Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Worried I found DB too late

Great job CW! If you feel that an R talk was needed then I see no point in avoiding it. It's obvious that the R talk didn't scare him off because he was more touchy feely and thats always nice.

Our solution journal locked up so I started another with the same title - part 2. I hope we can continue to share and support each other.

Jen

I think that I did push the talk a little too much, but I did learn from it and plan on getting even better at it. This was the first one where I didn't end up crying, sad and angered. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I was able to control it and move past it. I hope this is the beginning of us having talks that are controlled and let us move past this situation.

(((((cw68)))))
I think that you may have answered the question that your thread title poses! It doesn't sound like you were too late! Still lots of work to do, no guarantees, blah, blah, blah, but so much more positive than just a few weeks ago! Keep it up! I'm happy for you!

Thanks dry_heat. I guess you're right. I have to say that most of the progress is because of DBing. Part of it, I'm sure is him getting out and getting some space. But I could have pushed him farther away by being angry and uncooperative. Instead, I realize that by "making him see what it would be like" would just make me less attractive, make us together less attractive. I really do feel a zillion times better about myself and it's showing.

I think the best thing about DBing is that it makes you a better person, then this better person is more attractive to your spouse and even if things don't turn out the way we want them to, we're a better person with a better mind-set.

Another thing that has helped me is the following I found from Michele. I'm not near the quitting stage, but it really did frame it in a way that appealed to me. The first week I kept thinking, "Why do I want someone who doesn't want me? Do I want to be with someone so emotionless? Maybe I should just give up." Here it is:

"If your efforts to save your marriage haven't been paying off, it's logical that you eventually start to question your motives for wanting your marriage to survive. I might do the same thing if I were in your shoes. It helps you to feel some sense of control and makes the hurt lessen somewhat.

However, from my perspective, unless there is physical violence or chronic substance abuse which is intolerable, I would prefer you look at it differently. There are lots of great reasons to try to restore love in a relationship, especially when there are children involved. Even if your marriage was lacking before the threat of divorce, there are good reasons to try to bring love into the marriage. You have been doing the right and honorable thing. You husband hasn't. You have been wise, your husband hasn't been. Rather than give up your morals and values and question why a person would want to save a marriage, I suggest you tell yourself that you've been nobly fighting for something that is worth fighting for. However, for some people, when the fight is unbearable, they decide that it's time to quit. That is an individual decision. If you're at that place, you are entitled to feel that way. You need to follow your heart- not because working on your marriage isn't worth it, but because your husband is currently too self-centered to recognize the benefits of making marriage work. That happens. There wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate if it didn't happen.

So quit if you must, but know that you were doing the right thing. You just weren't married to someone who understood this."

OK, need help here. Just got this email from my husband:

"One last item from me, I’d like to do Tuesday of next week March 11th with the kids, instead of Wednesday March 12th, I most likely have to fly out the evening of the 12th to spend a day in Utah. Let me know if this won’t work for you.

Thanks"

Last Weds he had to head out of town for work, this Weds he has a work dinner that will keep him from his day with the kids and now this. This really bothers me. He says should we get divorced that he wants 40% custody, but with his work travel, he won't be able to fulfill that. He just expects me to bend because it's best for the kids. I think one thing that would be best for the kids would be for him to be able to fulfill their expectations and worry that they'll see his job as being more important to him then his kids.

It also really bothers me that he thinks I will just let him do his thing and feel he's taking advantage of me. I know he's keeping a journal of the amount of time he's with the kids and I think it's for divorce preparation should we get to that. I doubt he keeps his missed commitments in there.

grrrr

cw, you really sound like you are doing very well at DBing now. I like the way you and your H are making it easy for the kids to stay in the same house while each of you stay away in an apartment. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you, but you need to get yourself in a mode for a long run.

Tough one, cw. As long as you don't have to rearrange anything, I think I'd be flexible. But, seeing as you know he is keeping track of his time, I think it would behoove you to keeps track of the times you have to changed things to accomodate him. In the end, maybe it makes both of you look good, which isn't a terrible thing. It could be seen as responsible cooperation, which might help you in the long run.

I will be keeping a record now. Here's what I responded:

"This “works” for me, but part of me doesn’t like it. Three Weds in a row? I’m here for them, though you already know/expect that, so that’s not a problem for them or you. Sucks that your travel is now such an issue. I just hope they don’t see stuff like this as your job being more important than your nights with them."

I like that cw! The last line is pretty cool, you kind of poked him, but the way you did it was like you were trying to help him. It might wake him up a bit. I know that things are not going the way you;d like, but there is still plenty of time for them to slow down, and reverse. But, if they have to go this way, making things better for the kids has to be a good thing!

Boy I don't look forward to these arguments.