Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Moved out Sunday...very upset.

Hi again



if someone is absolutely determined to see you as "bad".. anything you do, can and will be taken that way.
that's when "going dark" is your only alternative.

Doesnt sound like you are at that point, though.



just re-read what you wrote (the long details post).

Seems like I missed a crucial piece of what you wrote.


It sounds to me like there is actually hope for your marriage.
It also sounds like a LOt of work for you.

This is why I think that:



So, basically, he is not currently attracted to you, and he has actually told you specifically why.

In a healthy marriage, this can actually be a good thing! If you communicate problems and issues, you can both work on them, right?
Trouble is, neither of you reacted in a healthy way.
He reacted to his feelings, by "looking elsewhere",and threatening divorce.
YOU reacted, by saying, "OK, Go ahead, let's do it!"



Here's what I'd like to suggest to you.
(Presuming you want to work on your marriage still.)

Move back in.
today.

Dont talk about your relationship, unless he brings it up. Keep things short and focused from your side if that happens, but listen to anything he has to say about it. Really listen, and think about it.

When/if divorce comes up, say that you made a mistake in pushing for it, and you dont really want a divorce.

Then, without particularly talking about it... "Get A Life", as they say around here.

Go out more. Make (female) friends. Start a hobby.
Enjoy Life!

Dont pursue him.

Just live in the same house... be nice to him when the occasion arises... but just look to "be yourself" more,and look to please yourself more. Let him just "be a roommate" for a while.


See what happens after two months.

My guess is, he may actually start to be interested in doing more things with you, if you stick to the above.
It sounds like, from what he said, that he feels responsible for "entertaining you, and keeping you happy". Changing your behaviour, will help him not feel responsible for that any more, and thus feel more positive towards you.
It's tough to feel positive towards someone who is "a responsability" to you, unless perhaps they are your children.

Nate:

not everyone who asks for a divorce is a "WAS". If you want to know who is, you should read the article on it
Short summary: Someone who decides to just "give up, and stop working on a marriage", for years. Then the fact that they havent worked on the marriage, makes the marriage break down even further, to the point where they finally feel justified in leaving. (It's basically passive-aggressive destruction of a marriage: "I didnt do anything wrong, so it's not my fault". The irony being, that the fact they 'didnt do anything', was a large component of what made the marriage get so bad)

Your question was a little ambiguously worded. I will make the assumption that you meant to ask about "the view that the WAS has about marriage in general", since that's what i wrote about.

I agree that in my opinion, there is nothing an LBS can do to "force" their spouse to change their views or definition of marriage.
They can at least offer their own view as a discussion point, though.


In the end, even threatening the other person with divorce, etc, cant really "change their viewpoint". It might change their behaviour.... for a while. But in my opinion, only discussing marriage, and somehow relating it to things that are meaningful to that specific person, can ever change their viewpoint on it.

So.... maybe it's kind of a mutual thing. One person has to offer, and the other person has to accept. If no-one at least makes an offer, then there is nothing to accept.

Jenny, I haven't seen it mentioned yet, but there is one thing you absolutely must stop doing this second.

Snooping.

It will get you nowhere and will do nothing but get you worked up over things over which you have little control. You will eventually confront him with something that turns out to be 100% innocent, and then you will have done damage.

Also, calling the high school friend was a bad move.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to stop doing these things.

Should I just keep quiet about selling the house, and moving things forward with the divorce? Should I just see what he does with this time now?

Do you see any benefit in me staying at my mom's for now, even just to get away from it for a while?

Hi Minkerman,

The snooping has stopped...it has obviously done more harm than good - though I am glad I made the call to see what her side of the story was. She would have absolutely no reason to protect him. But you are right - it can't and won't continue...

I guess now the hard part is giving up 'control' of the situation.

i think so.


What are you "getting away from", exactly?

is your husband abusing you? is he hurting you? is he in any way restricting you or limiting you?
Is he picking fights with you?

From what I read, sounded like kind of the opposite. sounded like you were the one who was picking verbal fights more.

Sounds like you are in control of the negativity level.
So... choose to control yourself, and go back?

whoah...it's weird to not be hearing cliche's anymore - just cold hard truth...

You are quite the hard ass!!! (appreciated though!!)

I simply needed a break from the surroundings for a while - and I told him that. When I left, there was no yelling - just calmness.

He only picks a fight when I mention moving things forward, even though I don't want it. Those are the times when he flips out.

The reason I started to push timg forward, is because it was looking like he was starting to take advantage of the situation. He was still in a nice house, the dog, the yard, the freedom, life is good for him, he just claims that I am the only problem. I have alwayd bent over backwards for him - to a fault. I for sure need to get a life without him. Which I have been doing since all of this happened.

I'm a bit of a homebody, and we are in a stage where all of our friends are having babys - so that means all of the girlfriends are home all of the time.

Funniest thing. After the real estate agent left our house, I was pretty quiet, and he says "you seem like something is bothering you" What the hell did he think I would be like...

All I said was "this whole situation is bothering me - I'm very sad about all of this."

It's like he is baiting, trying to make sure that I'm still affected by it all.

what makes you say that?

Is there something specific he was doing, to make you use the phrase, "STARTING to take advantage"...?

or is it rather that you yourself just started resenting him, for him seemingly happier about your marriage situation than you are?


Do you mean by that, "you dont have anyone to go out with"?

you dont have to "go out".. you might just go spend time with them. i'm sure they'd appreciate the company?



maybe he is. Maybe he's trying to see if you'll say "I dont want this: i want us to stay married".

PS;


Sometimes, people put in a WHOOLE lot of effort... into things that their spouse doesnt really care about. it's the whole "love languages" thing, if you like that book.

eg: if someone most wants to spend some quality time with you, and do fun things together... but you spend 8 hours a day cleaning the house (because YOU like a clean house), and then boast, "look how much effort I have spent on the house! "
...

you're not going to get a very positive respose, if the person doesnt give a damn about how the house looks. in fact, just the oppposite. because from their perspective, you have been "wasting" your energies on the house, and getting too tired to do things they really care about... like go out and have fun together.

All your "effort", in that situation, would actually make your marriage worse, not better.

know what i mean?