Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Questioning the concept of MLC and "Standing"

Althea,

I always love reading your posts, you have such a lovely way with words.

I can only comment on my experience with MLC.

I watched a Man become the complete opposite of the Man he used to be.

A Man who once loved his family and his home life, became something that I actually have trouble describing.

I stood for only one reason...

I knew there was something wrong.

The changes happened so suddenly, right after his Dad died.

I knew that this was more then just someone deciding that they had had enough of Married life.

The DB-ing principles did help me especially in the begining.

The support on this site from others here had a huge impact on me.

For the first year I was one of those desperately depressed Women you speak of. It was terribly hard for me to be alone with the children, knowing my Husband was far away living in lala land.

He went through various stages, including anger, and depression.

As crazy as it may sound, he did say things that were off the wall, and he sounded very convincing.

Then a few days later he would deny the things he said.

He wrote disgusting emails and left me horrble voicemails.

He sounded ike someone who was possessed.

I had to learn how to live without him as part of my life, and I had to learn how to love him from a distance.

The most important thing I learned was to look at myself.

I had to make those changes for me.

I had to face my fears and deal with life in the best way I could.

Basically, I had to grow up.

I chose not to date anyone, because I really wasn't interested in getting involved in a relationship, especially since I was still Married.

I got closer to my kids.

I got reaquainted with God.

Althea, as you know my Husband is home now.

If you met him you would never ever beleive that this was the same Man.

I sent Lis a photo, and she asked me if this was my Husband, even though she had seen many photos during MLC.

Standing is a personal decision, I try not to shove it down anyone's throat.

Not every single WAS will come back. Many will try but it will be too late for them.

My therapist told me in the very begining of the MLC that one day the choice to take him back will be mine....

She just didn't tell me it would take several years.

BND -
I'm glad you posted, because it was exactly your sitch I was thinking about when I said there were some WASs I thought would NEVER come home!!!! I figure if YOURS could, any WAS might. The horrible emails he sent you - they were over-the-top.

Ellie

I have been Standing from the very first because it's what God revealed to me that He wanted me to do. No one talked me into it. No one can talk you into Standing but God. People will talk to you about it but only God can make you Stand.

There are times when I don't think Dbing is appropriate for my situation and when those times come I continue to ask God how to handle the situation. However, there are times when I'm not sure how I should handle a situation and I come here (or go to one of Michelle's books) looking for advice or suggestions. I will have to say though that 99% of the time I do what God tells me to do.

The "bomb" was dropped to me on a Sunday - on the way into the church on Friday I was stopped in my steps/tracks and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my marriage was going to be put through the test. However, I also knew that when the test was over my husband would be a Christian (he is not now and never has been). This journey is about his salvation. This journey is also about my obedience to what God has asked me to do.

I'm Standing for my marriage yes, but more importantly I'm Standing for my best-friend...to help him through this and to pray daily for his salvation.

snowmm

One of the things that everyone in the MLC forum is supposed to be able to draw on from the DB toolkit, is to also stand for yourself. I am sure your faith will guide you to do just that. It would not surprise anyone who has been around here a while to see your H find a new or renewed spiritual life. If this journey is one that your H has been called to pursue so he can find answers to life issues, what better prize could await him at the end than a faith like none he ever knew before. That is where he can find his answers and great peace, when he is ready.

Until he is ready, I hope you find much support here, and maybe a few of your own answers.

I apolgize - my mistake - I misunderstood.

Awesome, Althea. Thank you for bringing your grace and wisdom here.

IMP

Bravo Althea!

I not sure that the issue is is there such a thing as MLC or not. The red convertible and MLC lore has been around a long time. It seems to be part of the human experience as is the "change of life" for women. For some women it is no big deal, for others well..a mess. Perhaps midlife for some is no big deal, for others..a mess.

The hard questions seem to be is my spouse in a MLC, a WAS, or just a jerk as the NY times article suggested. That seems to be the problem. How to know.

For most of us LBSs the shock is so great at the beginning, we have no idea what's what. I know it has taken me a good year to get my head back to normal and now I have to get my life together, deal with divorce issues, and a H who is telling me a different story every other day. He has his own issues of guilt and doubt about his choices to deal with that are so profound he can't even talk about what he has done.

In the end I have no way of knowing if my H will ever be in my life again as a H. I have no way of knowing if he will stay with OW as I can't read the future. I do know it is worth giving a year or two to see what happens after a 30 year relationship. All said and done, at least I understand a lot more about me, life, love, relationships, and people in general. That's all good by me.

Without discussing anyones particular sitch , I want to only comment on whether MLC is real or not.

I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that MLC does exist. The challenge is that I do not consider it to be the root cause of why a person decides to make drastic changes in their lives but a causal factor that makes them evaluate who they should be and what they should be doing.

In a majority of cases, we have shared stories of our mates developing years that may have precipitated their strange behavior and actions. Many of our spouses have been either emotionally or physically abused. Many have been abandonded by one or both parents; sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. Although it falls under emotional abuse IMO, raising children without structure, love, moral and ethical boundaries, creates confusion and little or no stability to base future decisions by.

My point is that I believe MLC is very real but it is really more of the effect than the cause of what we are seeing. It was a turning point, of sorts, in a persons life where they evaluate the direction that they felt requires adjustment. All people go through ML or mid-life, where for some people it becomes a crisis or MLC, with various levels of intensity in between.

So some people may be "jerks" but where they before they went through a mid-life analysis? If they were, they decided to be that way regardless of the mid life issue. If they weren't, being a jerk once mid-life analysis has started may be a temporary effect of their evaluation of who they think they should be. Like any "illness", and I believe that some are truly ill with depression, bi-polar or some other DSM classificatin (the American Psychiatric Assn classification of mental disorders) being exhibited, it may be treated through therapy, pharmaceuticals or a combination of both. But like alcoholism, the person has to make that decision on their own for any chance to be successful.

In my situation and any other LBS, it is a personal decision whether we choose to wait out what our loved one decides to do in their life. During their "journey" we have to decide if we want to work on ourselves, to make improvements in our own character.

Exactly MMF...which to me mirrors exactly what Althea is saying. So often the emphasis is placed on the OP...or baby steps.

Our focus on baby steps should be on ourselves. I don't think Althea is saying give up on your marriage. I think she is saying workon ourself and focus less on what they are doing and more on what you are doing.

I too read people who came when I did and they are despondent and grasping for hope...they ae not at a point of peace with themselves, doing what they need to do for themselves...they are caught up in still trying to figure them out...their lives are still affected by someone else. When a person is with someone else for years and years and appears happy with them...they are no longer be the OP...they are the P!!! Pinning your hopes on them "waking up"and coming home aren't very realistic. If you are still in the same spot you were when they left, you aren't doing the work you need to do.