Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Poll on Honesty

Hill..............I love it, now that's the thruth!!!

Hi Shoe!

OK, I'm going to respond without reading anyone else's replies. That way I am unclouded. So it might be a repeat.

In a Relationship with a new person I believe you need to know significant sexual history - especially as it affects you - ie any problems, any diseases, some idea of numbers. Despite the fact it is a difficult thing to talk about initially - it has to be done. Next you slowly reveal other things like your other involvements - family, co-workers, your commitments, anything significant financially - like if you've had a bankruptcy or such, pertinent health info and emotional, psychological issues. You don't spill it all out at once but it is not ok to keep these things in a closet either. Some things need to come out naturally without waiting TOO long.

With your kids - it depends on their ages and if there is a good chance something not so great might be found out. For example - my husband had an affair. My 19 year old son knew of it right off the bat - even found his dad with the whore. I did not share this info with my 12 year old daughter. When it became evident that she was about to find out - I told her then. When my son was 12, his dad did something bad that made the newspaper. I knew he would hear about it at school - so I told him myself so he could cope better. But it is not so likely my daughter will ever find that out. To this day, I have not told her.

I think that trust is earned. When my ex tried to return after our split he said "You will never trust me again" to which I replied "Trust is earned - you have to be trustworthy in order to be trusted". To this day - he hasn't got it. He still likes to "lie" to me. I think it is part of his little fantasty to feel he is getting away with something. I wonder how he trusts his wife who lied to her family in order to do as she pleased. Wonder what the trust between them is like.

I think the hardest thing for me is trusting male/female friendships. Although many platonic Rs exist, I find that it often involves one who wants more. And although, I do believe men and women can be friends, one must do periodic spot checks on how intimate the friendship is. For example - Josh (my BF) has one woman friend he used to work with. He gets together with her about once a year - usually for dinner. The reason it bothers me a teeny bit is because I've never met her. However, with me living 1.5 hours away - it just has never happened. Can't say I'm that concerned as she is married, but a bit concerned because they live apart. The thing is - I'm not so sure I trust HER, but I do trust him. With all my heart. And that's what counts. I'm sure if I met her I would see that my lack of trust is unfounded. But we are formed by our past experiences and most of us got the "She's just a friend" line.

I'm sure there is lots more I could say but that's a start.

Barb

Hi SP:

Interesting question...

There was a time I viewed the world through a very black/white lens.

Nowadays, it really isn't that easy... My world is shades of grey and there is no such thing as the absolute truth and an absolute lie in my world anymore.

And I think there is an alement of judgement involved in when to completely honest, i.e. NHill's example.

Or for example, do we really want to know everytime your SO so much as glances at another member of the opposite sex and/or thinks he/she is attractive - even it is just a passing thought. Some things are better left unsaid.

I suppose there has to be compatibility in what constitutes "honesty," how much "honesty," in what areas of life, etc. for there to be a compatible R between two individuals.

take care,
AG

I have always been an honest person and have always expected it from others who are dealing with me.
It caused me much heartache that my x lied to me even after the D he continued to do so. He knew / knows how much I value it. His reasoning was he didn't want to hurt me !! well I fond out anyway and still find things out-life has a habit of putting truth in your face even if your not looking and one lie leads to another and so on.
He always said I was the most honest person he ever met-told friends the same-obviously he didn't value it as much as I do.
So I got left for some low life who couldn't speak the truth if her life depended on it.
So yes honesty is my No 1 priority.

I'm struggling a little with the concept of "honesty", even though it should be easy.

There is honesty in which you don't even need to be asked a question before you are "honest" (ie "whew! Your breath stinks!" or "I wouldn't wear those pants, they make your ass look big" or "I don't feel good about our relationship right now")

There is honesty where you answer questions posed to you in an honest manner, but don't volunteer what's on your mind if you don't feel it's important.

I guess I'm more for the latter form of honesty. I actually don't want the kind of honesty where every time my spouse's emotions wax and wane that are hear about it. I really don't even want to hear that she doesn't like my shirt. Honesty, like most anything else, can be taken to extremes as fig pointed out with her husband's brand of "honesty". I can't imagine, though, that anyone would say, "I want my spouse to lie to me all the time about everything."

That I can agree with.

And the above mentioned being honest with yourself first. Sometimes the hardest type of honesty is the kind we have with ourselves but ultimately the kind we need the most.

Thanks to everyone for responding. The reason I brought this up is because a group at work was discussing it and people had different views... I just thought it would be interesting to throw it out to the DB’rs .
Nad my comment about lurking did not really pertain to me, I just find it sad sometimes when someone post for advice, and maybe has 2 responses and over 80 views I just feel bad for that person. thats all.

Hi shoe,

thanks for this thought provoking thread.

This isn't original but it works for me. If I am having a feeling, or a worry, or a thought about a person or a relationship that is causing my body to bug me (headache, tense stomache, clenched teeth, etc.), then I need to be sharing that with the person.

Also, one of my favorites from 12 step programs, about whether or not to volunteer something: ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, and is it true.

Thanks again.

Hugs,
AH

I have a question.

What is everyone's response now to the knowledge that someone is being dishonest with you? Do you call them out on it? Ignore it? Ignore and drop them from your life? Try to forgive and forget?
Anything else?

I try to call them out on it...

but sometimes I just stuff it in

I would like to say I call them on it all the time... all balls to the wall and all but...

in all honesty

sometimes I stuff it and just don't trust them again.

What about when you know someone is lying about someone else? Do you call them on being a liar pants????

or

do you hedge around like by saying stuff like that doesn't really sound like them or what-have-you?

What about "friends" who believe far fetched stories about you...I mean shouldn't there be some sort of trust in a friendship where you can call them on not believing what they know to be true about you???