We are here, I know when you do something big. (my talk with my wife, Not as big as your sitch but was big to me). all of a sudden you feel so alone. youget all this help here and then ya do it and think."where did everybody go?" Can't respond much I am at work but like I said post when ya want and I will try to get back to ya also my e-mail is in my profile.. if ya want...
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I am doing horrible. I think my mission today was to make sure my H hates me by the time we wre separated to make it easier. I woke up this morning and logged into his facebook account to see an email from a friend asking why he hadn't come to the hockey game last night. Well he told me he went to it. Then after he left for work he had texted me, I asked him if he minded me looking at the telus bill. (i had earlier told him while we were "working" on our marriage that we could look at it together and calmly discuss anything that was on it.) He said go ahead. Well of course the phone calls to her were back this month. 38 of them. I guess I shouldn;t be suprised since the reason we are getting separated is because he told me he would not stop contacting her. What really burns me
PUPPY THIS IS FOR YOU Is that he would call her immediately before or after ML to me(and at this point claimed not to be contacting her at all). So I became "crazy neecy" again today. I feel like I am in a place of, I have nothing left to loose. I have contacted H a number of times at work - initially to basically ask him to talk me down. I have composed an email to OW that I have not yet sent but did read to H and he freaked. I have driven by where she works - but she is not there. I am mental.
Do you want to read the email? I dont think I will send it but I wanted to get it out.
"So congratulations. You win. I tried to play the game for my marriage but didnt realize that I had already lost before I started. I do not blame you entirely for what happened, it is quite obvious my husband played a big hand in it and really never made an effort towards our marriage at all. I do hope that amongst all your warm and fuzzies you occasionally think about the cost to other people. I know that you came from a bad place in your relationship so I have no pity for "your BF", but I did not deserve to lose my husband, and definitely did not deserve to be led on for months while the 2 of you got your act together. My beautiful little girl does not deserve to lose her father and her home. And "H," does not see it now but he will lose the most of all.
I sat and talked to you for close to 3 hours and I thought that you seemed like a really decent person. I cannot understand how you could knowingly destroy a family. Again, I believe that "H" may have pursued you through texting and phone calls but that does not mean that you needed to respond with open arms when you knew the cost to my daughter and myself. If you could have had a loving family for your daughter wouldnt you have thought that, that is what she deserved? Maybe you think that is what you are making for her now.
I hope that you can live up to everything that "H" has built you up to be. He is willing to lose not just his home, his wife and his daughter but his entire family and probably most of his friends. Those are some pretty big holes you will need to fill.
I think it is absolutely disgusting that you are renting a house from 2 of our best friends, members of our wedding party and people who I know would not tolerate what has been going on if they knew. Was there no where else for you to go or is this just all part of a sick game?
Believe me I can understand how you could have feelings for "H,"; I think he is pretty special too. I used to think he felt the same about me. Now Im just the person he has sex with every time he gets off the phone with you.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Wow, thats brutal. I feel your pain Neecy and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think that sometimes its ok to be "crazy", sometimes you just have to be. But then you pull yourself together and get back to doing what you need to do for you and your D. You have good insight to this A, you already realize that she will have some huge holes to fill and will not be able to do so. Don't focus on what you think you are lacking, focus on what YOU want and what YOU need. Being S is hard, but it will give you some of the space you need to decide what is best for you and it gives you a break from the day to day drama of the A. It not easy and its not what I chose, my H decided he was going to leave, but its also been a bigger help because I could focus on my kids and myself and start to sort out me. I wish I could say something that would make it better, but just know that there are lots of people here for you, that care and are pulling for you no matter what.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I know how you feel. You're very angry right now. H has continued to be deceitful. It hurts something terrible, I know, and it's only a matter of time before that hurt turns into anger. You're there - it's what you referred to as the mission.
Don't know if you've sent the e-mail already to OW or not, but I wanted you to know that I wouldn't blame you if you did. I have no doubt that others here would strongly advise against it, but personally, I believe sometimes you actually do have to stir things up. I think OPs need to know the tragic consequences of their destructive behaviors. Our S'es aren't listening, and the OP probably won't either, but all we can try to accomplish is planting the seed of doubt, remorse, regret into their minds. Hopefully, if OP has any bit of a conscience, they will wake up and realize how damaging the A has been. Even better if they make the right choice to end it. I know if I were ever the "OW" ( now there's a repulsive thought), I do not think I could live with myself knowing that I broke up a M, and God help me if there were children involved.
Originally Posted By: grumpyeby
Being S is hard, but it will give you some of the space you need to decide what is best for you and it gives you a break from the day to day drama of the A. It not easy and its not what I chose, my H decided he was going to leave, but its also been a bigger help because I could focus on my kids and myself and start to sort out me.
Grumpyeby's right. Separating is very difficult indeed, but for now, it just might be best for you and H. It might be the chance your M needs to survive, but that's only if you want it to. If you still want to save your M, then drop the rope. Let go of the A. Let go of H. You cannot control either one.
Detach, focus on your goals, and aim for a better, stronger, healthier you.
You can get through this, Neecy. I believe in you.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I stopped by today SOLELY to check on your sitch, and see how you were doing. I'm not sure what your question is for me, though?
Were it me, I wouldn't send the e-mail. I think it makes you "equals" and of course you'd have to lower yourself CONSIDERABLY to get on the same level as her! Like American presidents who send the Sec'y of State to meet with the foreign leader, I just don't think you should dignify OW with your direct contact. If you do, I would make it VERY short, confident, and something like:
"Good luck. Sometimes one should be careful what they wish for; not everything (or everyone) is as they seem. Things do happen for a reason, though."
1.) Other woman does not deserve to know that you even waste your time thinking about her. She is beneath you.
2.) If OW calls it off your H will forever blame you. He needs to return to you because he realized the OW is not what he wants, not because she won't have him.
Hugs to you neecy, I know this is a very difficult time.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
While I agree with NNP's first point, I do not agree with this.
Yes, it is very likely that contacting or starting any 'drama' with OW will cause more trouble between you and H. However, I do not believe for one bit that he "will forever blame you".
It might feel that way at first, but when and if he comes out of his 'fog', I seriously doubt he will continue to feel this way.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
now there's a repulsive thought), I do not think I could live with myself knowing that I broke up a M, and God help me if there were children involved.