Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Wife- Broken Tree thread locked again

Guys,

Keep in mind that sometimes the MLCer will threaten divorce or separation when they feel pressure. They're trying to detach from you and they have this really powerful urge to get away so they can deal with their issues. If they feel as though they can't get the space they need, they'll threaten to leave. And if they still feel pressure, they'll follow through.

Like MWD says, give 'em their space. If they're threatening, back way the heck off. Go read some of the posts on pathpartners.com. You'll see women patting each other on the back for having the "strength" to leave. That's what you're dealing with. They're just looking for a reason...

Bomb

"I wonder if the lack of concrete action on the D relates to guilt, or perhaps the pain they are in, or both. It's easy to say one wants a D, but going through the process of initiating it, I suspect, requires an emotional strength that they just may not have right now."

I think this is it exactly. My R is getting no better. I think she was really bothered that I went out and GALed twice last week and am going to Colorado Thursday to have a blast. I can't wait.

It's really weird how she can change moods so fast. She can be on the bus stop with Sons and be having a great time, happ, chiiper with the neigbors but as soon as we get in the house, alone, she is plan old nasty again until the phone rings and she is off being happy again. Split personality. I was having feelings like I really love her but sometimes when I look at her I want to spit. The feelings these days are more like I want to spit. It is not fair the way she is treating me.

I am doing great at detaching, GALing and having a PMA. It is bugging the Sh** out of her. She is really moppie.

The feelings I have these days are more toward moving on.

Any thoughts?

BT,

I know it's hard to be empathetic with your W right now, but please try. If the resentment builds too much there may be no turning back. It's great that you're moving on, you have to. But believe it or not, she's really experiencing a lot of mental anguish right now, despite her behavior towards you.

Bomb

Tree,

The thoughts towards moving on are (IMO) a defense mechanism. After all, if they want out and treat us badly, why would we stay and torture ourselves? In my case I've done alot of soulsearching and know that I was/am concerned about looking clingy and stupid by hanging on. Not in a grasping way, but just by my refusal to be done with it. I've finally come to a place where I really don't care how it looks to anyone. I can take any feedback that my friends offer and evaluate it. I don't feel a need to defend my actions excpet to our D's. Even then, I am very cautious about what I say.

That you GALing and PMA is bugging her, well there really isn't anything you can do (or should want to) about that. What would be the cost to you if you did not persue those things? IMO way too much. It's here own pain that causes her reaction to you.

Take care. HUGS

Bomb,

Help me understand what you mean by this.

"If the resentment builds too much there may be no turning back."

Resentment on my side?

You are right, she is really hurting and noticing that i am moving on and detaching. She does not like this at all.

Good to hear from you man! How is everything going?

Stronger Tree

It's a tough call. By me staying she's not getting the "space" she needs, but by leaving we would be giving in and helping them destroy the family. I can't bear to do that to my kids or myself.

That just doesn't seem like an option to me, but things aren't getting any better this way. For me and the kids, my staying is best. For her it's not (it would seem).

In this case, I have to go with myself and the kids and stay. If it drives her away I can't help that.

BT,

Yes, watch out for resentment building in YOU. Resentment is just anger on low heat. Anger is destructive. Believe me, I have felt a lot of resentment, but I've worked hard to let it go, and have felt better for it. If you feel resentment, then you haven't detached because you are still letting her words and deeds affect you. When you've detached, you watch them with interest and empathy, but you don't take anything personally.

Example: your six year old gets mad at you and says he hates you. Do you take it personally, or do you take note of the context of the situation and respond with calm and care?

Let's carry the example one step farther. Your wife says she doesn't love you anymore. How do you respond. Do you see my point?

Tryingman, you are right, you don't want them to leave if you can help it. Because if they stay, they give you the opportunity to show them what a great person you are. This confuses them, which is a good thing. They will start to question themselves and what they're doing.

Bomb

BT,
Here's another way to put it:

Are you detached?...

...or just angry with her?

Bomb

I get that GAL = Get a life. What is PMA?

PMA= Positive Mental Attitude