Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Reclaiming myself and my life 4

You also are not completely helpless.

Yeah, believe me sg, I'm taking it all in, too...

KS,

I'm not sure what your point is. I could say that my W was like you, minus the 'tearing her down' part which I NEVER did. Ever. I was always her cheerleader except when I was in my issues. At that time I was just withdrawn.

I didn't 'pay enough attention' to her. Is that your point?

I'm confused.

I'm still processing this.

I am interpreting it as:

1) I didn't 'crash' our life / financials by myself.
2) I carried the whole burden for my own emotional situation / anxiety / self esteem but she IS responsible for half of this, just like I am responsible for half.
3) I don't bear the burden for her current feelings / actions - she does. So, I can't do anything to 'fix it' because it's not my burden. Only she can 'fix' it. I can do nothing.
4) I'm powerless over her actions and feelings. I only have power over my own.
5) Finally, as you said, she is living a lie. Until she sees that is the case, she won't be healed or have any growth.

All that I can control is myself. I keep saying 'when she say this ... I feel bad / unhappy'. Well, that's my choice, to feel bad. I'm choosing not to any longer.

Oh, SNAP!

I think you're getting it!

Yesterday an old friend / colleague from NY called me because he was in L.A. with his family on their way to New Zealand. I had know he was going to be here so it wasn't a surprise.

We arranged to get together and I took my daughters with me, W stayed home and I didn't invite her. She was in a crappy mood anyway.

It was nice to talk about some of the old stuff, and he gave me some info on various other people I used to know.

But, there is one story he told me that stuck in my head.

I used to know a couple, Kurt and Brenda. He told me that Brenda died sometime in the past year. Now, she was a petite woman and was a Human Resources director and a big company. She was the 'strong' person in the marriage. Kurt was the quiet one, very grounded and a good man.

Apparently some years ago the company downsized and she had to arrange the termination of several executives, many of whom were her friends. As he told the story to me, she was devastated emotionally by all this and got into a depression and food was her 'medicine'. She put on a lot of weight and I guess eventually she wouldn't even leave the house. She died of a heart attack.

Kurt stayed with her through all this, tried to help and never abandoned her. Never thought he would find 'happiness' somewhere else or with someone else.

This was another 'reality check' for me. Another story of how a marriage is supposed to work, how couples stay together during the bad times, and how they support each other.

So, some day I'm going to make someone a good husband, a good partner. I'm getting a better perspective on marriage. It isn't based on me 'taking care of things, of her'. It's much different that I imagined and I'm entitled to that kind of relationship because, no matter what, I am a good and decent man. Even my W knows that is true.

And so do a lot of other people.

So yes, I'm not helpless. I'm able to do pretty much anything I choose to do. I just need to choose it.

I don't know about your marriage. I'm just saying it's hard to see it from any POV other than YOUR fault....and it wasn't all you. You wouldn't be where you are if it were.

What do you mean by this statement?

Dude, I think she's just trying to tell you that all the things you are feeling are normal and if I may add...the thing that really takes strength and fortitude is the effort we all make in order to broaden our visions and get outside ourselves. Something the other parties in our relationships aren't doing.

Ya feel me?

I do!