Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Not sure how to handle this

Well all, I'm new to this piecing and I'm not sure how to even start. I want to have a serious talk with H about his expectations for our M, where he wants to see it go, and what he feels he's going to need from me but I'm scared to do that. I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him into something but he's the one who asked me to please take him back. He gave me all the reassurances I needed to hear without me prompting him so I really believe he means it this time.

Why am I so scared to talk to him about our relationship? He's only been home 2 days but I feel we need to approach this before we settle into an old pattern.

What do you experienced piecers think?

Mishka,

Congrats that you are here!
More then ever you will now need to learn patience...don't jump right into the relationship talks, just allow each other to settle in alittle bit.
You don't want to frighten him off, just continue with your DB, acting as if.
If you see that he is making efforts, and you feel that he is truly with you, then for now thats good!
Have you thought about the retrouvaille program? My H and I did it, and it works wonders for communication, you learn how to talk to each other without all the negative stuff! There are a few of us who have taken this. Somthing to think about and possibly mention to your h.
Just try and relax for now, and enjoy that fact that H is home, and wanting to be there!

I've never heard of the retrouvaille program. What is that?

Mishka,

I am hardly an expert on piecing and am not even sure how long I will be here since H occassionally talks about how he is looking for his own apartment. But I will share with you what I have figured out so far. My H "moved out" on 1/2/08 and stayed with the OW for 4 weeks (he was coming home to shower and eat lunch during the day). He came back on 2/1/08 and has been at home ever since.

I learned that things happen really slowly in piecing. H may not be over the OW and you can't expect him to just totally end all feelings for her quickly. You live as roommates and at times feel like you are walking on eggshells because talking about the R and M are out of the question. Really in a lot of ways you have to keep on with the DB stuff. You have to GAL and have a PMA, but it can be hard because he is there with you and you don't get a break from it like you did when he was away.

Take things one day at a time. Understand that you are going to backslide and have difficult days and moments. But if it ends up saving your marriage, then it was worth it in the end.

Sara

Mishka,

http://www.retrouvaille.org

My H and I did this Back in September...its a weekend retreat of sorts, its sponsored by the Catholic Church, but is not religious in how its done, there is a preist there for the weekend too, but he is there for support. No reglion is forced upon you at all!

There are 3 presenting couples who have gone through marriage crisis's and come through it, and they present what they went through very honestly and openly.
But the purpose of the weekend is to teach couples to communicate effectively, and this is done by doing something called dialoguing. It is not a weekend of dragging up the past, but learning to work on the future, and everything is done with just the 2 of you, there is no sharing as a group.
You sit through a session, at the end of which you are given a question to dialogue about, at which time one of the couples goes to the hotel room, and the others stays were they are to write, then they come up and you read and then talk about what you have read.
I am not doing it justice, but one thing is on the Friday night when you arrive, you can tell that couples are in crisis, but by the Sunday, people are holding hands, have arms around each other.
It is a wonderful program.
After this, there are usually 6 one day(less then a full day) sessions, which are also very important.
There are a few people on here that have done it, you will have to hunt around, but there are some threads on it, Sara is a good person to speak to about it too.

So it's kind of like Marriage Encounter then, right?

He has said that we need help and that this is going to take a lot of hard work so I'm hopeful that we will find the kind of help he will be comfortable with.

My church has a program called Marriage Mentors that pairs a couple who is struggling with a strong couple who have been trained to help guide people through their differences based on the principles in the bible of marriage and respect. I would be very comfortable with that but I'm not sure he would. He might like a more traditional kind of therapy. I know him too well though, I'm afraid that he would shut down completely in traditional marriage counseling.

I'm just taking deep breaths and hoping we can find our way through this without slipping back into the old patterns that got us where we are.

Did any of you have a really hard time with your WAS touching you after they came home? The first day he was home he couldn't stop hugging me and now he doesn't seem to want to unless I initiate it then he's perfectly comfortable. That is a pattern with us. He stopped initiating a few years ago as he spiraled into his MLC. I just didn't realize that was what it was until he dropped that bomb!

My H won't touch me at all (except for that one kiss on Friday night). But I will let you know if we cross that bridge...

Sara

Hi Mishka,

Men are funny about talking about their very private lives to others that know them.....such as the people in the church. Mine won't even go to C where they would not know him at all! I believe "pride" has a lot to do with it where the men are concerned. My H can't even open up to me, so I doubt he could to others (but that is my H and doesn't mean your wouldn't).

It may "appear" that I am getting settled back into the old habits of what our M use to be, but after coming through this past year, that would look pretty good in comparison. However, I don't plan to get too "settled"....lol.

I used to try to force my H into R talks b/c he never brought anything like that to the surface for us to actually have a real life conversation! God forbid! But, in time, I learned that he simply did not know how to talk about intimate or emotional needs.

In my case, it is I who has taken the "time" to come around to the talking, etc., b/c there was a "spiritual" work that needed to be done on the inside of Sandi, first. I had to come through some things before I could be ready for the talking. We tried at first, but I think I was causing him more hurt, b/c I wasn't ready to put the effort into the M that he wanted to see at that time.

It has been a long drawn out thing, but I feel at last that the timing is right. I believe that is what you have to go for. When you feel the spirit between you is right and you can just tell that he is ready and you are ready.

I have learned in my long years of M something that I did not ever think I would hear myself say. B/c I thought everything had to be settled through "talking".....but you know, I have about changed my mind. I can see it with younger couples....yes, that is very important b/c you are still getting to know each other! However, when you have known a person since you were 16 and have been M to him for 42 years.....you get to know him pretty well. Sometimes a look or just a touch can tell you a lot of things.

Be patient, sweetie. It is so hard to understand what MLC'ers go through. But, he's home now and that is the important thing. If he doesn't want to jump into a C program or go to a retreat.... which I hope he will, but if he doesn't want to.....then don't push. Give it time.

Best wishes,
Sandi

Dear Starshyne......I love your name!

I think you have summed up what I wished I could have told someone else earlier about piecing. You gave very wise words, sweetie.

Sandi

Thank you Sandi. I don't know how to approach the C issue with him. He really is a private person and doesn't like to talk about himself much but he brought up C when he said he wanted to come home. I actually suggested the program through church because he doesn't know anyone there. He doesn't attend except holidays and the odd Sunday here and there. I'm the one who is involved in our church but I have an amazing support there in my women's bible study.

I'm just really scared that I'm going to do or say something that will send him running like a scared rabbit again. I hate this terrified feeling.

I am letting him come to me though, not pursuing him. Tonight he is working overnight and I have been tempted to call him at least a half dozen times but I didn't. About 20 minutes ago he called me and asked me why I hadn't called him. I told him I had been busy and just sat down to read. He was so funny! Sounded put out that I hadn't called. He's been texting me for the last 10 minutes - just funny stuff

I'll continue praying for peace and know that God will get me through this.