - tough!) with the kids so that will be a good break from him.

It's great that both of you have seen such changes in your H's.

had a good day today - H came to my work to see if I could have lunch. We just had a nice casual chat. I don't know if it means anything but it was a nice surprise anyway.
How are you two?

I'm fine Dayana,

It is so lovely to read about the positive steps in your R. Keep up all that good work!!!!!! You sound like you are on a roll girl!!!!!

Yes things do sound positive. Keep it up...you are doing great!

I am hanging in there. I just feel so sad inside the past few days. I keep looking for small positive things and haven't seen any lately.

Sara