Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy here comes the sun.,...It will be alright

It is a sticky situation... I guess as far as depression goes none of us here will be able to say with certainty that this is in fact what has happened with your wife, although you make a very compelling argument for it. Sadly you're correct that if she is suffering from depression, SHE will need to reach out and do something about it.

However, it is my belief that you know her so well that you have already pinpointed some areas where she could use some encouragement.

I've mentioned before how it seemed counter-intuitive to me to help my wife (after the A was through) while she refused to be "here" for me. In the end, this is exactly what I have done. I understand what she is going through (I think) and the last thing she needs is to feel that she can't rely on me for help.

I want my wife to see that she can still depend on me, that I still love her and that I will help her through her struggles in any way I can. I prefer, of course, that she asks for the help but this is MY WIFE, she is too pig-headed at times to do that.

My recommendation to you is that you think about the areas in your wife's life that could be nurturing this depression (if that is what it is) and try to 'guide' her to safer shores.

As far as her job, can you help her find, or at least keep an eye out for something she would be happy to do? Can you do it in a way which doesn't look like you're telling her "this is a good job, you should take it" but instead letting her know about an opportunity she may be interested in and, very important, WHY she would be interested in it?

As far as finances, another one of your wife's worries, can you help her to feel a little more comfortable and confident in your current financial status? I know things aren't going great (same here). Even if losing the house is unavoidable, it's probably best not to dwell on it.

I do NOT want to lose my house. I bought it from my father (he was the first owner), my youngest sister was born here and I, as well as my kids, have grown up here. However, it is a building that keeps our stuff from getting wet in the rain (LOL). In the end, as important as it is to me, my family is far more important.

You and I have been speaking for quite some time but I have to admit that I'm not sure how you handle financial discussions with your wife. Try not to dwell on the negatives. There's nothing wrong with a little "regardless of what happens financially, I know we will make it."

From reading about your wife, I think that at this point she needs to feel secure about a lot of things - her own self-worth, her relationships, her career and her finances. You can't make her feel this security but you can help her to recognize it.

H, I'm still going back and forth with my sitch and with the recent honesty I have gotten from my W, I'm actually at a loss. I know what she wants and needs and I know it will take more time for her to realize that she can get these things with/from me. I can't force her or fix her. All I can do is live my life while 'helping' her to remember why we got married in the first place. I no longer have any desire to remind her how reckless she behaved and how much damage she has caused. She has opened up to me and once she did, I realized that I had been living in a competition with her. We are slowly becoming partners again. I hope and pray that your wife recognizes ALL of the good in you and that the same can begin to happen for you.

Hello, Doc,

I understand what you've been going through regarding the depression -- only, I was the one who was depressed.

I understand what your W means about taking any drug to treat something -- when it came to AD's I felt the same way. But my W convinced me to talk to my physician, and he prescribed me a low dosage for AD. Reluctantly, I did so, but I realize this helped.

Does your W have a doctor she respects enough to talk to about this?

Second, even with the AD I never came fully out of the depression -- maybe you never really do, I don't know. But after the bomb, having hit rock bottom, I turned to God. I had gotten far off from the path He meant for me. Without His guidance and His love, I could not have made it. It wasn't until I got back on the right path with my Lord and Savior that I was able to finally turn the corner on this depression. Oh, it's still here, mind you. With the separation and the anguish brought on continually from my W, the depression is always my companion, a great millstone I have to carry. But with God's love I think I have the strength to carry it now. I have an optimism now, that as I work past this most tragic and heart-rending of ordeals in my life, whatever the actual outcome, this burden will lessen over time, and eventually I will be so much stronger that nothing will ever drag me down again.

Finally, I know that the spouse's depression can become contagious (sadly, the evidence is there in my W's MLC and EA/PA.) So don't forget to look after yourself too.

It is evident, H, that you have loads of patience and a good heart. If your W ever gets through this and awakes fully from the fog, she will recognize this. Michael's advice to find ways of encouraging her is very sound and well said.

Hang in there, brother.

Yes Yes Yes,

Mcc, I swear we are living in a parallel world. Too bad you and I can't meet somewhere and plan our strategies. I to feel the same way. I mean I used to wash her car all of the time and do house work, cook. But In "distancing" I stopped most of that. Kind of so she did not take me for granted. Not that I was looking for "thank-you's". But that is one of my love languages, "acts of Service". But now my wife that does not feel good about herself drives around in a dirty car, Clothes are hardly ever done, and dishes need washing. But it is a fine line I walk. Yes I can and will start taking care of her car again but I found out the other day when I asked if I could help with the clothes she said "I can do it". So I don't want to take anything away from her to make her feel more dependent on me.



YES Man I think you may be looking in my windows sometimes. This is also a fine line I walk. I want my wife to know she can depend on me but.... She does not like "feeling dependent". I have let her know I am here if she needs me.



Hard one here, Ok if you feel worthless, and someone treats you like a queen. Sometimes instead of picking you up you can actually be pushed away thinking. "They are too good to me, I am not worthy". I have seen this in the past with women I have dated. Their BF Treated them like $hit. They had developed such a low image of themselves that they actually began to feel that is the way they should be treated.



Agree with all of the above. Yes I don't want to lose the house. But like you said it is just a box to hold things. My family is the most important thing to me.



I have told her this repeatedly. just the other night I told her not to worry I told her the story about when My son and I went 4 wheeling last summer I kind of went somewhere that was not the best choice. (Jeep was totally stuck in a bad place). The only way out was the way we came in. when it was over my son said.
"You know dad... I was not worried, because now mater what happens we always seem to come out ok".



I am trying



I am waiting for this. I have gotten a little "honesty".



Agreed


Even though I slip once in a while I do think I have come to this point also



This is where we need to get.




Thanks MMC we are soo close to the same sitch. I hope you are a sign of what I have to look forward to. I will be coming into some very tricky waters soon with my nephew getting divorced. It will be very tempting to "take the easy way out". Thanks for your input. I don't feel so all alone anymore..

Dr Love

Hey Nocode,

thanks. I can't respond right now but will soon. (Mcc took all my time)

Dr Love

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you find it hard to focus on the positive side of things today, get some help from a friend or coworker who has an especially sunny outlook on life. This 'bright side' thinking is contagious, and if you hang around this person long enough, some of it is bound to rub off on you! Avoid being alone for too many hours in a row, today. You really need human interaction to keep you feeling good. You have some interesting new ideas, but they could dissolve away unless you share them.

husband,

Have you ever thought that your W may consider herself the 'adult' in your M when it comes to the finances and things. You are a really laid back guy, (that'a a compliment not an insult ), and I was just wondering if she interprets your laid backness as a lack of responsibility, (which I know it isn't) and so she just worries about it all by herself.

When you are in a place, where you can't see the wood for the trees, you can lose your sense of priorities. To your W, I expect the financial situation is a much bigger thing than it is to you - will she talk about that with you so you can help her diffuse her fears?

good point Saffie

H

Hey Saffie,

There must be a lot of hoarse lovers here at work. The Zipper on my pants broke this morning so I told everyone in my area.
“I just wanted to let ya know my "barn door" is not open just to give my hoarse fresh air. My zipper broke"

Well all morning these ladies keep finding excuses to come over to ask mw questions.

Dr Love

This probably is true. I know that my husband used to love my care-free attitude. Even wrote in an early anniversary card, "let's stay care-free together forever" but said a few months ago that it now bothers him. Said that we have more responsibilities now and he expected me to be more responsible as we grew up and was bothered that I didn't.

I now understand what he was talking about and have stepped up to the plate in terms of finances. It's required him to do some letting go and me to do some planning. Hopefully he appreciates it, but even if he doesn't I've grown in a positive way.

Thanks CW68,

Yes My W does take care of the bills. you have a really good point. Guess that's a good place to start a conversation tonight.

Dr Love