I think the most valuable thing I learned from Divorce Busting--the website, the books and the technique, was how to communicate differently.
I also think that the term "Divorce Busting" is a bit of a misnomer, or a little misleading. Because while marriages can be restored and saved with patience and understanding and better communication, there is no guarantee that following the techniques will save the marriage. BUT, that is no reason to consider yourself a "Divorce Busting failure" because the techniques we learn go way beyond "saving the marriage." I still come here to bounce ideas off of my friends, get advice on my continuing challenges and also provide insight to those who are floundering. However, I am not trying to stop my divorce (already happened) or alter the path that my ex husband is taking. There was a time when saving my marriage was the objective but when it became clear that was not possible, I had to shift my focus. The objective was different but the techniques were not. I learned how to stand up for myself and I can now apply the things I learned to my ex and others.
Wouldn't it be weird if I was still here saying "Gee, Mitch is moving to Maryland, he's so clueless and still so deep into his MLC." You guys would be slapping me upside the head I'm sure.
BND, you're H was a basket case--I remember those hideous emails. he is the exception though, not the rule and I wish you both a long and happy life together, I truly do. Those H's that still keep in lots of contact (like BND's H) may indeed be trying to make their way back, only you LBS's can determine that. But no matter if they are or aren't, there are going to be a lot of changes we as individuals are going to need to make to make sure we are happy in our next relationship (be it with a returned spouse or someone new).
I hear people here say "teach your children to DB their mother" which I think is good advice but what they really mean is teach your children how to communicate differently with their mother.
Marshall Rosenburg is an expert in "Non-Violent Communication" techniques and I think link this can help ALL of us learn to truly listen to other people to understand their needs and also teach us to express what our needs are in an effective way. His theory is that human beings, in their deepest soul, truly want to contribute to the well being of others. The key is learning how to hear what others want without jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. It's on You-Tube and if you look to the right there are other videos that are very insightful.
I think we try to rush the work because we are an instant gratification sort of society
I mean...we can say we are doing the work and we are reading the books but it doesn't matter if the whole time we are doing that we are setting ourselves on a sort of timeline...
like i did the therapy thing (check) went to the gym (check) did NC for aweek (check)
it happens in its own timeline and pushing it to move faster just won't work
Althea - I love your work. You have really used this journey to mold yourself into a more mature, wise woman. What a gift, hey?
When I was in the thick of separation in early 2005, despite the fact my husband displayed ALL the characteristics of an MLC, I posted on the Infidelity board, because when I read this board, I could see people who had been posting here for years, talking about the whole thing taking years and I just couldn't set myself up for that. Later, when the pain was cooler and my head clearer, I read MLC because there were/are some good, clever, thinking people here who I enjoyed reading and discussing issues with.
One of the problems for me with the MLC concept is that we almost set up an expectation about how long it's likely to take - and build into the DB/MLC culture that a good god-fearing wife or husband, will stand strong and pray for their spouse until such time as they come out of their crisis, which will evidently lead them home to the welcome heart of family. You know the reality of that for me was always that he'd break up with his partner and come home for lack of a better offer!!! And at the time, I thought so little of myself that I was going to be OK with that!!
The fundamental problem with that logic is that when a person is going through a personal crisis, they change. That's the point of crisis it makes us change, reassess how we are going in life, make new plans - our partner changes, the environment changes, the kids change etc etc - and yet we hold onto all hope that marriage is the one institution that can or might survive all that change and personal growth. It's flawed logic.
I know how important hope is, especially when going through what I think is probably the most painful period of your life, it certainly was mine. But hope itself might keep us going - it's not enough to fill our life with.
The other problem with the MLC thinking around here is that it's "their" problem. MLC allows us to take the mirror off ourselves to some extent and make the marriage problems about our spouses 'illness'. What I always liked about Infidelity back in the day was the emphasis on GAL, setting goals, reflecting on the things I did that meant when my husband did have an MLC he had hooked up with the first woman who came along, rather than feeling safe enough in our relationship to live through his crisis within the bounds of the marriage.
There are a couple of women on the boards right now, one of them's been here as long as me, who are still "standing" for husbands who have been violent towards them, to come out of the tunnel and back into the family home and I really worry about them.
I particularly worry about one of them, who every now and then seems to come to her sences and admit that she thinks she might be fighting a losing battle and inevitably a whole heap of very religious posters come out and give her some more carefully edited "evidence" from (at times questionable) religious liturature. To my mind that is even more potentially harmful than the "well he might be coming out of the tunnel" advice.
You know none of us knows what tomorrow might bring. Just this weekend, a woman I know, who was in an extreamly loving and commited marriage has become a widow after her husband died in a horrible car accident. Another friend's wife died of cancer on thursday after a short illness. A woman was telling me today about her friend who returned to her ex-husband after being divorced for 4 years. Life is a miracle and it can bring so many surprises - good and bad. We have an obligation to open ourselves up to the changes that can bring good things in our life.
"Standing" for a marriage, sometimes for a really long time, that may or may not have been as good as we remember it, is almost like stamping our feet saying "I'm not accepting that this is over. I don't care about your point of view, I don't care that you want something else- I want to be married and I'm going to stand here pouting until I get my way because what I want is more important than what you want." - and that can't be the basis for any healthy equitable relationship.
Keep up the good thinking Althea.
v
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
"Standing" for a marriage, sometimes for a really long time, that may or may not have been as good as we remember it, is almost like stamping our feet saying "I'm not accepting that this is over. I don't care about your point of view, I don't care that you want something else- I want to be married and I'm going to stand here pouting until I get my way because what I want is more important than what you want." - and that can't be the basis for any healthy equitable relationship.
I for one struggle with this very issue BUT I just can't let go enough to let happen what will. I wish I could
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
It seems that people are not quite sure what it really means to stand, and maybe we are allowed to have our own interpretation.
To me, I guess standing meant allowing him to do the work whether or not a Divorce was iminent.
To be still in the fact that I needed to keep my mouth shut and make changes for myself.
Not to provoke him in any way, and to try to live my life and not just exist.
I also noticed that when I started to live my life again, and not focus on him anymore, I think I became more interesting, because then he would try to contact me.
At one time, he told me that he was afraid I really was moving on with my life and he was scared he would lose me.
Remember, this is the Man who told me to get a life of my own and to find someone else to love me, because he was never coming back to me.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
