Tree, you shouldn't have asked her if she was mad at you...that just opened the door for her to unleash. It also is not confident behavior...she sees it as seeking her approval. Next time, just keep it happy, light and NO R TALK! Difficult, I know, but you can do it!
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I think you could not have "played" that situation with the ants any worse based on the information that I have. In fact, I would tell you that most of what I have read in this thread is going to cause more harm than good in your sitch. So I will prepare my best right hook for you as I had to do with Fish... some of what I am about to tell you is textbook DB other's are not. Remember that every sitch is unique and different and each person is just as different so....
1) You need to accept your situation --- really come to grips with the reality of where you are at. Your marriage is on the rocks and you are closer to D than to R. So comments like she needs to meet me half way, she needs to do this that and the other are not confirmation of your situation and they are just projection of your frusteration and failure to accept where you are. Everything in live starts with acceptance and works from there be it 12 steps programs or otherwise. So she is trying to find the same acceptance within herself and is conflicted by it which means some crazy behavior.
2) Once you really come to grips with the reality of your life you can begin. Affirmation is the key to changing the balance of your reality back to equitability. Affirm everything she tells you no matter what! The moon is blue - you're right I never noticed that before. You are solely responsible for the national debt, I know I should stop spending so much. The ants are your problem, I know....
Listen when she is speaking in those terms because she is sharing with you what is in her mind, sometimes indirectly. Of course you are not responsible for the ant problem, but you should be responsible for fixing it.
3) Do everything you can to address her concerns without telling her you are addressing her concerns. For example, when I was S my wife was blaming me for everything in the world. In one conversation she dropped in a comment about this door knob problem that we had at the house. The next day I fixed it without a word or an expectation of thanks. Now that we are piecing she has commented about that one action multiple times. Fixing is not always doing a chore or an act. Sometimes it is listening to her concerns about life and trying to understand them. Sometimes it requires a new attitude from you...sometimes you're not going to know but she will tell you if you listen.
4) Listen dummy! She is telling you everything you need to know verbally, physically, etc. I know they tell you not top believe what they say or do and there is some sort of % to follow. I am not an expert or coach nor am I a trained professional but I have been reading these posts like crazy and there is a commen theme in every posted R and in every posted confirmed D and that is hearing what you are being told. I don't know how to tell you this, but in my case my W was all overme for a million things and I could not figure out what the heck she was telling me. But then I stopped thinking I knew the answer and started to listen....
5) You know nothing!!!! This was tough for Fish at first. But don't assume anything. Don't assume that she wants this that or the other. Listen and she will tell you. Remember Fish's deal, she was screaming at him for space but not telling him directly. She he kept posting that "I think a woman would want a man that does x,y,z" Well what that get him - a bunch of nothing! Then he started to listen only after she went to Europe and he started to get it, but then he pushed and almost cost him. But it finally worked out. Now every sitch is different and sometimes you need to press and sometimes you need to back off only you can figure it out.
What we are all trying to do is not easy, in fact it may be the hardest thing that you can ever do. But if you are committed about your marriage you can do it. Just remember that you may not save your marriage, but you may save your soul!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Tree, you shouldn't have asked her if she was mad at you...that just opened the door for her to unleash.
i dont think there's anything wrong with that.
What matters, is how he handles the explosion.
Personally, i think he handled it very well.
as far as your "that's not confident behaviour" comment... you can be confident about yourself, but still notice, and care, if someone has some built up resentment at you about something.
"confident", and "not giving a damn", are not synonymous. Just as "detaching", and "not giving a damn" are not synonymous.
Last edited by Dom R; 03/05/0806:48 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Good to hear from you Dom...I was wondering where you were. I handled it well and had a happy PMA all last night. I just think she has had it and she is ready to make a move. She said it was very uncomfortable in the house and she was planning on moving ahead with her plan to S. So if she is ready what is holding her back? Guilt, Pain, not ready to do the work?
I am getting tired of this but willing to see it through and do the work if I think she will ever come back. I am doing well with DBing.
Going away tomorrow to Colorado for a week. Is this a good thing at this point. I am starting to feel guilty.
Tree, I think going out tonight and going to Colorado are both great ideas. It gets you out of the snake pit for a short time.
You did absolutely nothing wrong...you NEED a life away from the marriage.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
