Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE DIVORCE REMEDY DR Chapter 12 - Surviving His/Her Mid-life Crisis

MLC does not have to be about money... my H has a great job, lots of money and is deep in the tunnel. He said his life was boring, and he wanted to have fun (my new favorite "F" word). I also know another MLCer who is a woman who had been around the world, owned a huge ranch, lots of money and said she wanted to have fun too. So who knows what triggers it.

Hi Janey2!

I do honestly credit Michele and her principles for saving my marriage.

Wow, I sure do have to agree with you on that when comes to saving MY marriage!!

I'm pretty sure, however, that Michele would turn some of this around, and give YOU most of the credit for what YOU have done to save your marriage!

She's given you the tools, and you have used them wisely!

What words of Michele's wisdom have helped you the most, Janey? What helped to keep you going? How was the phone consultation so beneficial? What best words of advice would you have to anyone who is coming here looking for solutions?

This year life is good and we are "in love" again.

I can't begin to tell you just how happy I am for you!! You deserve this, Janey!! And so does he!

Here's my wishes for a happy life together!!!

Hi Holdingon,

I happened to scan around and found your post, my H and I have a similar situation, we are fairly comfortable with the $$$. My H 55 no children, we help raised 2 nieces G15 and G13, they are just at the age testing their wings, want to fly, want to be independent from us. My H lost his footage, and we adopted another family with G16, B14 then he got close to them, too close, I went crazy asked them to move out then UH! a big ball of fire on me, the family hated me, my H accusing me for accusing him doing good deeds to my relatives!! it's such a mess!! Then just few weeks ago I just learned that my H deeply in love with OW, wants a D, he sets it for the latest after Xmas.

Why, he wants a D when that will kill us all financially, because I do not agree the D (till death do us part). He will hire an expensive L. I have to lay down to die and my L will take over... then the $$$ will roll from one L to the other L. I just don't get it. My B used to say to me: do you know what your problem is? you two have everything so you become ...rotten!.. does it sound right?

Frustrating, hurt, pain,

I will try to search your posts more I may find something that I need to know. I am so new on this board. I need to learn a lot. I read DB, would not help, my H is so adament about moving out: the lastest after Xmas, adament file for D, adament want to make the OW's life beautiful, adament he does not love me any more, adament to get an expensive L to get his share of the properties...

I need advice if anyone of you could share some information to help me ease the pain so I will not kill myseft!
Tidalwave

Janey,
I am delighted that things are going better and that my writing and your phone consult has been helpful to you along the way. That's what I like to hear!! So, keep up the good work. YOu deserve every moment of happiness you're now experiencing.
Michele

JJ I think your description of MLC is right on the button. Age does not matter at all, that is just the average time it happens. My H is only 35 and he is definitely deep in MLC. I think the kids being born triggered it for him. Suddenly to him the future shut down. All that promise all that hope all those possibilities just seemed to him to fizzle out in a hail of nappies and sleepless nights. I had already figured out before he decided to walk away that he felt slapped in the face by reality I just didn't know it was called MLC.

My face-slap happened at 16 when my dad told me to quit school because he wouldn't be paying college fees. (In England you can quit school at 16 with qualifications). Overnight I went from Daddy's princess to out in the gutter (or so it felt). Maybe HE was MLC - who knows . Just to spite him I pulled myself up by the bootstraps went to night school and worked my way through college on my own. A diary entry from that time says - <<you are your own woman, no-one's going to take care of you but you so you better get on with it>> and I did.

It's a lesson we all have to learn sometime. I'm glad I learnt it early but I have never been close to my Dad again

Fran

I'm pretty sure my husband hit it, I just can't pinpoint when. Things have been trying for a while now, but he drifted and I drifted because he threw himself into work, which was a normal thing for him always anyhow. Looking back, I think I can see some signs. Money has not been a issue for a while now, but I saw his partnership/relationship go down the tubes. I think that's when he started questioning himself and everything/one and started withdrawal. We had some disagreements about what he would do should he decide to leave his business partnership and I now think he felt like I was standing in his way.

Of course the more he withdrew and became unstable, the more I did. The next thing I know, he's found someone else, he loves her, blah blah blah

There are some promising highlights to this story so far. One is he ended R with OW...who actually told him that he'd be happier working things out with me. He does talk to her, but he says it's only to get a woman's view of things. I have not demanded that he end contact with her, but I know he has no physical R with her any longer because that is the only area right now that him and I are able to connect.

I know this will take time.......I know he has to find his way and I have to find mine. I have so many fears, mostly of the unknown, which is always the case. I have started making plans for myself, and he feels right now he just needs to "be".

JJ, having just stumbled across your question for me, I will answer.
You asked which part of Michele's wisdom helped me the most.
1) Firstly, I decided to accept some blame for my problem, even though I didn't really think it was my fault, we all know deep down that it takes two.

2)As far as Michele's advice, it was wonderful to read that divorce isn't the answer and that it is possible to turn things around. Without experience in this area, we all fear we are on the slippery slope. I would say to everyone, as Michele says, do not listen to well-meaning friends and family who think you have suffered enough, you've given it your best shot, etc. Tell them you need encouragement. They really do not know.

3) Michele's description of MLC was extremely comforting. To understand a bit of what was going on with my H gave me patience.

4) The first thing I did was to get myself a phone consultation. The advice Vernetta gave me was priceless. Her insight into my situation was what kept me going. She told me to change my behavior. I would not have known to do that. I learned to be careful with what I did and said. I had always been impulsive, and very "up front" before. I suppose this was a "180". I learned as I went along, because I repeated the behaviors which worked, as Michele says to do.

I also bought the "Marriage Breakthrough Tapes". They may not be overly geared to MLC, but I would recommend them to every couple, especially those who are young. I wish I had watched them 20 years ago. They are so full of good sense and guidance. The bit I liked the best is that we argue about the same things 25 years on in our marriage that we did at first. This is so true. I have now decided to give in on my big issue (he saves everything). It just isn't worth compromising your happiness over.

Forgot to say that the main thing I did, which Vernetta told me to do was to "act as if". I asked her "how do you act happy when you want to cry?" She said, "YOU ACT!"

Instead of trying to "cure" their whole MLC "disease" right now, what would be one, specific "symptom" that you would like to see "treated" to begin with?

What would be the first step in the list of 82,976 things that need to be fixed that would help to make you feel like you, and they, are making some progress?

Well, I guess showing SOME form of responsibility for the kids would be the most important for me. My H says "call me if you need anything". I tell him "D needs a ride sometimes" & he just give me the deer in the headlights stare. He has now stopped paying support (or reduced it to next to nothing). What makes them think that all responsibility goes out the window when THEY start acting like teenagers??? I want to know???

Barb