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addie,

I know its hard, but you have to think of her "as less as" possible. Can you focus on your R with him, your interactions, your son, the time he spends in the house and consider her a minor bump in your road. Once you get caught in the OP labyrinth you get disoriented and drift away from the real problems and solutions as well as from any signs or progress you may get because everything is poisened. Sorry I instist on this but IMO it is very very important. I know it is hard, very very hard, but if it helps think of all the things that bind you with him that are special no matter if he refuses to see them presently.

BTW, I think your day was extremely positive. And I mean that, I am not saying so just to make you feel good... If you keep what you are doig for the next week or so there will be another positive coming your way. He needs to check on you, and make sure you are what you come across to him right now and you will not revert to a panicking woman (again)...

XXXXXX
Kalni

Addie, I agree with Kalni. If there is anyway to keep her out of mind then please do. Could you try the elastic band trick? You put an elastic band around your wrist and everytime you think of OW or H with OW then you snap your wrist. Sounds simple but I hear it works.

You know? I was thinking even though he's with OW he spent Saturday night with you and S and is planning to spend today with you too. That should mean a lot.

The more he spends at your home the more OW will persue your H. And WE know that doesn't work right?

I think he went after her for the thrill. Now that he's "got" her the thrill might lessen.

Jen

Thanks so much Kalni and Jen. Your words make A LOT of sense.
I'm thinking less and less about OW and I haven't snooped in a few weeks. I admit I've had the urge to snoop but have managed to stop myself - I realize I used to get extremely upset when I snooped and would eventually have backslides due to this.

I came across an interesting article online that states that people cheat due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. The affair is a way for people to correct this imbalance but becomes addictive and the A has to be treated like an addiction. It goes on to say that the unfaithful spouse has a biochemical craving for connection. I found this to be interesting because this is something my H actually said to me when our sitch started to spiral out of control,after I suspected EA. He said he was searching for a connection with someone and he didn't think we had that connection (this was him rewriting our history).

H came over for a couple of hours this afternoon. He played outside with S for a while and then spent some time inside with S, also lingered for a while. I put some music on while they were outside and that put me in a good mood while making dinner. I didn't really have to "act as if"- I was actually feeling it. H didn't stay for dinner and I didn't offer. He said he had to finish doing some work and was playing hockey. Again, he was not as distant today. He said he wanted to come by Tuesday evening to take S skating. At least he is making a big effort to reconnect with S.

This is really good! The kids are the most important part in all of our messes. When he is there with S11, let him be and enjoy what you see. Compliments are huge for Dads....throw a few out there to him....but don't overdo it.

FA, thanks for the advice.
I hadn't thought of doing that. Since our S 2 months ago, I haven't complimented H much at all. I will have to make a point of complimenting him about the time he's been spending with S11.

H asked if he could take S11 skating this evening. He emailed me last night to ask if he could also come over and have dinner with us beforehand. I emailed him back and said sure. I know this is a baby step but part of me thinks it's more for his own convenience so that he doesn't have to go back to his place after work, prepare dinner and then come over to take S skating. He'll also be working on his taxes here afterwards.

Men! He probably is thinking of himself but it does give you a chance to DB your butt off again. Maybe you can try what FA suggested last post!

Let us know how it goes.

Jen

Addie, it's definitely a baby step!

If he wasn't comfortable around you, he wouldn't have asked if he can come over for dinner. And, yes, it's a chance to DB, etc

Good baby step....good one.