Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again How do I begin...#2

So, tonight turned out not to be so good. I guess I forgot that R talks are bad. Actually the R talk was started by H...and I guess continued by me. I don't think he really meant to start it, that is just where the conversation went.

I brought up OW again. I asked again if it ever got physical, he said no. Then I asked him if he wanted it to...he said yes. I guess at least he was honest. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess I always knew that but he has always said no. He told me it was just nice to have attention from someone. H has very low self esteem. When he went to Iraq he lost some weight and got very muscular. He has always been very self concious about his teeth...so when he got back and we had some extra money I suggested that he get his teeth fixed. He did, and from what he says people started noticing him. He said OW just gave him attention and it felt good. I asked if I didn't give him attention and make him feel good. I have always thought my H was very hot and have let him know that very often. He said that yes I did pay attention to him but I HAD to. OW didn't HAVE to, that it just felt good that someone was attracted to him purley based on looks, which he said he had never had. IMO, my H is WAY out of OW's league and was probably surprised he would even give her the time of day. Anyway, I guess my point is that I couldn't win here. No matter what I did, H would have still maitained that I was just trying to make him feel good or saying things because I had to.

He talks about our M like it was no big deal to him. He says he just did it because it seemed like the logical next step. That is not true. He still says he isn't sure what he wants.

I feel like I am right back to that day he left me. I want to be done. I am seriously considering filing. I deserve way better than this. I really feel like I hate him right now. I hate him for causing all this pain just because some whore showed him attention...doesn't he have any self control or morals?? He is not the man I married and not the kind of person I want to be with.

I know there are people on here that have waited years for their spouses...but maybe I am just not that strong. I want a husband that loves me, I want a family, I want kids. I feel like I need to move on to have any chance of that. I wish I would have just let him go. I wish I wouldn't have let him back in my life. I was starting to feel happy again and now I am back at square one. I guess I am going to cry myself to sleep tonight...which I haven't done since probably August. Why did he say all those things about working it out???? Did he not hurt me enough the first time?

I'm so sorry to hear about your evening. That's a pretty crappy conversation.

(((klm)))

I know it doesn't make it hurt any less, but this stuff is coming from someone who is struggling with depression and low self-esteem. He probably wouldn't jump up and down with joy for anything right now, so he probably isn't going to have loads of good things to gush over in your M either.

I hope today goes better for you.

Well, I guess I feel a little better today, although I didn't get much sleep last night. I tried not to lash out at H because I didn't want him to feel that he can't be honest about things with me. I just wish that he had been honest about OW in counseling...there is no point in going if you are going to lie about your feelings.

I do have another question for him though. If he wanted things to get physical then why didn't they. The texts I saw seemed like she was definitely willing, and it isn't like they didn't have opportunity. It just doesn't make sense that it never got physical. I mean they were living together for almost 6 months. It doesn't add up but I can't understand why he would lie about it at this point other than he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has. I guess it doesn't really matter if it ever got physical or not.

Last night was really not supposed to be that way. I know that he didn't intend on getting into that and I didn't either. He cried, I cried, it was just bad all around. He did tell me that I was his best friend ever and he never wanted that to change. He told me that the reason he doesn't call me much or ask me to do things much is becuase he doesn't want me to think he is using me. He doesn't want me to think he is just trying to get on my good side in case he needs something.

He told me that I was the best person he has ever known and no one has ever been so accepting of him as me. He said I can't believe I am doing this to the best person in my life...and he said he just realized that as he was saying it.

He told me that he doesn't know what it means to be "in love" or even to "love" someone. He is just really messed up right now. I suggested counseling for him only and he said no, he said talking about it didn't help. Our previous counselor suggested to me that he could be bipolar but she didn't see him long enough to make that diagnosis. She suggested that he see a psychiatrist so that they could diagnose as well as prescribe medcation to him. I haven't brought this up to him because I am not sure how he will take it.

I suppose it doesn't matter, but perhaps she was never willing because of her professed/real sexual orientation. And perhaps, that made it even better for him because if a lesbian thought he was so hot...what a compliment that was.

That's a lot of good things he said about you. It sounds like he still has a lot to deal with. You definitely used the time apart better than he did. I wonder if there is some way/time you could bring up an evaluation with him that he'd be more receptive to. It's worth a little brainstorming I think.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today. Do you have the day off from work so you can relax?

Unfortunately no, I am at work. But, it is pretty quiet around here. I guess a lot of peopel took vacation today. H started his job today and I sent him a text wishing him good luck. He sent me one back and said thanks, and that he looks like a dork since he shaved. He had been growing a beard since he got out of the AF and I actually REALLY liked it...but he got nervous that he couldn't have the beard at work so he shaved.

Yes, he has never really said anything bad about me. Even through all of this he never blamed anything on me or said anything bad. He does have a lot to deal with and I am not sure how he is going to do that.

I don't think he would get defensive if I told him what the counselor said. I just worry that he would think great, that is just one more thing wrong with me and get down on himself rather than going to a counselor to see if it is a possibility. She told me that medication can do wonders for people who are bipolar. She said instead of taking AD's, they take mood stabalizers. I have done some research on bipolar disorder and I also think it is a possibility.

Sorry you have to work today. I have the day off from school and work, but have a paper I'm working on. So it's a mixed bag.

Lol. My H was growing sideburns for a while, never thought I'd like them but they weren't huge mutton chops or anything and they looked really good on him. Of course, he had to shave them every month for drill. He hasn't done that in a while so far as I know.

I wish my H would even consider ADs. I also wonder if my H is bipolar because he seemed to think I was having all these mood swings and told me on 3 occasions that I was bipolar (which my friends, family, and counselor all laughed at when I told them). So I wonder how much he was projecting.

Getting on the right meds could make a HUGE difference for your H. Even a different AD might make a big difference if he's not bipolar. Since you think he would be receptive but wouldn't act, do you think there is a way you could push him to act without suggesting that you think he is bipolar or needs "help"? Maybe as saying he might try another AD?

I have just made a decision after reading some articles and some other people's posts. I am going to let OW go. The past few days I feel he has been extremely honest with me and has shown the remorse I was looking for. I guess there is no sense in dwelling on it. Whatever they did or didn't do and how much I do about it doesn't really make any difference now. If he was still hung up on her he wouldn't have left.

Something else interesting when I was at his apt. this weekend. He looked at his phone and he said "oh, I have a missed call." Now if there was any chance it would have been OW he wouldn't have said that (turns out it was my mom). He would have just looked and not said anything. Maybe she isn't calling anymore...or maybe I am just reading too much into it.

My H has never denied being in a depression. He says he thinks he feels different than 'normal' people. We talked about his AD's last night and he says they do nothng for him. He said he has tried at least four different kinds and he doesn't think changing will do anything. IMO, especially after going to the Dr. for them myself...they aren't giving him the right kind or a high enough dosage. I also don't think he has taken any one for a long enough period. The only Dr. he has been to about it are the AF doctors. I may suggest that he go to a 'civilian' dr. I just feel like the AF gives out the same prescription to everyone without really listening to what is wrong with them. Also, they would MAKE him go to counseling to continue the prescription which he never wanted to do. Maybe I could approach it that. I could give him the name of my Dr. (who is WONDERFUL) and he could try that.

Hmm, I can only see one problem with that. If he knows the guy is your Dr., he might feel weird about going? On the other hand, I think getting him to talk to a Dr. about it is the only way to figure out if they need to change his meds or dosage. And that could make a huge difference for him.

I think your decision about OW will be a good one. And not just for the possibilities of working on your R, but for YOU. This has obviously been bugging you, so I think it's a good idea to work on your own emotional health.

Yes, I really need to let it go.

Well, maybe I should just suggest that he go to a civilian Dr. rather than MY Dr. He will be running out of his ADs soon so he will need to go anyway if he wants to continue taking them.

That might be a good place to start. If he asks for a recommendation you can suggest your doc I suppose.

Hope the rest of your day went well. :-)