This CharlyneCares newsletter really hit me between the eyes with a huge 2x4. Are we showing admiration and unconditional love toward our WAS/MLCer? Or is it false? I can usually tell when someone is fake with me. Does my wife think I am being fake or does she believe I genuinely love her and admire her for the person she really is?
Welcome to Charlyne Cares, a free daily devotional from Rejoice Marriage Ministries. - - - - -
"What Brought Bob Home?" -
"This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:32-33
Many of the letters received by Rejoice Marriage Ministries have an underlying question; "What brought Bob home?" For over seventeen years, we have attempted to answer by teaching about unconditional love, or love that overlooks faults and actions. We have taught about forgiveness, and about how to handle the rejection, fear, disappointment, and the other hurts. Charlyne and I have shared with standers from the depths of our hearts, yet I have never heard my wife express precisely what she feels caused my sinful heart to be softened.
While listening to a sermon, the Holy Spirit spoke a word to my heart that I knew immediately was what my wife had for me when we were divorced, and when she was standing with God and praying for a marriage restored by God.
That word was admiration. To best be able to explain admiration for you, I went to the dictionary. I discovered that admiration means, "A delighted contemplation of something worthy or beautiful; esteem; respect." That’s what my wife had for me! Once God spoke to her, Charlyne never stopped "admiring" me, as she contemplated something worthy, namely a marriage touched and healed by Jesus Christ.
There is a God-given need for admiration by our spouse built into each of us. I can write an article, and a hundred standers can email to say thanks, and to express how much the piece touched them, but even that tremendous response does not come near my wife’s words of praise and her smile when she first read my work, typos and all. Standers may have appreciated my efforts, but my wife admired me for what I had done.
Many standers get into trouble when they attempt to force emotions that are not there. You can attempt to demonstrate unconditional love to an lovable mate all day, but sooner or later, something will happen, or words exchanged, that are just too much, and the unconditional love evaporates in instant.
Charlyne had admiration for me, even when I was leading a sinful life, not because of what I was, but because of her "delighted contemplation of something worthy," namely our restored marriage.
You may have been standing since yesterday, or for a dozen years, but here is the hard question; Do you admire your prodigal spouse right now? Can you "contemplate something worthy" in them? Do you have "esteem" and "respect" for your beloved, without adding, "... yes, if they would only ..."
The world’s way of dealing with marriage problems, starting with communication problems, and restraining or protection orders, through adultery, and right into the divorce court, is not designed to have a wounded spouse "contemplate something worthy" about their spouse. The world’s way is to get mad, get even, get over, and get on with life when a marriage crisis strikes.
If you were to outline your marriage situation to a stranger today, you would he hard pressed to find anyone who, after hearing what your spouse has done, would suggest that you admire, or "contemplate something lovely," about the offender. Yet, that is what Jesus teaches us to do.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9
Throughout the Bible, God’s people are taught to strive for the character of Christ, and to seek those same qualities in the people we love.
"In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything." I Timothy 3:11
"You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance." Titus 2:1-2
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:1-2
What brought me home? The admiration of a wife, freely given at a time when I did not deserve to be admired. Charlyne was able to look beyond my sin, and with eyes like Jesus, to "contemplate something lovely" in me.
Do you feel the need to email and advise me how off-base I am, sent along with a narrative of your prodigal mate's faults? If so, I am writing just to you. I won't do so, but I could equal or top everything your prodigal is doing, and yet Charlyne still admired me.
I pray that you will follow her example. Get rid of the hate and give Jesus your soft heart to work in.
My prayer for you is that today, and tomorrow, and all the days after, you will also be able to admire, or to "contemplate something lovely" in your prodigal spouse. Thinking like that transfers into actions and prayers that can change a hardened heart. I know, because it happened to me!
Blessings, Bob Steinkamp, Returned Prodigal Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.® Post Office Box 10548 Pompano Beach, Florida 33061 USA Ministry: http://RejoiceMinistries.org Bookstore: http://StopDivorce.org
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Oh holy cow MMF! I hadn't read that one yet. 2x4 for sure. I can't see anything in my H right now that I admire. Ok wait, one thing - I'll hold onto that - he is actively trying to become more involved in S13's life and be more encouraging to him. He told him how proud he was that he has all passing grades now (he was failing math and had a D in English) when before he would have told him that he needed to work harder now to get those C's up to A's and B's. He also has been very encouraging to him in his karate. Again, not criticizing him for every wrong move he makes but encouraging him to try again and succeed.
I'll hang on to those thoughts of him and admire him for that.
Thanks for sharing!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hi MMF....will you please get/post the permissions from Charlyne. I see the scripture permissions, (and you don't need them for those...but you should have Charlyne's).
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I had their permission in an e-mail but I may have deleted it. I have requested it when we talked last time and I sent them an additional request yesterday.
I won't post further until I receive the approval again.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I received a call from my W this evening. She was actually calling the kids to say goodnight however they were out with my mom for dinner.
She sounded friendly during our brief conversation. She asked me if I had done my taxes yet. I told her I just filed yesterday morning. Her response was a slightly hesitant "oh, okay".
A couple of weeks ago, when she discussed the parenting plan, she mentioned needing finality by finishing up the D. She stated that everything was more complicated where we are at the present. Even with taxes, she wasn't sure how to file. I said, I would say married filing separately. (I ended up filing Married Head of Household, removing her from my records).
Earlier today, I was teasing S13, telling him that he needed to finish my taxes. He said he didn't know how to do taxes and I told him I was just teasing, that I already filed them Saturday. He said his mom said her taxes were bad. I asked him if she said what she meant by that and he said no.
The only thing I can imagine is that at her second job, she was receiving tips but never kept money over the side for the taxes so now she is challenged with owing money. Other than her student loans, she does not have anything she can write off.
Anyway, I am very curious as to why she would ask me if I have filed yet. Any ideas?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
You claim the kids, right? You filed as head of household too? No wonder, she has no credits, then, would this be correct?
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Yes, I claim the kids and I filed as head of household. She has been gone since Nov 06 and has seen the kids about 5 - 7% of the time and that is just the boys, she has seen our D15 even less. All she has is her student loan (deducting interest).
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Yes, I claim the kids and I filed as head of household. She has been gone since Nov 06 and has seen the kids about 5 - 7% of the time and that is just the boys, she has seen our D15 even less. All she has is her student loan (deducting interest).
This is why she is in a mess--no tax credits, no refunds.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
