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Hi everyone

My last thread locked so I've started a second one. I'll be writing about my day once I get D to bed.

Jen

Hi, I posted this on my solution journal with cw68 too so sorry for double posting.

H went away yesterday (Sunday) and says he had time to think a bit but is planning to go away for 2 days this week. He has thanked me over and over for "letting" him have some time off. He says he doesn't want his feelings to effect his decision. He was telling me that he broke down on Friday but I don't know if this was while with our friend or while he was by himself. I'm very worried about him because he is so stressed and sad. I know part of him wants to come home but he thinks he can't do it. He is going to find an apartment to rent with a friend who is having a hard time with his wife (totally different sitch and type of guy). They were talking about it today and I caught him saying: "the apartment will be a 6 month lease and thats good because I don't want anymore than that right now".

I am almost convinced that I am being tested. Do you feel like this too? Is it normal for the WAS to test the LBS?

Jen

Hey Jen,

I feel like I'm being tested too. I feel like my H wanted me to make new friends get out and get a life.. and I wanted us and our D2 to be my life.. and he was just burnt out. So now he has made the decision for me to get a life since the one I had counted on is no longer there.

By the way, it sounded really positive the talk you had with your H about him taking a couple of days to himself.. and I think that he doesn't want to a lease for longer than 6 months sounds like a positive too!

W2G

W2G, You sound like me in that regard. H wanted and still wants me to make friends but all I ever wanted was to spend time together as a family. I guess that wasn't the best option though because I see now that by not meeting new people I put pressure on him to spend more time with me. Too much time together is definitly a bad idea!

I think I expected him to make me happy when I should have been doing that for myself.

His line tonight was "This is not what I want but I think it's the mature thing to do" Puleese I felt like saying mature people stand for their Ms but that would have been against DB for sure.

I have a new mantra: GAL, GAL, GAL
Jen

Jen, it seems like your H really appreciates the space you are giving him and the fact he only wants a 6 month lease on the apartment is a great sign. If he really is "testing" you, you're passing with flying colours and he will come to realize that eventually.
Keep DBing, he will notice the changes in you.

I'm sure there is some testing going on. You've been making changes and things aren't quite what he expected them to be. Continue to shake up his expectations. Give him the space, move forward a bit with your life. I think the six month lease is a good sign, too, because it's not permanent. Our apartment lease is up at the end of July. I figure I've got at least until then.

I think you are right, Jen, he is testing you, and I'm sure that he is not aware of it himself. It is not like a person making conscious decision to put someone to test, not in his confused state of mind . It's just something they all do (I read about it).

I agree with W2G, what he said about the lease is a positive sign, mark it as a baby step but don't dwell on it. Act as if you didn't hear him saying it and keep your DBing, you are doing so good!

Oh, and congrats on your second thread!

Thanks everyone. I won't let on that I got that part of the conversation. The best thing about not knowing the language really well is I can play "dumb"

As for the testing. I guess he's not really planning it. A couple of weeks ago he said "even when we seperated you still have the same issues" I imagine that he's testing me to see if I can change a bit and maybe be able to let go more.

So he claims he doesn't want the D but doesn't see any other way out. That's both a good and bad sign to me. Its good because it shows there is some hope but bad because it seems he's giving up.

Have you ever thought maybe you'd like them to go to MC with you but you know they don't want to? How can I get him to go while thinking it was HIS idea. Is that too devious?

Jen

So, Ive been told that H is not having a MLC. I don't think he is either because he really doesn't exhibit the symptoms. He is depressed and tired of the whole M though. I have been trying so hard not to call, text or question him at all but I do answer his calls. I am not inviting him to the apt. anymore but we have made plans to go shopping for a friends Bday Saturday. Basically if he wants to talk or spend time with me he has to ask but I'm not asking him anymore. Space was requested space will be given if it kills me.

He actually touched me today. We were saying goodbye and he rubbed my arm. I didn't even notice so I couldn't have reacted. I'm so happy to have my first physical baby step.

Hope you guys are doing well.

Jen

Jen, who told you this?

Congratulations on your first physical baby step.