Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Reclaiming myself and my life - 3

I agree...keep that post in PM'S or singularly. We know about it..it's old...and if you paste it all over the place, it comes off wrong or as a cure all.

Frank..you sound better to me. It takes time and give yourself a little slack....you 'took longer' to get here because you were on a detour of sorts. Time will help you and I know you have the patience of Job. The pain is what makes the outstart 'unfun'. It IS true that it gets better. You just have to pace yourself so you don't get emotional burnout.

Everyone, as always, is saying the same thing...de-invest from the emotional vacuum of saving something broken right now and RE-INVEST in yourself. The Bank of Frank_d has high interest rates and you won't go wrong putting your valuable time in there. Be the great guy you've been...remember what allowed you to be happy in the past....and get off the XXX train and check out the sights. Leave your W to her own agenda and, as Jeff once said to me, sit back and observe the workings of a lost woman and add it to your armamentarium of understanding the opposite sex.

Strength and honor.
FIB

Yes, I totally agree. Investing in myself is the best thing I can do because I have to be there for my daughters.

This morning when D12 came downstairs at 8 am W came to me and told me 'we need to talk to her this morning'.

D12 sat down, told us of her plans for going to hang out with her friends today and what rides she'd need.

Then W pauses for a minute and says "You probably have seen that mom and dad haven't been hanging around much lately. That's because we're separating our lives. In a few months we're going to have separate households and Dad will be here while I get my own place where 'we' can also live."

D12 was quiet and then just said "Uh huh."

She got up and walked away to go to her room. W called after her "Do you have any questions?" and D12 just said "No".

W and I sat there for a minute or two, I thought about saying something to her, something like "It's too bad for our kids that you can't be responsible for your family, your husband or your marriage".

But, I said nothing.

I got up and went to D12's room and she was reading a book. I sat on her bed with her and told her I was sorry, and that we'd be all right. She said she was ok. I gave her a hug and told her I love her.

W just went for a walk. No doubt to get strength to do what she knows she 'has to do'. It sucks to be her. Can't make her marriage work, has to leave her husband who will never 'love her deeply', has to find her 'path in life'. Never mind taking responsibility for her husband and family staying together.

But that's ok because her friends know how much SHE has suffered. Well now she's free.
I'm thinking about telling W to go sleep in the guest room from now on. Just don't want her around me.

"Do you have any questions?"

For real? That's the best she could come up with?

How about, "I'm sorry for screwing with your life."

How about, "I'm sorry that this has to be all about me."

How about, "I love you more than you can ever know and NONE of this mess between your Dad and me is about you in ANY way."


How about anything quite frankly that shows that the important part of that conversation was making it CLEAR to your young daughter that she is LOVED, VALUE, CHERISHED, and most importantly NOT RESPONSIBLE for any of the crap between the two of you??

Good God have mercy...


Lost. Utterly lost.


Frank, you go find your daughter again. YOU tell her those things, because THOSE are the things she NEEDS to hear, and right now. And later. And over and over again as long as this madness continues. It's not her fault, it's not D17's fault, you love them more than life itself and would do absolutely anything for them, forever and always.


You can't help a person who is lost and refuses to ask for directions. You can do NOTHING for your wife at this point. She has given in to helplessness and packaged it as empowerment. The delusion is now complete, and the only way to shatter it now is to apply her facade to the reality of life.

I'm pretty sure that you don't want yourself or your daughter to be too close by when the [censored] hits the fans.


YOU on the other hand sound pretty stable and that's a good thing. You sound at peace from an acceptance and reality standpoint, and that's good. You're seeing clearly and it sounds like you know what you have to do to continue working your way back to the solid Frank that we know you are.


Take care of those girls.


Blessings,

Bill

Couldn't have said it better myself Bill.

Frank, be strong. Hang in there. Be the rock for your daughters.

To her credit she did go talk to her after I did, and she talked to D17 who was annoyed that we keep bringing this up with her.

Ah, but you forget that she does have help. She has her 'spiritual friends' who will help her find herself through 'energy work' and 'Qui-Gong' and other self centered stuff. She has her 40 yr old girlfriend who has no concept of relationships or marriage or parenting yet has been her 'friend' through each break up we've had but never ever thought about what W could be doing WRONG, other that 'putting up with Frank'.

Yes. Hurting but stable. W also 'appears' to be fine with all this. Calm, matter of fact, detached.


Oh, you can count on that.

OMG, I just want to puke.

Your wife is a ditz.

Thank God your kids have you.

There is no more "to her credit", Frank.

Trying to ground that woman is like trying to rope the wind that's running through her ears.

ASTOUNDING!

Good post by Bworl.

I Just have no respect or pity , for mothers that can not be a worth while parent.

You and your daughters are in my prayers.

I hope you know that , your W takes a seat on the back burner. Your kids are the number one priority now.

unbelievable.

Well, W just came home, took D17 for a drive to the ocean.

Her tone to me was indifferent. Told me one of the women she knows invited the 'girls' over tonight so she was going out later.

Seems to be angry about something. Since I haven't seen her all day and I didn't say anything to her after talking to D12 I don't know why she has to be angry at me.

Maybe because after she paid all 'her' bills today she only has $100 left to pay for groceries?

Yes, she believes all our financial problems are my fault, but did she think that kicking me when I was down would suddenly motivate me to get all better and double my productivity?

All this crap hurts, and it's one more step towards divorce, her leaving, whatever.

I guess I have to remember what my counselor said: "How long do you want it to hurt?" It's up to me to choose when I've had enough.

Yeah, I really messed up Frank. I didn't realize I wasn't suppose to do that. Anyway, live and learn.

Sandi

P.S. I don't receive profits from any of it. Just discovered it and was trying to help.