Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Hanging On To What I Believe In - 2

WOW!! You are such an inspiration. You are the pin up girl for inner-strength, forgiveness and unconditional love! I am blown away! Your H is incredibly blessed to have you by his side as he goes through this crisis.

Dont forget to keep looking after yourself and doing nice things just for you! xx

BA....you are doing great. I can't believe it. Keep it up. Love the list.

Tree

Hi all!

I had a pretty good day off Friday. Didn't make the movie as S21 showed up and surprised me...but I had a good morning and went shopping. Got some size 6 jeans...(WOW) I haven't been that size since Jr. High School!

Rough weekend around here. I think it was more me being emotional than anything else. H and I did have a good talk a couple of times. He's still on the fence...surprise surprise....but he realizes what a history we have had together and even though "he has feelings for someone else" he does have feelings for me too. He says he's not going anywhere but still needs his time alone....which translates into he's still seeing MOW and talking to her on the phone in his room. He stood S21 and I up for lunch on Friday because he met MOW. That ticked me off, but I confronted him on it (I know not a good DB move) and he did admit it.

We took S21 out to dinner both Friday and Saturday night. Had a pleasant time. Went biking with H Saturday but I was zonked after 18.5 miles....fortunately S picked me up and H went another 8 without me. Church on Sunday and H went biking alone (he wanted to ride faster...he did another 14). He came home and I was lying down...he came upstairs and napped with me for an hour and a half. It was nice just to lay together. I broke down and cried...sobbed actually....and when he asked me what was wrong, I just let it all out....(I know...bad DBing). But he listened and said he was glad to know how I felt and it was okay to express myself...???? It didn't change anything, but he knows how I feel for a change and I guess I felt better releasing some of my anxiety on him. One thing H said to me last night hit me funny. He said that we're both kinda lost right now. Funny because I wouldn't be lost if it weren't for him and his behavior, but true because I need to figure out who I am just me, myself and I....so it was a weird moment to hear that.

Found out today that a very close friend died of cancer this morning. I was very upset, but worried about telling H...as this person was very close to him. He took the news very hard...this friend was only 52 and found out about the cancer 3 weeks ago. H decided we should go back home (IL) for the funeral. We're waiting on the arrangements so we can decide if we're going to fly or drive back...probably later in the week. I'm glad H wants to go home...we'll be able to see our parents and family back there and all of our old friends. Maybe this will jog H's memory of us together in the past? Maybe he'll realize how precious life is and how much time he is wasting.???

I hope and pray this tragedy will bring something positive into our lives together. I so want my old life back.

I'll be catching up on all your posts in the next few days...hope everyone is doing well....and thanks for your messages!

Hugs!!

BA

((((((((BA))))))))
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I hope things go well on your trip "home".

I think that it is important for you to figure out who you are. Because that's who is going to get you through this, all of it. Oh, you may be kinda lost, he's way past that!

I think it would be better if you let stuff with MOW lie, rather than confront him. You know, he knows you know, talking to him about it isn't changing anything. As far as I can see, the only reason to bring her up again is if you are planning on drawing a line in the sand, and I don't think you have any intention of doing that. Even talking about her give her too much space in your head. And, I think you have had enough R talks with your H for a while. Now you know he knows how you feel. Any more talk is pressure, and everything moves away from pressure. Especially MLCers.

(((((((BA)))))))

Thanks for the input Jeff....you are right...no more R talks.

We're heading to IL after work tonight. Driving straight through for the visitation and funeral. H took the news fairly well, was upset, but seemed to be handling the news alright. He didn't sleep all night and looks exhausted today. He's called me from work several times in tears and seems to really be taking the news hard today. All of this is very understandable since we were so close to this man....but I also think it's kind of a reality check for H. The trip home will do us both good. Seeing friends and family will be extremely helpful.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

BA

So sorry to hear about your friend ba.

Drive carefully and sending your prayers and (((hugs))).

ba- My condolences on the loss of your friend. I'm sad for you.

(((BA)))

So sorry to hear about your friend. I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. And mentally standing beside you.

Lisa xx

Hi all!

I haven't been online for the past few weeks, so I have a lot of catching up to do! I have had so much happen in the past few weeks I don't even know where to begin....I will probably just post a few bits and pieces.

Trip home to IL for the funeral went well. Car ride was long, but comfortable. Being home with family and friends was great. H and I both had a difficult time at the funeral but we were both glad to have gone. I think it really made H think about things...which was good. When we got back on that Saturday the kids were home for spring break and it was nice to have them both home for a week. H moved back into our bedroom on the 18th of March....he only stayed for 4 days before he moved back to the guest room....I was disappointed yet again, but it wasn't totally unexpected, as I have learned not to expect much anymore. Nothing major happened to cause him to move out....it was just how he "felt" again.

We've been biking alot, going to church, spending the evenings visiting or watching TV together. Going out for dinners occaisonally. H has quit spending so much money...which is another good thing. The phone calls with MOW have slowed, but still continue, as do the occaisonal lunches...??? I'm tired of trying to keep track.

Big fight Sunday of this past week....mostly about us and MOW. H threatened to move out.....but has since backed way off that threat. H is accepting the responsibility of what has happened and is still on the fence about whether he wants to be part of "us" or be alone. MOW, he claims, is not going to leave her H. So I guess I'm the third choice in the scenario....he'd be with MOW if he could....if not he'll be alone, or stay with me. Why I'm willing to accept being in this sitch I can't figure out...but for now, I'm standing firm for what I want. He still tells me he loves me everyday and kisses me goodbye, or good morning or good night....??? I guess I should be thankful for what I do have and not be worrying about what may come.

H is still talking about things in our future...like his upcoming grad ceremony in June....S21's graduation and family coming out in May.....looking for a new job and possibly moving...paying off debt and saving more for our future...??? I honestly think he really doesn't have a clue of what he really wants. He did say again, that he knows he can't make anyone else happy until he's happy with himself....so that is what I'm praying for most right now....that he finds happiness, wherever that is for him.

Looking from the outside in, I realize that we have had many baby steps in the past 3 weeks....it's just hard to see them when you're in the middle of it.

I will be spending time reviewing all of your threads.. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers...I've missed chatting with you all!

Hugs!

BA

(((((ba)))))
Wow, I almost lost this thread before I could write to you!

I'm sorry you feel like third choice! I think that when your real H comes back to his body that won't be the case. I just don't know when that happens.