Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Not sure how to handle this

I think I can understand how you must feel. It is awful walking around on egg shells afraid he will run off. If or when he brings up C again, I would just say, "Honey (or whatever you call him), are you ready--- and do you want me to make an appointment with somebody, or do you have a preference?" And then wait for him to answer. If he is the kind of man that doesn't have a particular reply, but shrugs or nodds or whatever....then I think if it were me....I would make an appointment with whoever you want to use. Him bringing up the subject of C is the hint that he is reaching out for help for the M, he just doesn't exactly know what or how it do it.

About the phone calling. I haven't read your stitch, but it sounds like he needs some reassurance that you are very happy he is home with you and that he is "wanted" and you are interested in how he is making it through the night, etc. So, a call to say hello and see how he's making it, etc. should be okay, since he said what he did. Then see if he is sending you a lot of calls or TM's. Not knowing what kind of work he does.....maybe he is lonely or bored. Don't over-kill, but let him know he is wanted.

I'll read your stitch so I have a better insight of what the background is. If you are the type of person (and I don't know) to take charge,etc., maybe you just need to kind of toss the ball back in his court of some things. Like I suggested about the C. He throws the ball to you with a hint/question/suggestion.....then you give a soft reply and toss the ball back to him......that way, he is allowed to be the man and in his own way tell you what he wants to do. But, you know him and you can tell if he is wanting you to go on and do what needs to be done.....so, when he throws the ball back to you.....make an appointment with the C.

Hope you have a good day.


Sandi

Mishka,

I think that the Retrouvaille would be a good place for you to start, its not counselling, and you don't share with anyone but each other.
You both do all the work, no one stills between you telling you what to do.
It is truly a wonderful experiance, and it really does teach you how to communicate, and you also learn conflict management. You learn how to have conflict without it getting out of hand, by approaching it in a calm and productive way.
My H and I have never talked like we are now, and my H would never talk about his feelings, and now is very comfortable doing it.
Talked to you H about, present it to him not in a C way but in a way to make you marriage better, to get some good tools that will stay with you and you will use for ever.

Thanks Sandi2 - I have been trying to take queues from him just like you suggested. It's really hard since he is not forthcoming with anything and really never has been. H is a police officer so his job is obviously extremely high stress. He loves it but it wears him down and he shuts his emotions off because of it but then he can't turn them back on at home. It's a major problem for us.

Limbo - I will definitely bring it up to him. It does sound like a program that would be non-threatening to him. If he doesn't have to share with anyone else then possibly he would be comfortable with the idea. Again, I will look into it further and see if I can find one near us.

I appreciate your input so much! Thank you!

Mishka,
Retro might be a great way for you H to get back in touch with those emotions. The method that they give you for communication focuses on describing feelings in a non-threatening way.

WOW! That's really great! Thanks.

H is having a HORRIBLE day. He had asked me if I had added his car back on to the insurance. I told him I hadn't yet because I needed the VIN number and his license number. He didn't text me back with them. I called him and asked if he wanted me to change the insurance and he stalled. I knew right then he was having second thoughts about everything....again!!! I'm going to kick my own butt for believing him when he said he loved me and missed me. I swear, I'm such a fool!

I calmly asked him if he wanted to wait to change the insurance. He said his head felt like spaghetti and he really doesn't know what he's doing. He then asked me about the C offered through my church. I told him it's a couples C. He asked if they offered individual. I told him I wasnt' sure but our health insurance covers that and I had the numbers of a few that I checked into when I was looking for a C. He asked if I could give him their numbers so I did. I think it's good that he wants help for himself. He needs it badly.

I'll continue praying for him and keep my hope alive but I'm expecting him to bolt again at any moment. I'm just glad I'm in a better place than I was before to deal with it. The last time he came home he stayed for all of 5 days and pretty much ignored me the whole time and kept going to OW house. Now he hasn't ignored me but he turned pretty cold after day 2 home and it's only been 5 days again. I really can't stand this and it's going to kill our son if he walks out again.

If he does cut and run without a decent fight I will have to tell him that he can not come home again until he is completely straightened out (well, not in those exact words but the same idea).

Have any of you had to handle this situation with your WAS?

(((hugs))) to you sweetie. Since I was the almost WAS, of course, I haven't been in your shoes. Now that I know your H is a police officer, it tells me more. I think they see so many terrible things that they have to turn off the emotions and get hard in order to deal with the job. It is hard for them to be able to leave their jobs and the memories they may have seen that day after they go home to their families.

I get the idea that maybe he is wanting IC for himself first, and then have the MC together.

If he leaves again, I would feel the same as you do about it b/c you have a child to consider and all the emotional stuff it is doing to him.

Just keep taking it hour by hour and do the best you can. I remember my emotions would change that often when I was thinking about walking away from my M. I would get up in the morning and maybe think, "Ok, I'm going to stick with the M and make it work" and by that evening I had totally changed my mind. So, his emotions may still be up and down for a while. He has tried to do what he knows is right and he is wanting his emotions and everything to catch up with his volition......it just doesn't always work that way. I think the central theme for almost all the threads here is "time".....it takes a lot of time.

We are here for you. You will have times you feel you "backslide".......but who doesn't? I think you are going great. Just don't pressure. Do you think he keeps bringing up about the C b/c he knows you want it or b/c he really wants it for himself also?

Take care.

Sandi

My H wants to leave and get his own place "as soon as he can afford it." But then his actions do not seem like someone who is looking for his own place. I understand the fear that you have. My H told me that he loved me and wanted to work on our M and bolted after 2 days at home. It is very scary to think that it could all happen all over again.

I actually had a similiar conversation about having our accounts back to joint accounts. I think the finality of it scared my H and he was acting the same way yours did with the insurance. I think just leave things like they are for awhile and take a breather.

Sara

H is definitely struggling but keeps asking me for help with finding therapy. I gave him 3 numbers yesterday and gave him a card for a Lay Counselor at the church where I attend Divorce Care (H doesn't know that's what my Wednesday night class is and it drives him nuts that I don't share all of my life with him). He asked again tonight about the couples counseling at my church and wanted to know if I thought it would be ok to attend that and for him to do IC at the same time. I don't see why not but I'm no expert.

Do any of you have an opinion on having IC and MC at the same time? I know H needs IC but we definitely need MC if we're going to get any healthy communication going.

I feel really bottled up. I feel like I can't risk letting any of my emotions out anywhere within H's vicinity. Tonight he had fallen asleep (seriously asleep - like snoring so loud he was going to suck the stucco of the ceiling!) and I was listening to some music - yeah, sappy love songs that made me emotional and got me crying. I was just crying softly, nothing H should have been able to hear over his snoring but I guess I sniffed a little bit and he suddenly woke up and wanted to know why I was crying. I wanted to blurt out all the reasons I was crying - I feel almost more alone right now than I did before he came home, the few days of lots of affection followed immediately by a total lack of any has me feeling open and vulnerable all over again and feeling foolish, I have always slept with my hand on him and now I feel like even though he is laying right next to me I have to hang on to the edge of the bed for dear life to make sure I don't touch him accidentally in my sleep and freak him out since he decided I'm not worthy of any consideration whatsoever.

Gee, doesn't that sound like a pitiful list. As I'm sure you can tell by the post time on this, I'm not sleeping tonight. It's too late to take Ambien and still get up in the morning and get S13 off to school, mom to dialysis, and off to work a full day (which in my job is usually more like 9-10 hours solid without a break except to pick up mom at dialysis), home to take care of everyone except me and heavens only knows what else before I fall into bed exhausted but unable to sleep.

I guess I wanted this. Why did I want this? Do I just enjoy being tortured? Maybe that is it - glutton for punishment.

I'm going to go and try to go to sleep now. I'll be praying for each of you. Please pray for some peace for me and my H. We need it really badly right now.

mishka, I totally could have written what you wrote. My H and I share a bed and while we used to sleep close together, we now are as far apart as you can be in a Queen sized bed. I am scared that I am going to touch him and make him upset. Although last night he was sleeping close to me. I think it was by accident, but I really liked it. Anyhow....I am not sure how this part lasts, but I sure don't like it and hope it isn't very long.

I also have been asked "Why are you crying?" And I just want to scream...why the hell do you think I am crying? Nothing in my life is the way I want it to be. You are my husband and I can't touch you. But yeah...we can't do that.

I wish I had some sort of advice to give. I do know that I and MC can be done at the same time. My H and I did that a few years ago. Now my H wants nothing to do with C of any kind. I am hoping he will change his mind. I start I counseling next week.

This sure is difficult, isn't it?

This just feels almost impossible. H is acting like he's in a much better mood today so I will just role with that. He seems to be happy that I am being so accepting of him no matter what he's acting like.

I sometimes feel like I'm being very fake but then I examine the reasons I'm acting the way I am and decide that my current behavior will possible influence the future of my M and it becomes clear. I'm not fake, I'm trying to preserve what little calm I have left!

I am contacting the counselors at our church regarding the marriage mentors program today. It makes me very nervous but I think it will help a lot once we can get past the initial meetings with them. H has the numbers for the IC's. I hope he will call them but I am not going to ask if he did. That would be nagging. I am letting him tell me whatever he wants to tell me in his own time.

Starshyne, it looks like you and I are on very similar timelines as far as the newness of all of this. I am hopeful that my H has not come back too soon as I am sure you are. I know he has so many things to work through for himself and I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing him into anything so I keep my mouth shut.

Does your H talk to you about any of his emotions or where he sees your R headed now or what he wants to see happen in your M? The question I need answered is what does he feel he needs from me in order to feel that we are on the right track? He has no idea why he feels the way he does other than he doesn't feel the emotional connecting with me that we once had. He doesn't have an emotional connection to much of anything anymore though and I'm convinced that is because of the pressures of his job. He really needs to learn to deal with that before he can reconnect with me. I guess maybe I'll get my answer if he ever finds his way through those pressures.