Well tomorrow will be one week since I laid out my boundaries and H decided that if the rule was no conact with ow he could not do that. So he was leaving. He has not left yet and everyday acts more and more "normal" as if he has no intention of going anywhere. On thursday last week I went and visited OW at her work, he was irate and said any chance at us staying together was ruined by that and now has not mentioned it since. He brought home a movie to watch saturday and then proceeded to go to a hockey game at 1:45 in the afternoon yesterday and not make it home until midnight all the while texting to let me know he'd be home in 20 "i promise" until about 10:30 when the communication stopped. Lawyer called on Saturday and husband acted shocked even thought it was our decision to have him call. Ever since he called he has joked about me paying him spousal support like none of this is real. I told my sister in law last week when I thought that everything was going to be out in the open I think she thinks she has hit the jackpot with gossip and went home and told her 15 year old daughter and her H(no suprises there) and then went to the store and peeked through the window at the girl and calls me everyday asking who knows this and did you tell this person. I finally said listen please do not tell anyone else and her reply was I won't as I know you would like to tell your family first - I said no because it is no one's business!!!
I have noticed a bunch of disney pics up I wasn't sure before if pics could be posted with other people in them, but in case anyone wants to put a face to a name here are D and I at Disney last month.
How are you, Neecy? I hope better. Sorry I couldn't respond any sooner. As you probably know, I was away this weekend and my H is here (not at this very moment though), so I haven't been able to get online, until now.
Originally Posted By: neecy22
I can do that, I think. But isn't this now going back on the boundaries that I set out?
By having no R talks? I don't believe so. Unless during your R talk last week, you told H that he had to pack up and leave. Is that what happened? Or did H say on his own that he was leaving?
If you didn't tell him to go, then NO R talks. Period. Avoid them when/if at all possible. Detach, detach, DETACH. Do not focus on the A. Do not focus on H. Focus on YOU, YOUR GOALS, and GAL. Boost your PMA. Think POSITIVE thoughts!
If you did tell H to leave because he refused to give up OW, well......Sweetie, I cannot tell you what to do here. That is your decision, and yours alone. You will have to think long and very hard about what you want to do.
Can you look past H, OW, the A, and tolerate it for the time being? Can you wait it out, let the A die on its own, while you focus on yourself and your lovely little girl?
Or can you not?
If you can't, then you've gotta do what you gotta do. You've got to decide and do what is best for YOU.
Do you want a D or do you want to save your M?
(((((((Neecy)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
You and your D are so cute. Is that at the Bippity Boppity place in the Disney Store??? She is precious.
Neecy, you are in my thoughts, girl. I am right there with you, a really hard, sad, lonely spot. I try to leave the grief/stress at the door, and just enjoy my kids when I am home. Take care.
I think he's testing you. He's seen resolve from you before, only to have you back off and give him what he needs. I don't think he can make a decision, and I think he wants YOU to make it FOR him.
Don't do it.
Maintain your boundaries, and your loving distance. I think this man is waiting for some consistency from you, and I think this is VERY "winnable." But you're going to have to be strong.
When was the last time you went out, and didn't tell him where you were going to be? You need to add some intrigue, mystery and distance to your situation, in my opinion. The texts from him are him wanting to know that you're "there" . . . well, maybe you shouldn't be.
Neecy, What LWB said and GF, too ... You've laid out your boundaries. Your H has balked at them, but yet he seems like he doesn't want to quite throw in the towel. Only you can decide if you can live with the cake-eating or not. Some people can't.
I pretty much did what GF said "I looked past H, OW, the A, and tolerated it." It was d@amed hard. But it kept H here at home. In the meantime, I DBed my butt off. In the end, OW got tired of waiting for him to make a decision, turned into a b!tch, and that was the end of the A.
The pics are cute! Somewhere in this forum is a thread devoted to pics of many of us ... we'll have to dig that out.
Looking back over your posts, I'm not seeing where you have EVER been able to truly detach, and let him stew in his own mess for even a few days at a time, much less the weeks or few months that it may take. (It took THREE MONTHS with my wife).
I could be wrong, but I honestly think that if you could do that, and maintain your boundaries, that he may come around. It's always "may," because you can't control him, but unless I missed it in your past threads, I'm not seeing where you've ever truly done that?
You and your D are so cute. Is that at the Bippity Boppity place in the Disney Store??? She is precious.
Yes this is the Bibbity Boppidi Boutique inside Cinderella's castle, I guess there is one in Downtown Disney too. It was the highlight of the trip, they really make a big deal of the girls and in Disney pricing i thought it was a really good deal.
Thanks lwb for all your support I have been reading your sitch too and I wish I had your strength when it comes to controlling my emotions and conversations.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
By having no R talks? I don't believe so. Unless during your R talk last week, you told H that he had to pack up and leave. Is that what happened? Or did H say on his own that he was leaving?
I didn't tell him to leave but I did say something along the line after he said he would stop not contacting her that that means you have chosen her over our M? He said that is not what it means. I said that it what it means to me. Then he decided that he would be moving out. Contacted OW that night to tell her that I was leaving him and that it had nothing to do with her.
Quote:
Can you look past H, OW, the A, and tolerate it for the time being? Can you wait it out, let the A die on its own, while you focus on yourself and your lovely little girl?
I don't know what I can do, I really suck at this. Everytime I ignore it things seems that things are going so good that when I realize something (like phone calls, or interent contact) it is like a punch in the stomach and I go off like it is a new betrayal each time.
Quote:
Do you want a D or do you want to save your M?
I want to save my marriage! BUT, I don't want to spend everyday for the rest of my life crying. I had to tell my boss yesterday that I would prefer not to go on the business trip in 3 weeks to Ottawa(our country's capital) because I did not think I could handle it mentally or emotionally and I did not know if H would be home or not so I didn;t want in the midst of everything to leave my daughter for 6 days.
Last edited by neecy22; 03/11/0812:00 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy, Looking back over your posts, I'm not seeing where you have EVER been able to truly detach, and let him stew in his own mess for even a few days at a time, much less the weeks or few months that it may take. (It took THREE MONTHS with my wife).
I could be wrong, but I honestly think that if you could do that, and maintain your boundaries, that he may come around. It's always "may," because you can't control him, but unless I missed it in your past threads, I'm not seeing where you've ever truly done that?
Puppy
No, I have not. I don't seem to know how to properly set or maintain these boundaries. It must seem like all of you are talking to a brick wall with me, but when I say my boundary is not contacting her anymore and he says that won't happen, what should be a realistic consequence to this?
I did look at the list of boundaries you had laid out for your wife and H never has contacted OW in my presence. It would be if I left the house or when he is driving to and from work or "going to the store". I still (maybe stupidly) believe that they do not actually see one another since she has transferred stores.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
If it were me, the consequence for my wife not ending all contact with her boyfriend was for me to withhold ALL emotional support from her. I was civil -- even cordial -- and I treated her with basic kindness. But I was NOT her "best friend" while she was carrying on with him, and I let her know that. When she came back to me, she told me that this was what she missed the most. We didn't date, we didn't have nice long conversations, we didn't bring each other drinks, etc., so long as she was carrying on with him.
So really, two separate issues. BOUNDARIES were things like "do not text OM in my presence, or in the presence of the kids." But my PERSONAL INTEGRITY was that I was not going to meet ANY of her marital needs while she was having an affair.
That may not be classic DBing, but it worked for me. I felt that if she was getting 1/2 her needs met by OM, and the other 1/2 by me, that she would continue to cake-eat, and I found that emasculating and just couldn't do it for very long. I set a time limit in my own mind (90 days), and told her only "my patience is not limitless, and I'm losing what's left of my love for you daily," and then let the ball lie in her court. In the meantime, I looked good/smelled good, and was the best dad and best Puppy I could be.
