Well, I was so bummed about this kid and moving thing I decided to throw a party....yes I am! TA-NOITE!!!!
But, something gave me a little hope today. H came over this morning and noticed all the furniture pushed aside and asked if I had a party. I was like..."having one tonite"...just as pleasant as I could be. I had some music playing while I was cleaning and getting ready for the party. We have the same taste in music and he commented about it.
H: Awww man!! No you not playing my cut! M: Man...U don't know nuthin' bout that! H: That's a cut! Been out for a long time. M: This the shyte dude! H: I want that on my IPod. M: Well just download it. H: Have to be computer literate to do that. M: Well let me know when u want to do it and we can do it. H: U can do it here? M: Yup H: OK, I will. I want that song.
Real pleasant interaction. Was really nice.
So he was getting ready to leave and I had to ask...I know I shouldn't but I had to. He has been kinda coming around so I was just temperature taking....I know...I see ya eyes rollin'!
Well, I asked him if he ever thought about us getting back together. I was real nice...for real...I was smiling and diggin the music and just asked really casually. He actually said, "Yeah sometimes...I just got so much on my plate right now." I just smiled and said, "OK". As he was walking out he hugged me and said, "I'll see you later." I patted him on the back and said, "Take it easy dude. It'll be alright." He smiles and says, "Yeah. Have fun at your party."
So, all in all, a pretty decent episode with him. Gives me a little insight into what is going on with him. I think he still cares but has too many obligations right now and needs time to sort everything out. And it's like they say on this board a lot...'it's really not about you, it's about them'. Before today, I was on the verge of throwing in the towel....forget it...I'm done. I even called an attorney (he didn't call me back yet) but I made the call. Now I'm having doubts again. This back and forth is draino....on the real!
I think I'm just gonna sit tight....keep it light....and do me! PARTY OVA HERE!!!!!
Firstly, party was nice. It was REALLY cold outside so I knew not too many people would show up. But I had a few of my die-hard friends over and we had a ball! Good food, good music, good shyte talkin' fun!
Well, on Monday I was home cuz of the holiday and decided to call H to ask if he wanted to do lunch. Got VM. He called me back and sounded really down. When I asked him if he was alright he said No. Told me he was having surgery that morning. I'm like, "WHAT???!!! How come I didn't know about it? Why am I just finding out NOW??"
Well he explained the situation and I told him I am coming down there right now. I asked him which hospital he was at but he wouldn't tell me. Said he would be alright and that I didn't need to come down. WTF???? Now I'm thinking...you can't have surgery then drive yourself home. So I asked him if he had somebody to drive him home he said, "No. I don't want nobody to be with me. I just want to be alone." Wow....blew my wig off! Had me thinkin' that maybe things aren't going so well with 'girlie girl'. He doesn't even want her to go with him while he was having surgery....wow.
So anyway....he was supposed to call me when he was done but did not. He was scheduled for 10:30am but by 4:00 I hadn't heard from him. So I called. Well it turns out that he was trying to have the procedure done at the dr. office but she wouldn't do it. She sent him to the hospital instead. Apparently when I called him the nurse had just given him some meds so he was kinda drowsy. I asked if he was alone and he said "No...not now. No." So I guess shorty was with him this time. I just said, "OK good. The most important thing is that your not alone trying to do this." (Am I DB'ing my arse off or what?)
Anyway, long story short, our conversation ended up getting very emotional on the phone of course. He was calling me by my pet name and I came so close to saying I LOVE YOU...it took all the strength I had in my physical being not to say it. I really, really, REALLY regret not telling him I love him. I got DB on da brain! Messed up 4 real...
But what bugs the HELL out of me is...my H is having surgery and I can't even be there. Sucks BIG TYME!! His OW is there and I don't even know which hospital he was at. Needless to say I didn't sleep last nite. But I believe if I had said I loved him he would have said it back. It would have been a drug induced I love you...but still...it would have been nice to hear it for a change.
For a while now I been on the fence about whether I wanted to keep fighting for my marriage. I think this incident showed me just how much I love this man. It should be criminal to love somebody so much. I thought I had detached so well. I was so far gone, it really didn't matter to me what he did anymore...I was doing my own thing. But after something like this...I don't know. I guess the thought of possibly losing him for real...FOR GOOD scares the hell outta me.
So today, I have not heard from him...recuperating I assume. But it is agony not being there or being able to take care of him. So many questiions going around in my head....Is she taking care of him right? Changing bandages and making sure his blood sugar stays in check...Watch out for fever, infection...stuff like that.
Ok so what do I do now??? Just called H to see how he's doing. He is still in the hospital and thinks he will be there for a few more days. This was supposed to be outpatient surgery...simple. But it didn't turn out that way. Now he has to stay in there. So I ask him if I can come see him. He tells me, "No I don't think so." That hurt...
So, I just say "I see. Well take care of yourself" and hang up the phone. I couldn't talk anymore and its just not the time to say what I really wanted to say at that point. Man did that hurt.
So now what the Hell do I do? I was fine until he came back into my life. I thought I finally had my emotions under control and was off this damn rollercoaster ride!
Well, H was in the hospital for what was supposed to be outpatient surgery. Didn't quite turn out that way. He ended up staying for a week. So after our little discussion on the phone about me not being able to come up there and see him, I just played it real cool.
I called him everyday just to see how he was and our interactions were very nice. He talked a lot about what was happening at the hospital and a few things about what's been going on in his life...nothing about OW of course...but about other things...work...family...stuff like that. It was real cool and I'm glad I didn't harp on the not visiting him thing. Held my tongue real good...THANKS DB!!!!
Well after calling him everyday for almost a week, on Friday I made a vow to myself that I would not call him anymore cuz I didn't want to wear out my welcome...know what I mean? So I didn't call him at all Friday. Well guess who called me??? Yup he sure did...at about 4:00pm. Since the beginning of all this it had been one of my goals to have H call me at least once a week. FINALLY...a year later...I got a call!!!! and it was Da' Bomb!!!!
I was still at work but we had a REALLY nice conversation. He seems to be loosening up around me even more. But this gonna snap yo' head back....so we talkin' right and he started talking about this dog that this guy is giving away. It's a pit bull and at one time we both wanted a dog like this but it never seemed the right time. Well H is going on and on about this dog and how he would really love to get the dog from the guy but bcuz he just moved into an apartment he can't have pets. I'm like...yeah that happens. So get this....H says, "Yeah I really wish I could get him. It would GIVE ME AN INCENTIVE TO COME HOME." (Screeeeech!!! Hold up...you mean all I had to do was buy a damn dog for you to come home???) Naw...I didn't say that but what I did say was, "What you mean an incentive to come home? Don't you go home?" He started backtracking and stumbling on about "Yeah I come home but...." I'm just listening like 'damn'...so things ain't all that rosey in Hootchie Land, huh?
But I didn't say anything about his comment other than that. Mainly cuz I reallly didn't know how to take it. I didn't want to assume he meant 'come home to me'. But that's how I'm taking it
Anyway, all in all, pretty good episode this time. Wonder what the next episode is going to bring???
Crazy ride isn't it? I'm really proud of you. I thought you did fine and backed off at just the right time. Well just keep your head up and keep DBing. Maintain your GAL and PMA. Especially since it appears your H doesn't know what he wants. You need to keep taking care you right now. It seems like he's coming around but remember its got to be for the right reasons. I wouldn't jump at any chance of reconciliation. But at least he is coming around and that's a huge step.
Been gone for a minute...just doing my thang...GAL and all that!
I don't post about everything, only when something happens that I really don't know how to handle. For the most part I think I've done pretty well, despite the "baby bomb". Don't quite know how to handle that one, so I'm just gonna see how that plays out.
Any-who-dun-it....coupla IN-ter-es-ting things happened since I been here. First, you know H and I were talking about this song that we both really liked. We enjoy the same type of music and not everybody appreciates House music like we do...Old Skool House anyway. A REAL House Head....it's in your BLOOD!!...in your SOUL!!...you live it and FEEL it!!! Anyway....
So I got the song on CD (very hard to find) and I sent him a TM with the song on it. No respose...typical...didn't think much of it...NBD. But maybe a week later I get a TM from H saying he accidently erased the song. Soooo....me being the 'sassy thang' I am...I sent him back "Blow me a kiss and I'll send it back". His response???.........."BLOWING!!;)" Well, that was really nice! I sent the song again....I mean how could I not???
So anyway...this past weekend we talked on the phone. Pleasant enough convo. Seems he has to move again (boo-hoo) and he got the dog he was talking about coupla weeks ago. Cool...
So he was complaining about moving and all the things thats wrong with his apt. so I said why don't you just move back home? He said "I can't right now." I was like, "Oh ok...so I'll just give you a deadline. You tell me the time and date when you'll be ready." It was funny....we both laughed and left it there. Talked a bit more...nice....said goodbyes. The end.
Later that eve, I get a text from H. Now this is a forwarded text...like the jokey kind of thing....
"Do me a favor please remind me to remind you that this reminder is to remind me to remind you that I LOVE YOU ;)"
Now how the HELL am I supposed to take that??!!! This is what is confusing me. It was a forwarded text, and I can see what number it originally came from, and NO I did NOT call the number! Wanted to but...didn't! But that means that 'somebody else' sent it to him before he forwarded to me. And, and, and, then....how many OTHER people did HE send it to????
I haven't responded to it cuz I don't know what to make of it. I'm kinda of the mindset that it was a friendship kind of text...a mass broadcasting type of thing, ya know?? I want to respond 'ILY2' but #1) I'm still in strong DB mode (how do you switch it off??) and #2) What if he didn't mean it that way? and #3) What if he DID mean it that way but felt SAFER doing it like that?
First time post; been reading everyone's stories to find similarities. Your posts have been helpful-and so full of life,in spite of the crap, that I've been following along. I applaud how you're playing this out!!
Re the I luv u text -- take it like a friendship, mass bradcast text and you can't go wrong. Now its up to him to clarify if he wanted you to take it more seriously. Let him wonder if you got his message right.
Don't move too fast - he's got to figure out what to do about the OW and baby that he has to raise with or without you. So many complications. He's got to prove he's worth it!
My story: Married 21 yrs. 2 kids to mr wonderful; he meets OW on business trip 5yrs ago. Says it wasn't even on his mind to cheat but does, continually for the next 3 yrs sees here almost every fri. night. He is 48, I'm 47, she's 30. I know -almost 20 yr difference, she could be his daughter. He looks younger than his years -- very fit, muscled,sexy. I can saybthe same about myself. We were seen as the perfect couple - keeping it together all these years. Traveling together, owning our own business together, etc. Maybe too much together?? He says no everything was fine ; but I did sense a little too much routine for his taste and allowed him the freedom to do his thing while I took the weight of dealing with kids, home, etc. Now this OW arrives and he falls big time!! Phone calls every day, 3x a day. He kept it real secret for 3 yrs., I didn't nag about late Friday nights to give him a night out with the boys ha. Finally figured something wasn't right, asked, was told about the OW. Was totally devastated, thought my world was ending. And to top it off he couldn't, wouldn't say a convincing apology!! Was cold with me, was detached during the crying, hysteria etc. Didn't say he wanted to leave but didn't plead to stay. Got Michelle's book and gave him pages to read about infedelity and how to put us back together. Was nonchalant. I left house for a week; made him leave for a week (he went to her); he begged to come back and give her up to work on the marriage. 8 months and many lies .later I catch him meeting her. I am devastated, again, I leave with kids for 2 months. Much sadness for both of us, he wants us back, we return and pledge to work it out. 3 months later I find out she has moved to another state. Should be time to rejoice, but I'm suspicious because he never mentioned it. I investigate, and sure enough sh'e been backnto see him. So here we are now. He just returned from a 2-day business trip where I find she flew out to meet him. On his return to our house he found his clothes thrown into garbage bags waiting for him in the garage.
I'm employing DB's last resort technique - no more niceness or contact unless about the kids (10,14). This is very hard as we have a business to run. The kids no we have a serious disagreement but they don't know what it is (he tells them he's going to take care of what's making mommy mad, I tell them daddy has been disrespectful and has to go until he changes his behavior). Sounds like there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I don't know. Why can't he let go of this OW? I know he loves me and the kids; can't believe he would really lose us for her. When we talk he tries to keep the convo going but I cut it off as quickly as possible, sound upbeat and busy evennwhen I'm crying inside. He always sounds sad, but has not asked to come back, like he's accepted his lot and is taking his punishment. His reactions continue to surprise me. I think he's in midlife crisis, he of course doesn't - young chik, failing business, unhappy about not being able to do crazy things - like ride across the county on a solitary bike ride --yes this is one of his desires. Damn when I write this it really sounds crazy with a capital C!! And I sound like an idiot who should really run for the hills -- but my heart says no, its important to keep our family together and I do love him.
How can we rebuild facing so many lies over so much time? He says he didn't realize it has been this long the affair has been going on!! How will I know when he is not lying anymore? I swear this behavior is new -the previous 17 years were a dream, he even admits this. Can someone have too much happiness?!
Hi Betrayed....nice to meet you. Sorry about your sitch but glad you found your way here. This site and the information Michele provides has been more than helpful for me. It has literally transformed my life and my attitude towards my H and myself. I think I have finally found the REAL ME through all of this! Keep reading and following the DB principles....they work for real! It may/may not help in your marriage but they will DEF-IN-ITE-LY work in your life!
As far as your sitch...that is a damn mess! H had an affair for 3 years!!!! WTH????? Sounds to me like MLC, just like a teenager...they will get away with something for as long as you let them. I'm by far no expert, but from what I've read and listening to the advice given on this board, the best thing for you to do is keep doing what you are doing already...keeping conversations short and to the point.
First, don't give H anything else to read re: MLC or Michele's books. That info is for your eyes only. For one, he is not going to really care about what some 'expert' on relationships has to say. As far as he is concerned he probably feels he doesn't need any help. So stop helping him...it's only hurting you.
Second, like they say around here....act 'as if'. This is REALLY HARD....trust! But it gets easier...it does. I acted 'as if' so much that now I can't even tell the difference between the acting happy and actually being happy. When they say act 'as if' I think it means in all aspects of your life. Think about it this way...IF your business partner were a stranger or a friend, how would act towards them...like a loving wife or a business partner? Probably as a business partner...act the same way with your H right now. He is a business partner and we're trying to run a business and be profitable....done.
IF you were happy in your life and H was your friend, how would you act towards him? Probably like you were glad to see him but not gushing and 'lovey dovey' around him. Just cordial....that's how I was around H for a long, LONG, too long time. I didn't call him....he didn't call me....for months at a time. I went on with the program. And when I did speak to him, I was cordial, happy, smiling, all that. Cried a lot after I would speak to him but when I was talking to him....you would never know that anything was wrong with me. I stayed mysterious, busy and full of life....as far as he knew. I went so far with it that one time when he called me early on a Sunday morning and asked if I was at home I was like, "Uhhh no, I'm not." H was like, "Oh...you at your Mom's?"...I only said, "No...I'm not" and left it right there. Let him figure it out...ponder for a minute. Even though I was only at my girlfriend's house.....but I wasn't gonna let him know that!
But I think the most important thing I did with my H was that I did not condemn him for what happened. I really did take a long, hard look at myself to see what part I played in the breakdown of my marriage. It's a hard thing to do to look in the mirror and acknowledge that I may have been wrong or not as caring or not as loving as I should have been. Not to say that absolves him for ANYTHING cuz it didn't have to happen that way. But I had to come to terms with myself and see that I am not perfect either and there was probably some things that I could have done differently too.
Most of all, take care of yourself and your children. You have to eat well, sleep well, exercise and do things that make you happy. Do the things that you like genuinely like to do....not something that you think will impress H. Because if it turns out that your H does not come back, you can (and will) still be happy bcuz you are truly enjoying your life. This happiness will trickle down to your children and they will see their mom being happy even if Dad is not around. Might help them not be so sad or upset about things. I'm not an expert but it makes sense to me.
Take care of yourself and read some of the success stories here on the board. I would read them sometimes just to reassure myself that it can work out for the better. It helped me tremendously!!
Ok soooo....weekend update time! H came over this weekend to give me money...always nice to get money! Then he WHIPS out his IPod says, "Hah! I want my song. Do you still have it?" I'm like, "Of course dude!" So I plug up the IPod and download the song and we just chit chat while thats happening....pretty cool.
So, H asks me if I made it to the Auto Show. I had asked him to go but he backed out with 'gotta move again' (yeah...I'm REAL sad about that one! Ha!) but...no biggie. I told him "No I didn't make it. I couldn't find anybody to go with me. Don't nobody want me!" H looks at me and says, "I find that real hard to believe." OK....deer in headlights....I'm stumped....don't know what to say. I just smile and chuckle...ya know...cute girlie chuckle.
Anyway, he went on to say that he would have went by himself and I said I would have too but money got funny so I didn't go. Ipod finished so I hand it back and show him where his song is. Had to download the whole CD cuz I don't know how to pick out individual songs. He was cool wit it....np.
So now, we talkin' right and I ask...
M: So you still not ready to come back yet, huh? (I know, I know....I hear ya lips smackin'...dead horse and all dat!) H: Naw, it would just be too uncomfortable M: What??? I make you uncomfortable? H: Naw...It's just cuz...(he got fuzzy right here). Plus (baby) would be coming with me. I'm takin' him wherever I go. M: Now you know she ain't gonna let you take that boy with you. H: Well she just gotta get ova it! Call 'them people' or whateva! I don't care! M: She gonna call 'them people' you know that. H: Whateva...they gonna get me cuz I'm takin' MY kid! Puleeze!!! And then how will it look when I walk in to your family holiday's or party with (baby). They gonna look at you like you crazy M: Since when did you care about what people think of you. H: Not me....you
***Here is where I get all philosophical 'n stuff on his arse****
M: Look, my family don't dictate my life. You can't help who you fall in love with. They can't dictate to me how I should act or who I should love. I don't care what they think...this MY LIFE.
***H looks me straight in the face****
H: You're srong for real. I don't know if I could be that strong.
Hmmmmm.....
H: Plus he still breastfeeding. Once she finish with that I'm gone anyway. I'm just waiting for that to be over.
Double Hmmmm.....
We talked a little about the dog he got and I told him that he should have brought him. I wanted to see the doggie....
H: Well, time to go....I borrowed her car and she be trippin' about this damn car. You know how it is when you have people car. M: Yup
Now at the door....H gives me a great big hug then pulls back to look at me. He halfway bends down like he was gonna kiss me then pulls back an instant later and looks away like he ashamed or something. I just look at him and smile....pat him on his chest and say, "See ya." Then he walks out.
LJ--um,um,um -- if that was close to verbatim, he's still hooked!! Howww can you be so cool!!!!!You know he has to be thinking about you all the way back to her. Sorry to say, but no way OW will let him split with new baby - he is trippin. Put yourself in her shoes - this is a problem. But like most men he will probably be content to visit regularly with the child as long as you all live close by. You sound as if you would be willing to deal with, or have dealt with, the child in his life and if you get back together, in your life. This is real hard as the child becomes a constant reminder of the affair -- but I do know people who have done it successfully. Your strategy seems to be working well and I appreciate the advice, and will put the joy and laughter back in my voice, even if it kills me. Your response almost brought me to tears - it was so kind; I thank you.
Saw today; business; he's annoyed and embarrassed to be sleeping on his mom's couch, mumbled about it being uncomfortable. This may be a prelude to discussing his return. Only on my terms tho. It's been 1 week. When I left with kids it was for 1 month before he asked me to return. I know I have to stick to my guns since this is the 2nd time; it's got to hurt/inconvenience/let him yearn for what he is missing out on etc. before I relinquish - right? And this time I will insist he(or we) start counseling before agreeing to a return. My heart and health cannot go through this again. Planning a busy weekend with kids, & minimal interaction with H - let him see us laughing out the door as we dash from activity to activity.
