Well I ended up going back to talk to OW. And once again I left baffled. She makes it impossible for me to be angry at her she is very calming. I believe that H is near stalking her. She does respond, and as I see on the phone bill has talked even recently(the night I went out and H texted me the whole time) for up to a half and hour so he couldn't be bothering her too much. But she says she tells him not to call and that he should be with his W. She says she is not interested in him as anything other than a friend and even in the beginning when there was the subject brought up of a relationship that she told him he was not her type that he is too skinny, has too little hair and is too old. She says she likes a bigger guy(probably since she is bigger, more like 250 and up. H was 185 and is down to 165 with stress. She still says all convos are oddly innocent, asking how she is, what is going on with her ex, that he never broaches any subject of a relationship between them. He has told her however that he and I have not had sex since December and just recently that I am leaving him. So the beauty of it is my H is leaving us for absolutely nothing. And he is pissed at me. Really. He sent me a text saying I hope you had a good time cause this will be your last. I asked if he meant he was going to kill me, he said don't be stupid. Well at least that is good! She told me that her cell phone runs out of time this week and she is changing her number and she will text it to me so I can watch for it on the bill I said, better idea don't give it to him! She mentioned that he had called and left her a nasty message the one night becuase he saw a car of a coworker at her house and said so are you sleeping with x now? She thought this was odd because she really was under the impression they have no R.
Puppy I had no question for you, just wanted to point out how right you were that H was calling her immediately before or after ML to me.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
neecy, just wanted to say my H moved out this past weekend, and I am right where you are. Sad, sad, sad. But....there is a 'but'....sometimes something needs to happen, a change, a stir up...
PS: Been there done that with the phone call to OW right after we ML. Knife in the back......
Hey Neecy, I replied to your E-mail, Take care lady.. I can see how maybe it is not the OW. MAYBE..... but she does sound like he is stalking her. Drove by her house to see who was there?...Hummmm Seems he does not trust her. great way to start an R.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
H came home last night(he actually has still not told d and moved out) and said if there was any chance of our marriage being saved that by my going to her place of work I ruined it. He is so blind to the fact that for everything he has done I have forgiven(or tried to). He said "I told you not to go there over and over again and you still did"
Haven't I told him not to do things?
It doesn't matter, maybe him hating on me makes everything easier. He was annoyed the lawyer didn't call last night. I sent him an email this morning saying feel free to leave tonight, I will let him know what the lawyer says, there will be nothing concrete decided on the phone. He was supposed to take D to daycare this morning he leaves for work at 7:30 I leave at 7:10. I usually get her ready while he is in the shower. He came up from the shower at 6:50 and said he was leaving, I could take her to daycare. I can see that coparenting is going to be an issue. Everything is going to be an issue. I have to let go and its really not in my nature.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
. I have to let go and its really not in my nature.
I can see this in your postings. I know it is not as bad as your sitch but in the beginning when W found out I knew where OM lived,worked and played. She told me that if I contacted him "It ws over" her thinking was such that she could tell me what to do but I could tell her. No mater what I said it did not penatrate that thick shull of hers. her way of rashiliszing things in her mind made everything ok for what she did and me.... I was worthless. well.... During Our talk last weekend I asked her what makes it right to tell me that I can't talk to OM but I can't tell her she can't? She did not say anything but had "that look" of ya I see your point. Now I THINK my W OM has no intrest in having a relationship with her. ( like your OW). and It took my w some time to realize it. It was wrong, don't get me wrong but I think the OM just wanted a piece of ass and she gave it too him. THEN.... She started buggig him with phone calls I mean they were talking several times a day. (when I checked records long ago). I can imagiane he would look at his phone and think Man not agian.....
Stay strong lady thinking about ya
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
It is so hard to sit here and H has not contacted me at all today, he has been doing a lot of texting lately and now nothing. The hardest part of it is to realize that this is the new normal because we are not going to be together anymore so i shouldn't expect that he would be contacting me. I set up a sleepover for D tomorrow night so I will be looking to make plans to do something. It may be H's first night moved out, if tonight isn't.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I'm sure you already know this, but all that "NOW you've done it! This is all your fault now!" stuff is ENTIRELY SCRIPT for a wayward spouse in an active affair to say. They will do everything, even re-write your marital history, just to make it all your fault.
Nevermind, of course, that he was carrying on ANYWAY, even BEFORE you went and did that!
He is blind, and selfish, and unfortunately, you can't "teach" him. All you can do it work on you, and be a great mom, and shine a light back toward your marriage. Whether or not he follows that light, you cannot control.
I'm sure you already know this, but all that "NOW you've done it! This is all your fault now!" stuff is ENTIRELY SCRIPT for a wayward spouse in an active affair to say. They will do everything, even re-write your marital history, just to make it all your fault.
I've noticed this more and more lately, at first it wasn't about me he was just a screw up, now its for 12 years I've been telling you this....
He did text me at lunch time to say I am sorry about this morning.
I just got a call from a friend and the EAP counsellor at work saying that she knows that I want to keep what is going on private but as a heads up she has been approached by a couple coworkers(and friends) asking if I am ill since I have been so down(cause I am normally a perky girl) and that I am so thin.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
He is blind, and selfish, and unfortunately, you can't "teach" him. All you can do it work on you, and be a great mom, and shine a light back toward your marriage. Whether or not he follows that light, you cannot control.
Painfully hard, I know!!!
Puppy is so right. I know how extremely difficult this is, Neecy - I never thought I could do it myself either - but you've really got to detach and let go. You cannot control the situation; you can only control yourself. It's stated all the time, but it is the real truth. Once you start to let go, that's when you really allow yourself to begin healing. Only then can you truly focus on achieving your personal goals, focus on becoming a better you. Not just for yourself, but for your D as well. She needs to see her mama strong, confident, forgiving, and loving. Not sad, angry, or bitter.
Keep your chin up. You can get through this, Neecy.
Shine that light.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
