First of all thanks to everyone for following my situation and giving me support. I am not sure what I will do just yet...but am glad that H is only going to be here on weekends from now on.
However tonight starts the weekend. H is coming down tonight, or at least that was the plan before the stuff hit the fan....I told him in a brief e-mail response last night that I still plan on him coming down this weekend and being w/the kids because they are counting on seeing him. Plus he keeps saying they are the only good in his life so he needs them, too.
I have looked into a couple hotels for me, too, but I always have hated going to a hotel alone...part of me feels like this is my house I am living in it and I shouldn't have to go anywhere...
But maybe I will, I thought about getting a room with a whirlpool tub in it and soaking the night away....or at least getting out, going to a movie that can distract me for a while. I know I am going to go out and do SOMETHING...I do NOT want to go out w/any of my friends though. I know people say you need to be around other people but right now I don't want to be around anyone. Poor babies to be honest I don't even really want to be with my kids. Just want to be alone for awhile. Called in sick to subbing today due to S's fever last night. But fever is gone, so he is going to school at least 1/2 day so I can have some "peace" time...
Gotta go drive kids to school. Thanks again guys for being there for me...
And to the guys out there if you can decipher guy language in a special way and see anything in H's letter to me, please let me know. John, I usually just want a listener, not solutions, but this time if you had a suggestion for me I would be happy to at least consider it.....
He is extremely confused and lost. IMO it sounds like he has self esteem issues and women (not sure about the other references) are the way he makes himself feel better. The problem, however, is with him. Therefore nothing is going to fix it but him.
BBJ, this isn't about you. This is all him. Don't let him take you down with him. You are way too good for that. Too special a person and a too special a mother.
BobbiJo I have been reading your sitch and I am so sorry to hear about the turn of events.
If you would like to have some time to yourself, but want to stay in your home could you meet H half way and let him have the kids this weekend in Iowa?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I agree with Woog. Nothing you do or have done in the past explains HIS actions. Therefore, I would like to suggest that you go pitch dark.....not to save your M but to save yourself (overly dramatic). I like the idea of getting away but don't agree on the alone part. It is imperative that you surround yourself with good people this weekend and avoid any H talk if at all possible. Use this forum for your relationship talk/husband bashing etc.......
John and I are both in alignment on the being with people thing. Honestly, I have the same reactions your do. I want to get away and be by myself similar circumstances. However, I usually find that all I do is wallow in my own freakish misery.
I also agree that you should avoid H talk for a few days. Not for him or the marriage, but for you.
Keep breathing. Winston Churchill said it best "when you are going through hell, keep going"
Thanks for the input guys. Still don't know what I am going to do. I know you think I should be around other people but I am just at such a loss for words. I don't know how I could be with my friends or family and just hang out like it's a regular old Saturday afternoon or whatever when my marriage, and through it my hopes and dreams for me, H, and the kids, is falling apart around me...I don't want to have to wear a "game face" right now....
Also Woog it probably doesn't make a difference but FYI when he refers to previous problems he means this: Wichita: where he had affair #1
Boise: when we lived there he took a business trip to Tokyo and took a stripper back to his hotel room one night. Admitted it to me as soon as he got back from the trip. At the time said he slept w/her. At MC this past winter he said they just "messed around" Doesn't really matter either way does it?
Strippers: pretty self-explanatory. But embarrassingly enough for me to admit, when we were newlyweds (me 22 H 23) I went with him a few times, even with some of his coworkers once. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time b/c when we got home I was the one who got action. How dumb was I? But anyway once the Tokyo thing happened I said no more strippers ever again, you showed you can't handle yourself....so every so often he'd go on a business trip and via reading our bank records (large withdrawals, etc) I would figure out he'd gone to the strippers again...
Other stuff: Finally, he got into phone sex for awhile. About 3 months into our marriage I was organizing our bill files and saw on his credit card from college that he called these places a lot while in college. Decided that was college guy stuff, no big deal as we are married now. But after 18 months of marriage I found out through the bills again that he had spent $1500 on phone sex calls in the prior 2 yr period (6 mos before our marriage up until that present time)
I am not sure what causes him to "hate" women as he says. If he blames them for his weakness, if he feels they jerk him around, what. His mom is no picnic she is very dependent/controlling, she will do things for her family but then it is "What do I get from you for all I have done FOR you?" Basically she feels she is owed for her mothering her kids....But otherwise he only had one real girlfriend before me and that was in High School so I can't picture anything too traumatic there. She was overweight and pushy (kind of like his mom!) and by the time he broke up w/her he said he didn't know why he ever dated her in the first place...so it isn't like he ever had his heart ripped out by a woman...
Oh well it is, as you accurately said, his problem to solve, not mine. I want to go pitch dark but I also want to know what we are doing about the weekend. I am solid on him having the kids b/c little Nate (5 1/2) has been counting the days on the calendar until Daddy comes back home...But H did not reply to my reply to his e-mail last night, and hasn't called or TM-ed me either. I want to make sure he is still coming down tonight b/c S thinks he is. How can I make sure of that and STILL be dark??
I tried to send you a PM, but you have so many people who care about you it was full.
Look at it this way, all the women he has screwed around with come with no strings attached. They make him feel good without him having to do anything in return (other than money). It's "easy love".
Being a husband and a father aren't easy love. You have to work for it. He is lazy and doesn't want to work for it.
BBJ, I completely understand your desire to be alone. Trust me, you and I are completely similar in this area. But, I know it's not healthy for me and probably not for you.
Do you have one friend you can trust to spend some time with? Someone who won't judge you and will just be there?
I will think about getting together with someone this weekend. I am slow to catch on to abbreviations. What is a PM? I am surprised it is full if I don't know what it is??
