(((((Lisa))))) I don't really know what to say, and I haven't been through this, but....
The man physically beat you up. After threatening on multiple occasions before. I would say to keep the process moving. What do you gain by stalling? You don't love him. He is going to have to do a lot to even be worthy of talking to you, let alone being married to you. Keep extending you circle of friends, and your life. Then you will feel less alone. I know that it must be really hard to be a single mom with 5 kids, but that has to be better than being physically afraid of your h!
You are scared because it is the unknown! Anyone would be scared. It's ok!
I dont' blame you, D is prob the hardest thing one ever has to go through, it's uncharted territory, changing one's direction in life 180 degrees. Just sending some prayers your way, that you find the strenght to do what you have to do. I look at your sigby/history so much like mine (my hell also started back in 05, w/piecing in 06 and ow involved on and off through 07). Looking at it like that, on someone elses's sitch, DAMN!! that is a LOT, a heck of a LOT to go through!! you are not taking this desicion lightly!! you truly have put yourself out there for so long and beared terrible treatment by your H, that truly D will actually give you the peace of mind you haven't had since 06.
It saddens me of course to be going through this, but I don't think i've had this peace of mind since...well, years! I actually have peace and dont' live in limbo, wondering where my H is and if his moodiness means he's unhappy with me or depressed or thinking of ow or about leaving...BLEAH! what a horrible way to live! that is no life my friend.
You can do it))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Lisa, Did they take photos of you when your H attacked you? Do you have copies? If so please force yourself to look at them. Do you really want to stay with a man who did this to you? How do you know that if you allow him home it won't be your kids next time. Could you forgive yourself if that happened?
As for the guy you have a crush on please leave it at that for now. IF there is still interest when you have completed proceedings then maybe but not now you need your energy for you and your kids.
Take care (((((((((hugs)))))))))
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
It was so hard for me to go through with this also, even though I knew it was the best thing to do. My H was pretty much living with another woman, yet not filing, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Even so, as Cat said, it's uncharted territory, and it's always scary to do something we've never done before.
But doing scary things is also how we grow and get stronger.
Lisa, he has beat you down in more ways than physically, so that makes it even harder to get up on your feet and do this. I think you don't believe you can make it on your own - but you can. I feel stronger now than I did during almost my entire M; it's taken time to get here, but it's been so worth it.
You can do this, Lisa. Let's hear you ROAR!!
Lots of love, Nicola
PS Happy Easter!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I've never posted to you before but I happened onto your thread and I just want to say that I am so sorry that some immature man with no character or integrity decided to use physical force against you. He deserves to be where he is. This was not you Lisa and never even doubt that. It takes amazing courage to try and save your marriage...even MORE courage to stay when others tell you to bail. That's strength. That is faith. That is commitment. That is integrity. Never EVER think that you deserved that NOR that you caused it.
I also wanted to let you know that you are NOT ALONE in your decision to divorce. We all came here to save our marriages but that really takes two people with the same goal. One person, over the long run, cannot do it alone. Being here is important..you get support when you need it most. We help each other to get to a point where we can maximize our skills to save an ailing M. Sadly, as even Michele says in her books, not every marriage can be saved. Kubler-Ross wrote a book called Death: The Final Stage of Growth. Similarly, divorce is the final stage of a dying marriage. We support our family members...both in the final stages of life....and in divorce.
I know I don't have any DB relationship here with you...but...I hope it helps for you to know that I care about what happened to you and it broke my heart. Everyone tells me that with each day, 'it gets better'. I know the same will happen to you. One of my supporters, frank_d, once sent me a three word email and ya know something.....funny...it was probably one of the most uplisting pieces of advice I've received in the last two years;
Originally Posted By: frank_d
You'll be OK
Lisa....your going to make it. Stay strong. My thoughts are with you and you are NOT alone. You're going to be OK. God bless you. FIB (Frank)
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I have never posted to you. I saw your post to someone else and was a little taken aback when I read your summary of R with H.
There was no OW in my case but The X also "carpet bombed" me. He use to repeatedly move in and out during the course of two years. He used it as a control mechanism when he didn't get his way. He was emotionally abusive and escalated to physical. There is a twist in my case, The X use to look up battered women web sites and threw me off balance by accusing me of emotionally abusing him. The X struck me, called the police, claimed I struck him - I ended up overnight in a holding cell and HE went to a battered women's shelter to seek counseling.
There was a point where I actually believed that I was the abusive spouse. There was a point where I believed that everything was my fault. It creeps up on you gradually...the whole loss of self esteem, etc. I lost my sense of perspective.
The X finally left when he realized that he could no longer control me.
It took me a year after an X-free life to realize that I had been in an abusive R.
It took me longer to realize that I did not make The X act the way he did.
Abusive personalities are incapable of taking responsibility for their own behavior. Anything that goes wrong in their life is ALWAYS someone else's fault. And they rarely change - even with counseling. It is usually important for them to create an image or front of being the good guy - I am not sure if they really believe it themselves or actually even know that they are lying.
You are doing the right thing in taking steps to protect yourself and your children. You are NOT responsible for the way H has treated you. And no one is capable of MAKING someone strike them.
Still taking things one day at a time. Sometimes freaking out and sometimes it's like I just have it all together. It sure is a battle. Inside I know I did not fail but my kids want their dad and well it's just hard. Just posting to get somethings off my chest. Thanks
Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Just stressing here- I shouldn't care but I just found out about another woman with my STBX husband- yes another one- There is a restraining order in place but he is living with my best friend and her hubby- They are starting to see the true him,he is about to be kicked out on his behind- but anyway- he has been telling my friend how much he loves me and the kids etc... how he doesn't want a d and all that crap. Then he has been seeing this girl for like a week now. He just can't keep his self together- he has lost his job, his family, he is losing his friends, his mom,dad,sisters and brothers refuse to talk to him, he has no car and is almost 34 years old.
I know that I shouldn't think about it but it hurts. it sux so bad but well..I have no other choice but to live through it.
Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
I know you love him; he is the father of your children and you spent many years together. But you're right - your best choice is to let him be - at least for now, till he decides to get his act together (if he ever does). You have enough on your plate w/o worrying about him.
Do you pray for him? That might be a good way for you to feel like you're supporting him, but not be hurtful to you.
Lisa, you are such a lovely woman. The fact that you still care for B is proof of that, along with so many other things. Life will be good to you.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
