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That is so crazy about the affair spouse getting so worked up that the betrayed spouse snoooped into the affair. I would say that the affair is a much worse betrayal than snooping. I guess from their perspective, they are in fantasy land and dont want you bringing reality into it by snooping and discovering it. You intruded into their own personal fantasy life.

If you are going to rebuild following an affair, I believe that the betrayed spouse needs open snoop access to many things so as to help rebuilt trust. The affair spouse needs to open up their life to the betrayed spouse during this time.

As far as the snooping from the betrayed perspective, it probably is ok in some situations to bring the A out into the open so it may have a quicker chance to fade, however, continually snooping is only going to cause hurt to the betrayed spouse as the A continues.

Thanks Stella. What you've said has really helped me.
I guess it is a positive that he's communicating these things to me at all (I wasn't seeing it that way). My H was never one to bring up ANYTHING in the R beforehand even when I initiated R talk. Since I have stopped doing that, he's the one that keeps bringing it up. Mind you he brings up the exact same things each time but like you pointed out Stella, "he is probably stuck with them circling in his mind until he is ready to move to the next stage." Your perspective about OW has also helped me to calm down - I always get so very worked up when I think about the A.

Addie,

I agree with Stella and I am glad you think it's a good way to look at it. Continue not discussing R and treating this as a done situation for you (meaning you are not the one that needs to do anything). Keep focusing on yourself and son. Time is on your side...

K

I agree wholeheartedly but just about every sitch I've read, the unfaithful Sp seems to have the same reaction when they find out BS has been snooping. Again, it is all very scripted and I guess this should make me feel better that H is following the script.
I now realize that there's no advantage to continue snooping - I was the one suffering by doing so.

Hi Addie...congrats on the 2nd thread.

I agree with everyone here. I think that the sheer fact that H sent and email is very positive. He appears to be opening up a bit more. It's always difficult to get pass past hurts. I think he needs assurance that you won't snoop anymore and even though he is with OW snooping is never justifiable...trust me I'm a pro snooper.

I think he's seeing the change in you and is afraid that he might like them.

Jen

Kerry is so right, it is crazy!! But, never-the-less that is how it is. B/c the A is private for the S and then they feel violated, caught, guilty, and mad. They want to take all their anger out on the S for snooping into their privacy. It doesn't make sense, but then they aren't normal in this state they are in. The snooping will drive them away from you and forward to the OP. I almost hated my H when I discovered he had snooped. For one thing, I saw a side of him that I had never seen before and I did not like him at all! Of course he had the right to react the way he did, but still I was outraged to say the least. Not normal, but that is the way it is. Some H's make their W's
show him everything after he discovers the A by snooping, but that makes her feel like a prisoner and a child with no will of her own, and I don't think it is always a good idea. Some women would rebel about that (me for one) and I'm sure most H's would not go along with it if they are the S that is in the A.

I know how tempting it would be for me to snoop if I suspected he was having an A, but, as I've said, from this side of the fense I can tell you.....don't do it. Remember, they are crazy!


Sandi

So... MLCers think their As are none of their Ss' business?

I think my brain just melted.

I think that came from Stella's post. It described me to a tee! I was afraid to let the OM loose b/c I might just need him after all was said and done. Like, if things didn't work out in the M then I would have OM waiting in the wing....or on the leash dragging him behind me (lol) all the while I was trying to figure out if I wanted to risk staying in my M and working it out with my H, considering our history, our kids, yada, yada.

Okay, back to the snooping. Remember the S that is having an A is not "normal" if they are in MLC (especially). You can't compare them with logical people! There is no logic to their thinking! They are not rational! Listen to me.....I felt like I had been raped when my H revealed to me what he knew through his snooping. Now how much plainer can I get than that? Sure I was the one that was on the internet with this OM. I was wrong...very wrong, for contacting OM. I was wrong for having an EA, flirting with OM, the whole nine yards, but I still felt violated by my H!!! I was in total disbelief that he would do such a thing to me! Yep, that's what I said. Now, you will probably see this as self-rightousness. I did not, nor does the MLC'er. They are in a fog and do not think nor feel with logic. That is what you must get through your heads or it will drive you nuts trying to figure out their behavior and thought pattern. There is none, so I will save you a lot of time.

To Andabelle......sweetie I am so sorry to tell you this, but that's right, the MLCer thinks it is none of the S's business. To the MLCer, it is private! Strickly between them and the OP. That is why they sneak around with it. You didn't think they were going to say, "Oh look honey, I am having an affair and I wanted you to see everything I've written to my lover and let me tell you all the details in case something was left out." It isn't going to happen. They can't or won't share that. I have not--nor will I share that information with my H, and I told him that I would not discuss my OM with him. Now mind you.....I am no longer in contact or having an EA with OM, but this is when my H had confronted me and I was going through the withdrawals from OM and we were talking our R talks. I still have not talked about OM with my H and I won't. If I ever do, it will be a long time from now, b/c I don't want to talk about him, and I don't want to think about him and drag up those feeling again. It is almost like by discussing it with your S, things will never be clean and good again. That's why you don't want to "share" (if you will) that part of what happened with the one your truly love. It's not that is was so beautiful or special or whatever...that you want to keep all the wonderful little feelings of what happen all to yourself! Far from it. I think it is more that you feel that by sharing it makes your M soiled in some way. The A has done enough damage, but to dig it out and hang it up for your S to inspect.....it's just too much for the MLC'er or the WAS to deal with. I think that is one reason they react so badly if you ask questions about the OP and the A....even after talking about your MR and getting back together and working the M out. Call it shame, embarrasement, guilt, or whatever you want to call it, but the truth is that your S will never, more than likely, ever truly want to share the details about his/her A with OP. Some S's insist upon knowing every little detail of an A. I think, from what I've read, that it is usually the W's that seem to need to know this information more than the H's. Usually the W's have blown it up in their imaginations to a much larger degree of importance than it really was in life.......by that I meant to say that the W will think, "Oh they had terrific sex, or she must have been more beautiful & sexy than me, etc." That is hardly ever the case at all. The A was the symptom or result of something wrong in the M to start with. Now some H's force their W's to have an open email account where he can read everything, or he'll take the webcam away, and he'll check the phone bills, text messages, all of that (men are so stupid at times.....like we couldn't figure out another way to do it! Sorry guys, but really!) Well, to be fair to the guys here that I love.....some of the females are just as bad, but it is usually the H that throughs his weight around to "force" the W to obey him! (ugh) But seriously, if your S really wants to contact the OP, they will open a secret email account or buy another cell phone....I mean, there are ways if they are determined enough.

Let's see, is there anything else I can shock you with? Oh, yeah, it is not that it's "wrong" to snoop. Maybe we have used the incorrect term in explaining what "not to do". It's not that it's wrong, but it's a "no-no". We should have said that it will not help matters, but in fact, it will turn everything much worse than what it already was. To say that it is "wrong" for the spouse to snoop on the unfaithful one, is like saying that it is okay for the A to not be any of the spouse's business! Is that clear as mud? Okay, so to the LBS of the one in MLC, there should be no secrets between a M couple, right? See, that's logic, that is rational. It doesn't work! Remember......no logic!!!

FYI, I would still be upset to know that my H was still checking up on me and snooping to see if I am being a good girl. I would still feel that my privacy was invaded. Do I have something to hide? Nope! However, I am that type of person. Just as some of you may keep a few dollars tucked back in a jar for a rainy day that you S doesn't know about...maybe you are saving for a birthday surprise (?) or you have journals and write private thoughts and wouldn't want anyone reading it.....that's kind of the way I am. In fact, I have started several journals in the past and would eventually end up burning them b/c I was afraid I would die and somebody would read my private thoughts. Now if you knew how boring my life was, you would laugh your head off. It was not b/c I had done anything to be ashamed of or committed some terrible sin (except for the EA, of course) or committe a crime, but it was just the fact it was MY thoughts......MY personal business! Does that make sense? Sometimes I don't make myself clear on these issues.

So by now Andabelle has completely fainted and needs to be revived. Sorry sweetie, but I believe I have told the truth the best I can. The truth bits, doesn't it? I think you can read from the posts of LBS that that was the way their S's were.

So, if I can bring anymore sunshine into your worlds, just drop in and chat with me. I am in Piecing my Marriage Back Together Again forum, and I'm Sandi....an almost WAW.

Sandi,
Thank you so much for your post. Your perspective is so enlightening since you have been on the other side. I have gained so much valuable insight through you. I have also read your posts on other threads that have helped me to understand. God bless you for being so caring.

In case anyone is checking in on me, I am going to be very busy the next several days and won't be posting. Thanks for your support!