Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? No children to draw him back.....no what???

Hey pinkribbon, glad you're feeling a bit better.

As for the LRT section - yes, you pretty much have it. The other component of that is that making those changes and becoming healthy/whole for yourself may well end up attracting him back. At that point, if you both want the R, you can begin working on it together (using all those other techniques). So keep that hope on a shelf up high somewhere, but don't obsess or focus on it.

I don't often question someone wanting to save their M but in your case I have to wonder - is this what you really want?? It almost seems to me that you "knew" before you married that this was not a healthy R but you kinda fell back into it anyway. He sounds very controlling and manipulative, at least from what you've posted here. (it's not as extreme but there's a poster, CrystalBlue, who was on Infidelity for a day or so... her H was extremely controlling, degrading, manipulative - turns out it sounds like also abusive, so we're all urging her to run and not look back). Sometimes there ARE circumstances where you're better off not saving the M. I'm not saying that's the case for you for sure, just something to consider.

Hi Pink...glad your in a better place right now. I have to agree with NikB though about H sounding controlling and manipulative towards you. I'm not trying to blast him or anything so please don't take it the wrong way...I'm just an outsider lookin' in.


From this comment I gather that H parents probably had the same type of R that you are dealing with right now. H's father may have had the same type of attitudes towards women and his mother just endures it in silence. Of course I know nothing of them and I'm NO professional, but this is the first thing that came to my mind.

Please take the time to take care of yourself right now. This is the most important thing I absorbed from reading DB/DR. When I got back to being the person I used to be (for me....for real), H took notice and started to open up a little more. And you know what...I feel better about myself bcuz now I realize that I can be happy WITH or WITHOUT my H....and that feels DAMN good!!!

Continue to do those things that make you happy...that you enjoy doing. You will become a stronger, happier person...trust. That is what we are all striving for and if our R with our S's improves....BONUS!!!!
LJ

Thanks for the honest input. And I do see him as being very manipulative. His father is the same way. Out of all the "spouses" and daughters in the family I am the only one who doesn't worship his father and let him order me around. I don't call him "POP". ugh....I know his father has something to do with this. His father is creepy in his control of the family. Weirds me out at times...he is too touchy feely with the girls. Him, his dad and his uncle are all the same. They have no "boundaries" with female family members.

Sometimes I also wonder if being with him was a good thing and right now I am not sure if it was. I just miss him so much though. He did have his good points but the hurt from him outweighed the good at times.

Maybe it just takes times to get over this and realize that he is not good for me. But then I stop and think about him and his girlfriend and everything feels horrible again without him. Why couldn't we just work on this and grow together instead of him just flat out refusing?? What man does that? Wife and step daughter one day and the next they don't exist and he never was married.

There is no problem with talking to him since he doesn't email, call or text me. I get nothing. I think the getting nothing hurts more than being dumped. I almost wish I had cheated on him because being faithful got me nowhere in this realtionship. I got dumped not matter what I did.

LRT isn't something you can fake.
You HAVE to be able to do what you say you going to be able to do.
If you are unable to walk away, then they will walk all over you and your greatest 'threat' is just a paper tiger.

That's just it I don't know what to do in LRT. I don't know what to do about anything. It has been 4 and a half months and I thinking about him 24 hours a day and cry everyday.

I HAVE to walk away. I don't want to but I have to. I was not given the option to stay and work on our marriage. I don't contact him and he doesn't contact me. We have talked 1 time each month and no more. He wants nothing to do with me. So it is not something I want to do.

I am able to walk away but doesn't mean I am not crying and hurting when I do it. And he won't walk all over me. To walk all over me would mean he would have to have contact.

I seriously do not feel like I am getting this together. I am getting worse daily and truly feel horrible each day.

Aww Pink I'm sorry that you're hurting so bad, I know it's hard.

My next question is.. what are you going to do to FIX this? Not your M, but YOU.. your mood, your life. You deserve to be happy and smiling and ENJOYING life. What can you do to help get there?

Arer you on any medication? Have you been to see your doctor?

Maybe you have depression from all this and could do with some help?

You say your H had some good points - how about telling us some of those so we can understand why you want to be with him still.

I think the changes you have mentioned making on this thread sound great. It seems like you are being much truer to yourself now.

Great ideas and points, Saffie

((pinkribbon)) thinking of you

Am I understanding this correctly... he hates breasts and hangs out with young Men?

Is it possible he's a closet bisexual? I'm just real curious about that breast hating thing. It's not normal at all for a healthy heterosexual Man to feel that way.

He also sounds a little selfish with all that "this is mine and that is yours" garbage. A marriage is suppose to be a partnership.

I'm with some others on here, are you sure you want this guy back?

Morning guys.

Yes you understand very correctly. He likes breasts but he likes them almost gone. A or B is perfect for him, you have to be young in your twenties, and small build with long straight hair, preferably brown. Ok I am 5'7", short blond hair, with a normal body of 135. I look nothing like these women. And I have a few of his "photos" when I moved out. Skanky girls.

And he would seriously make comments about them being too big and it was ugly to him. But what can you do?? Can't make them go away. And a few close friends have mention the closet thing but I think his obsession stems from something bad that happened to him when he was a young child. Not sure but it is just a theory.

The good things he did in the beginning were really nice. He would email me during work with silly stuff and jokes, we would often go to lunch together and walk around campus. He would do things like hold my hand, and cuddle with me on the couch. He would play video games with me and he paid attention if I ever said I liked something he remembered and often it would show up as a gift on a holiday. He would kiss me. My gosh how wild is that. He got to the point he would not kiss me. He would turn his cheek. At one point if was about 5 months before I got a relly good kiss.

But 2 years ago with the job change he started working with a new group of people. In his old job he was locked into a room with just 4 people and didn't get out much on campus. (He was IT help desk for the univ.) Slowly it became this group is going to lunch, this group is going to lunch and he had no time for me. He said it was "his time to socialize". Then this group or that group wants to go have beer after work and play some pool, then this one wants to go to a strip club or out clubbing. So add that into the couple times a week he was doing stuff for his other friends like "changing a light bulb". Honestly he would change lightbulbs and oil screen door for one of his friends. He always thought his friends were so stupid and he was so smart.

Which I did the bad thing. I became jealous of them. I was always the last person on his totem pole. His family was first, his friends second, his work third and then me. He actually told me a few times that I was not first because those things would always be there if I was ever gone. So I would engage him in activities with me and step daughter but you could tell he didn't want to be with us. He hated which in turn made me and daughter miserable.

And my daughter absolutely can't stand him. She is so glad we are not together anymore. She said if we were still together that when she was 16 she was going to live with her grandmother. That's how much she hated him. He was hardly ever nice and constantly picked picked picked. And I was a horrible mom because I actually let this happen to my child. I have a really good kid and I let him be mean. But I realized this is the way he was raised and the only example he had to go by so I letgo a bunch of times. But he wanted it his way and I tried many many times and told him parenting is not your way or my way...it is our way. We blend our views together and find what is best for the family and the child. I wanted a child with him and he said no way would he ever have kids with me because we couldn't agree on parenting. That hurt.

I thought I was doing a good thing when about a year and a half ago I laid it on the line and said these 3 things would make me very happy in our relationship. If you could work on these 3 it would do wonders for me and us.
1. Take me to lunch just twice a month. It is like a date. I enjoy the time alone with you, we dont't have to go anywhere just grab a sandwhich and walk around campus and feed the ducks.
2. Wear your wedding ring. It is very very important to me to know that you are proud of your marriage and me.
3. Tell me you love me once a day. I don't care if it is passing or at the end of an email. I need to hear you say you love me instead of some mumbled comment.

Ok he would not and could not do all 3 he said. Hence the breakdown even further in our marriage.

I am at a loss right now. I have no clue IF I should do anything or WHAT I should do. I am not perfect by no means but I still dont't deserve this. Maybe I did ask too much of him. Maybe I should not have laid what would make me happy out for him. I thought if he knew specifically then there would be no guessing on how to make me happy. I really screwed this up big time. I feel aweful and I miss him but he really wasn't that good of a man.