Yeah, it is a twilight zone--I think Bomb referred to it as the "MLC Zone"...same weirdness. Sorry to hear you're in a rough place too...just got back from your thread. Breathe easy.
Okay, gotta do some action step for GAL--any action step, because sitting around at home thinking about action steps is NOT an action step. I feel completely all over the place today.
Okay, I followed through with my GAL plan for a short hike today. I was waffling on it but then I pushed myself to just do the damn thing BECAUSE it was different. It was a pleasant experience, though I felt fairly lonely. Coming home was tough and I feel a need to vent, so here goes:
I am frustrated and even mad/angry about this whole thing. I'm trying to imagine how she wants things to be different in the relationship, and though there are a few areas for sure which could stand some improvement, when I think of how our relationship was, I feel like it was so strong overall. I am aware that I'm not Ralph Fiennes or George Clooney or Brad Pitt. And yes, I am aware that I'm not in the top 5% of exciting daredevil, passionate, risk taking men on the planet. But when I think about the kind of person I am, my commitment, caring, support, and love, I get really ticked off!! I feel like, yes there are things to work on, but also after 8 years together of course there is going to be routine! Also, she works so much of the time that she was often a wreck when she'd come home and not have energy for doing things. I'm upset because I feel like her commitment was less than mine--or was it? I don't know.
I mean, yes, she's in MC and that is great. But I somehow get this impression that she's been running from herself and using so much distraction that it doesn't seem like there's been much movement. Well, I don't know, maybe it's just that it feels so slow to me because of where I am in this. But I don't know what is going to happen at the end of this 6 months separation (her apt. lease ends at the end of May). She's gone for a good part of March and beginning of April. Are we selling the house? Is she going to extend her lease (can she do that?) Is she going to move into another place? I honestly can't see her coming back at the end of May--even if things continue to develop in a positive direction, this seems like such a bloody snail's pace that I'll probably be 60 years old before anything happens! I don't want to bring any of this up either--simply because it's too overwhelming for me to even think about.
Well, I suppose the main part of my rant is: can't she see that I'm quite a nice pot of gold for a spouse?? It's so weird how I can feel that way about me but also feel like something's really wrong with me or lacking because she left. I'M FRUSTRATED!!
She's leaving this week sometime; she may have already left for her 1 week trip. No contact this weekend. Living solo isn't much fun right now. Okay, venting done...for now! : \
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I feel better today...it helped to just vent in the journalling and get a good sleep in. W. emailed me today saying she woke up in the night wondering how a work situation went for me. I wrote her back about it and a couple of minor things and then she called me (!!). This would be another phone call--one on Friday and then today at work. Again, a semi-legit reason to call, but it was somewhat less driven by a particular purpose and more like some of the "check in" kind of calls we regularly used to do with each other. This felt good, though it's still weird sometimes re: what to talk about and especially what to NOT talk about (ie. R)!!
Anyway, that's a good thing she called me and it went pretty well. She leaves on her trip on Wednesday, back Sunday, MC monday. I miss her, but hate how much she is loading on herself re: work. It's crazy how much she's working right now. If things ever work out between us, I can't see how that can be sustained in our relationship.
Anyway, I'm going to take this as a positive baby step!
I love when people write that they are having a good. we all need these once in a while. I had a few in a row last week. Good to hear it is happening to you Purr and we all know Minky has had a few in the last few weeks.
Keep your chins up, good things are going to happen.
Thanks, BT. Yeah Mink has a good situation, though he was experiencing some up and downs too. I'm pretty confident the overall scene is a good one for him.
Main thing for me is to not get too hopeful, as I know this rollercoaster is far from a smooth ride. I feel like I want to get all flirty with her, but I'm pretty sure it's too much too soon. Ah, patience...sigh!
Hi Purr, So the struggle continues. I'm right there with you.
One little thing to consider: maybe try not to put much emotional weight on her contacts with you.
"Recovered" MLCers will tell you that they felt enormous guilt and pain about the hurt they caused, and one of the ways they dealt with it would be to do these little random acts of kindness. By being nice to you now and then, they could tell themselves that despite the hurt they're causing, they're still a good person.
Like MWD says, keep doing what works, etc. But just try not to get your hopes up every time she initiates contact, otherwise, the rollercoaster ride intensifies.
By the way, I know it feels weird and scary doing stuff alone. I went to a bar the other night while W was at work. I wasn't trying to hook up or get loaded, I just had a craving for a Guinness and this particular bar has it on tap. So...what the heck?...I thought. It did feel funny, but after a pint, I relaxed. Just another guy in the bar watchin' the UConn game...
Anyway, I think you're doing great. Hang in there...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Yeah, it's pretty hard to know what any of these contacts do or don't mean. I'm feeling better overall about her going away on these trips. At least I've got a couple of small scale social things lined up for myself in the next week, so that feels good. It sure is a challenge to know about how exactly to pace things because you don't really know a lot about what is happening inside the MLCers head and heart. Everything is a distant inference based upon what you do and/or don't see behaviorally from them. You can look at broad patterns in the communication, but there are limits to how much you can infer from this too.
One question I have for the DB minds out there is this:
for MLCers who end up returning, do they usually realize at some point during or after their return that they were in some kind of MLC? I know they tend not to recognize it early on, but I'm curious as to what experiences people have had with this if they ever return?
Thats amazing,sounds like your W is thawing a little bit! Does sound like she is under alot of work pressure, and if she has been for a while, do you think this is part of the problem with her feelings of hopelessness about the R when she left? My BF has also been under alot of work stress since we moved here and I was just thikning how interesting it is, that whenever I see him he "downloads" about work for ages. He stayed an extra hour on Sunday and most of that he was talking about work. Obviously our WAS need to do this, and perhaps they need us there to listen to this stuff. But I was looking at him thinking, I am completely devastated you left me, you are fully aware of that, what makes you think I want to listen to all of this !?? But of course my overriding emotions are that I am happy to be there for him for me to share it with me, that I am grateful he even wants to share it with me and that we are at least conversing!
Its interesting what you said Bombadier about doing little acts of kindness...my BF surprised me by bringing his bike rack over for me on Sunday. Instinctively I knew it had nothing to do with him wanting to get back with me, but it was a very thoughtful gesture which surprised me. So, what you said makes sense.
Its depressing though isnt it, getting emails and the odd phonecall and act of kindness can lure you into thinking that they want you back...but until they actually SAY anything to the contrary, it is still over. This is the bit I struggle with, its like operating in a vacuum.
Glad to hear your W is reaching out Purr, and she is, you're not imagining it! Well done on getting out and about, I am still not doing so well on that front. I need to be a little braver!
