Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H is having affair after all

Oh no ((((((((((((((((((EVE))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't know what to say for the best, I never had an OW in my sitch (my H decided he didn't love me all by himself).

This is horrible news. I hope he has the guts to turn up and face you, instead of hiding away and being dishonest like he has been. I suppose it will be "because I didn't want to hurt you". Well, tough. Did he think he never would? Or maybe he was hoping you'd meet someone else in the meantime.

you have my email if you need it ... thinking of you in what has to be one of the worst days of your life (((((EvE)))))

He came eventually and not like a dog with it's tail between his legs like like I thought he would. He came in and said he was sorry that i had found out the way I did - B*****d.

Background on how I found out, it's complicated, i'll try and make it easy.

I have suspected P/A for a year, H denied, decided to put these issues/thoughts out of my head and DB as best I could, all the while feeling i'm in quick sand, but H was still VERY MUCH connected, although half in the door as a married man, half out the door as a single man.

We both work at a school, OW is a parent, H is a swimming instructor at the school and we also run a private swimming school. OW teaches for us and helps H out at the school. 18 months ago her H had a very bad stroke, which left him unable to speak or walk, my h helped her arrange physio for him.
Anyway, another long story short she left her H before xmas.

Today her in-laws have been into school with enough evidence to drown h, alot more stuff was said, but maybe not relevant here and now.

The Headmaster thought I should be aware, so his PA(a good friend) came and told me.

Headmaster asked H to come and see him later this pm, he confronted H with what he had and H denied the affair. He said nothing was going on, they were good friends and had been seeing one another as friends....

When H eventually got here, he tried to deny it, until I told him i had seen enough evidence to not doubt his guilt.

H said the M was over when we seperated in Oct and that the affair started in the late summer and ended last week, b/c things were getting nasty with her in laws and her boys were getting dragged into it. He said she was very understanding of the that the affair had to end...bollocks.

He must have phoned O/W straight after he got out of the HM's office at 3.00 pm and planned together to say this.. He texted me at 3.30 and said he had just got out, i said don't lie, you got out at 3.00pm b/c the HM phoned me.

He came we talked, i asked why, he said we just didn't have fun, that i had sexual hang ups from my first marriage (true, he was a sick pervert) and he just wanted fun, that I wouldn't do x,y,z, not that that was his idea of fun to do these things, but....

He said we were seperated, i guess he was trying to say it was ok for him to have an affair b/c we were seperated.. He said he was living his life and i was living my life. But if you read my sitch from mid december he was away on a ski trip and phoned early one morning, he over heard me say 'stop it' . I was talking to the cat, but he thought i had someone in bed with me. H got all angry which started a barrage of phone calls, saying who was with me, it was ok for me to see someone but we would need to discuss the house and financial arrangements blah blah blah, so where does he get off having an affair and been angry at the thought of me having one?

More was said, but maybe later. I asked him to leave and asked for his key back, he gave it relunctantly, but i need space, he has that with his flat.

Eve

xxx

Eve,

I am so sorry. I wish he hadn't tried to deny it.

Eve,
I'm so sorry you are here also, but you will find lots of supportive people here.

As far as the lying goes, my H lied for months also. It wasn't until I had hard evidence that he finally admitted it, but he hasn't ever really expressed remorse for it.

Please prepare yourself for a bumpy road. There are some good outcomes, but it will be a long hard trip.

Hugs,

thank you all, at least I have somewhere to come and vent and get support.

I read the article, it seemed mostly about reconcilation and moving forward together after the affair, a place i'm not at right now.

I've broken all the DB rules tonight, b/c I have texted him quite a large text. I knew i shouldn't, but I've kept quiet and put a lid on my anger for so long that I thought tonight I could be allowed to express my anger in his direction. I didn't beg or cry, I just called him a few choice words and said he had a choice and he made the choice to have an affair, that he ran away from our problems because he wanted fun. I said i didnt want to ML to him when I didn't feel loved and whilst I wasn't feeling connected i certainly didn't want to make home movies in front of mirrored wardrobes dressed like a tart. I'm sorry if thats your thing, I don't think I would mind, just that XH used to get off on it and it made me feel cheap and nasty.

Anyway, he's gone quiet which is very unusual. I told him to sack the bitch before i got there on saturday (don't know what i'll do if he doesn't sack her, any suggestions??? - legal ones anyway.

It's not only the sickness i feel from thinking about them physically, but its teh deception and the way i found out, i don't think he intended to tell me, as he said he was sorry for the way i had found out. Why the decption, why not tell me last year when I thought I knew.

He's a coward and right now I hate him.

X Eve

he said teh affair only started after we seperated. That he told me how he felt and it was over when he left.

I feel bad for the lack of communication and misunderstanding. I still wore my rings as a sign of my commitment. I told him this, I also said that i thought the seperation was atime for reflection for both of us, time to work on ourselves and in time rebuild the friendship and the R. He said he was sorry for the misunderstanding.

xxx

What a mess. Try to let everything he said to you today just slide off you - it's not your fault and there is no good reason "why". None of what he said to you today means anything. It doesn't tell the story. The story probably doesn't deserve to be told.

It sounds like he really may not be that serious about OW - just a distraction that has blown up in his face and he is now in damage control mode.

I'm thinking of you. ((((eve))))

Eve,

I wish I could give you a big hug.

If I was in your situation I think I would write him a letter telling him how you feel about it all. You don't have to send it, infact I would recommend not sending him any communications at the moment, but write it to get some of the angst out of your system and so you can reread it and compose your thoughts. If you can, I would try and leave it 24 - 48 hrs before YOU intiate any conatct.

I am going to bed now but I am around all tomorrow. Call me if you want to.

I hate to say it, but this is almost always a lie.

Still here... I have no suggestions, just take care of yourself and don't make any decisions now, your feelings have been rubbed raw.

((((((((((((Eve))))))))))))))