Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Update to my sitch, the end has come

FIB,

She does recognize a problem. There is a good deal of denial still but for her to admit to being an alcoholic and addict is pretty huge for her, esp to admit that to me. In my mind the psychological issues come first with her, the addictions are simply a way to medicate her feelings of worthlessness that she has always had, but I am no professional. Im OK, kids have never been better in a couple of months, we are all taking a sigh of relief that shes safe. She gets out in a couple of weeks, we are all hoping that she doesnt relapse.

Hey Mako just checkin' in with ya! Glad to see your in better spirits and the kids are doing better too. I have been praying for you all and will continue to do so.

That's a real positive step your W is taking in recognizing that there is a problem. And I agree with you about the psychological issues may be the underlying cause of your W addiction. From my (unprofessional) dealings with addicts, many of them have other issues that they are not strong enough or not willing to deal with...thus they tend to self-medicate to avoid those problems.

I pray that your W will get out of rehab and begin the long road to recovery with a new outlook. The best thing for her will be to address the psychological problems she may have. Hopefully they are being tended to while she is in rehab now. Once she gets out staying busy and keeping away from those things and places that may trigger relapse is really important. I know my H said that when he first got clean he had a lot of 'drug dreams' where he would dream about getting high or even just seeking the drugs. I guess the 'on the edge' dangerous lifestyle was just as exciting to him as actually using. He spent a lot of time combating these dreams in real life by talking openly about his addiction to a lot of the kids at the YMCA and different youth groups. He told his story to try to help them stay off drugs but in the meantime it was theraputic for him as well.

Stay strong my DB brotha...I'm always praying on your behalf!

LJ

LJ,

Thanks again for the prayers and thoughts. No doubt there are psychological issues beneath all this other stuff, again, she has been diagnosed with everything from BipolarII to histrionic personality disorder and has been on various antidepressents for many, many years. The latest med she was taking (prescribed) was Klonopin which is highly addictive and strongly enhances the effects of alcohol. Last time I talked to her she has not had any mdeications of any kind for 3 weeks now (thats a first that I can remember in 12 yrs), and I told her I notice that she doesnt have the depression in her voice anymore. She is starting to feel better and seeing life without any meds in her system. There is still a good deal of denial though, she knows I know more than I need to but she shys away from owning up to too much now, I know its painful for her and she is disgusted with herself (she said that) and I know that when she finally looks me in the eyes its gonna be tough because she has been lying for so long. What a mess.

mako-man....this will not be easy, but, as long as she shows interest in both helping herself AND the M...well..it comes down to patience, time.....The key challenge will be if she can maintain the course and do the work necessary for HERSELF. I'm sure you can now more clearly see that the issues are BEYOND your M. If she can do the work to heal herself, I believe, the M will follow. Repairing the M tho'..if she wants it...will probably occur as s process of her healing herself. Sadly, many people such as your W..my W...don't stay on the meds. I pray that she will and realize what a solid man she has.

In the interim..take care of yourself. I have two little ones...I read your 'schedule' as you posted...and I know how important our time is to them..but...find a moment to do something you like....treat yourself to an Armani Exchange shirt...or a bottle of Antidote cologne....or just a quiet fishing rod by the lake. FIB

FIB,

I'll take about 1 hour to have a couple of Rolling Rocks and fiddle around with my guitar! My dogs also miss the hell out of me, I have a female redbone coonhound who used to get a lot of my attention, she has some sad eyes nowadays.

Sounds like a plan. I have a small marine tank called a nano reef. During this whole debacle, I lost most of my corals, it got overrun with some disgusting algae and I lost 2 fish. I am in the process of reclaiming it. That means healing. MilkBones are a good thing.

FIB

She asked me to bring the kids out to see her in the facility on Sunday, 2 hour drive for us so I am going to make a day of it with the kids. Spoke to her last night, she is concerned about "having nothing" when she gets out, no money, job, mountain of debt. She will also be living with her sister. She also acknowledged that she still has a lot of sh*t to go through, the remaining custody battle, divorce, finding a new job, finding a place to live with no credit, etc. I have never asked her once to come back since she left 9 months ago, but I still cannot tell if she has that in her mind. She still sounds somewhat determined to try things on her own again, which to me sounds like the same old failed life she just left. Why would she not at least acknowledge to me that with a lot of work and dedication perhaps we COULD bring this family together again? Its not so much that shes playing hard to get, its like she is admitting that she has so sabotaged our marriage that I will never be able to trust her again (she has said that), and she may be right, i dont know. But, either way its going to be a hard road, I dont understand why she wouldnt focus on a road that brings the family back together for everyone's sake. I dont quite know how to react to her when I go on Sunday, besides the day when I checked her into rehab I havent really seen her in many months, this will be hard for me.

Perhaps the best thing is to just 'be there' and just listen. I know one thing....I would NOT discuss anything short of saying, if you really mean it, that you support her efforts to work on herself and getting well. Still..without begging, pleading, etc, you can still just tell her that you are available for her if she needs to talk. If you really mean that....you DO want her back someday...and can do it without huge expectations, why not just say that before leaving?

Play it be ear. Be supportive. Listen. Stay the rock.

FIB

even if she told you she wants the M back, would you believe her? she is in a sorry state right now, not ready to be what you need her to beor even to make a half @ss promise (trust me btdt) It's like trying to squeeze water out of a rock.


How do you know? she HAS to do things on her own! she doesn't need a babysitter, she needs to grow up, it sounds like you want to protect her, but remember, you can't save a man/woman from him/herself. If she falls flat on her face she falls flat on her face and she'll just have to learn to get up. Don't run yourself ragged trying to catch her, she doesnt' want you to. Rehab, with God's blessing, should be helping her.

Dont' expect much when you see her and if you are going to offer your support be short and concise.

Thanks guys. Took the kids out there yesterday, 3 hr trip, she was happy to see the kids. It was a beautiful day there (Florida) and for the first 3 hours we all sat at a picnic table and talked, kids played with her, etc. No tears, she genuinely appears free of the depressive feelings, at least outwardly. She read a few excerpts from her AA big book for me and the kids which mirrored some prior experiences in her life. Stuff I already knew, but for the kids it was an eye-opener. We then all sat in on a group session with the rest of the addicts and families on the campus. The counselor explained why our loved ones are addicted, and the addictive cycle:

1. PAIN- The addict feels pain and looks for a way to escape from it
2. Addictive agent - The addict discovers drug of choice (sex included)and discovers that the pain is temporarily masked
3. Negative Consequence - After using the addict experiences some negative consequence (jail, failed marriage, loss of job etc)
4. Shame, Guilt, Resentment - These negative consequences cause these reactions which in turn cause PAIN and the cycle continues.

I mean really, is this rocket science? Dont most people, including the addicts understand this cycle? My wife basically tells me that over the last 30 days this (along with the 12 steps) is basically what they go over DAILY. There has only been 2 one-on-one sessions for her to speak with a counselor and spill the beans on her mental disorders, her actions, her addictions, her failed marriage, loss of children, etc. I was having a conversation with another addict there and he said something interesting: "People dont come here to get better, they come here because they where volunTOLD", basically meaning these people were either court-ordered, in trouble, trying to ave a marriage, etc. They didnt just wake up and say, "I need to get better I am going to treatment". That made sense to me. Anyway, she did get a pass to leave the grounds and we all went to lunch, had a decent time. She has explained that her counselor did suggest that she go to a half-way house after she leaves (in 5 days), at lunch she asked me if I thought that was a good idea rather than her going to live with her sister. I simply explained that I think she would be best served around her sister and their family, but its up to her. Then she explained, "i just dont know where I am even going to live" and I blurted out, with the kids at the table, "come stay with us". Its was a knee-jerk statement, she said "I dont think thats a good idea" then she started to cry and I apologized and changed the subject. The kids where asking her "why?" but I asked them to drop it. It was a very awkward moment, she later called me last night after we left and asked me not to get upset with her, she is still confused and explained that she cannot make big decisions while in her present state, she also told me she loved me and was so thankful for me. Anyway, she did LOOK better, she was down to 95lbs when I got her into rehab, she has put on a good 15lbs and looks healthier. Just cant get over the feeling of so much tension between us, almost a palpable barrier that exists there, even when we hugged. Ah well, enough rambling, thanks again for all the advice.