Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy here comes the sun.,...It will be alright

<raises hand>

Yep, me too, confused.

Yes



Yes



NO

I know these are inportant questions. But I am confused already.

I guess the most inportant one is :Do you want to know what's going on in her mind to get an idea of where she stands on the M?

This will answer the rest.

Dr Love

Good point - we're all confused or we wouldn't be here!

I'm glad you're clear on that last question especially - makes it tough to have the conversation if you're not sure on that point. I know a couple days ago you were ready to start planning a D... so knowing that's NOT what you want, even if it means limbo's over, is good.

Good luck!!

Hey there Husband, I've been absent for a couple of days (lurking mostly). It's been mentioned before but remember that this conversation you're going to have is quite possible going to appear to be coming out of the blue.

Your W's initial rection may be shock, anger, hurt whatever - just be sure you've got everything in check on your side so you can determine how best to proceed.

I don't know how long it's been since you and your W actually had any real relationship discussions.

I know in my W's case when we weren't discussing things, she seemed fine with life. Each time something came up, however, she would become distant, act very defensive and often she would become offensive (verbal attacks - nothing nasty but turning things around so that it was always my fault).

Maybe instead of 'giving' her the freedom to do what she wants, why not just sit and talk with her to find out where she is (outside of her concerns about a job and finances). If she comes back with saying that she hasn't thought about the M because of other issues calmly tell her that since April of last year, that's ALL you've been able to think about. Explain your understanding of the importance of a job and a release of the financial burden but likewise you would like her to understand what is on your mind and what has been weighing on you.

You know your wife (and I probably do too since we seem to have married the same woman sometimes) so you will know how best to handle this. Forget anything alien/foggy about her. Speak to her the way you spoke to her when she was the woman you married. It may not be the "right" time for her but this certainly seems to be the RIGHT time for YOU.

Best of luck my friend.

Shoot, one more thing. If you haven't been speaking to her the way you did when she was "the woman you married", maybe you want to practice doing that before having the discussion. I don't necessarily mean flirting and playing, speak to her as if you are NOT afraid to hear what her reaction might be.

You may already do this. For the longest time I was treating my wife with kid gloves, not being completely open about my perspective because I didn't want to push. One of the most freeing things for my W and I has been our ability to begin speaking to each other with love (she may disagree) and understanding. It all happened because I taught myself how to do it again and since Christmas I have been leading by example (almost as if I had to train her again as well).


Just some thoughts. Again, at this point I think you know best how to proceed.

Awesome advice Michael!!



I was thinking about this all afternoon and realized - you don't even necessarily have to know WHAT you want out of the convo. Sharing your confusion is good, too.

I need to take this advice myself.

Thinking about you, H! Hope the convo went/goes/is going well.

Thank you NikB!

I love the way this is worded... so very true.

Hey Mcc are you sure we are not married to the same woman? This is her to a T. everything is fine until any R thing comes up

Ok I was supposed to have the "talk" when she got back form her dentist appointment. But I was still in shock that my truck passed smog. I waited until about1/2 hour ago. My plan was to plan on a talk on Thursday. (Son will be away). What I did was I asked W if she could read my mind. I was planning on her saying no and then I was going to say well I can't read yours either. This is why we need to talk. I need to know where you are coming from and you need to know where I am at. Well it did not turn out that way.

Me: Wife can you read my mind?
W: I know you are not happy
Me: That is not what I asked you. Can you read my mind?
W: No
Me: I can’t read yours either. This is why we need to talk.
W: I don't know what to tell you. I don't have intimate feeling for you anymore. It happened along time ago. I have felt like I was prostituting myself.
Me; I'm sorry you feel that way. But I need to know what I have done to make you feel that way.
W: I don't know
Me: you know how you feel about someone is a choice.
W: no it is not I can't help it.
Me:I can tell that you are purposely not saying things. You are making a choice not to say things.
W: that is because I don't want to give you the wrong impression. Like everything is ok.
Me: this is how I feel. I feel used.
W: how do you feel used?
Me: I feel used because I don't know if you are planning on getting a job and then leaving. I feel used because I trusted you. Now I am never sure even when you say you are going to the store if that is where you are really going.
W: I don't think you will ever trust me again.
Me: I think I can. If you let me. If you are crystal clear with me. Do you know what hurt me the most? I feel you were used and I love you and I can't even defend you. (Here is where I slipped) I then said what gives you the right to say I can not contact the Om, but I can't tell you who you can talk to?
W: he is not the issue
Me: I know he is not. I have his phone number burned in my head. I could have contacted hem a long time ago but I have not. He is not the issue.
Me: do you think it is alright for married people to sleep with other people?
W: no
Me: how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
W: (silence)
Me: I have had plenty of opportunities both in the past and present. But I have never cheated on you.
Me: that is what hurt the most. I refrained from my need of sex just because we were married and I thought your lack of interest was because of your menopause.
W: maybe that is the reason. I don't know I just don't have intimate feelings for you.
W; (Crying now)...I am so screwed up. I have no respect for myself. I don't have a job, I need to get a job soon because we are using up our savings.
Me: I respect you. I think very highly of you. I love you so much. I don't just love you for sex. But I need someone to go to the ballgames with. I need someone to hold.
Would you be willing to go to a marriage communication Session with me?
W: you mean a marriage counselor? I have been to some already
Me: no not like the ones we had. Mine sucked and I don't know how yours was. You would never let me attend.
W: that is because she felt there would be no need for you to attend.
W: I am not only worried about the job. We have no money
Me: I figure we may lose the house anyway. I just want to get enough money out to pay back my mom. I have lost everything before (First marriage) that does not scare me. But what I want is if you want to try to work on our marriage I want to do all I can.
Me: (here is where I slipped again). You know what hurts me? It hurts because I know what bill Clinton went through when he tried to protect Hillary during the last debate. It hurts me that my feelings and these are my feelings I am not saying it is what happened they are just my feeling that He used you and degraded you and I can't do a thing about it. Because I gave me word to you that I would not. It hurts not to protect my family.

She did not say anything. She looked like she was just taking it all in.

I thanked her for talking with me I said this is a good start she did not say anything so I left.

Now I am sure I left things out. Were not yelling it was a conversation

Got to go to bed now. Work in the morning
Bye

DrLove

((((Manuel))))

She's right OM's not the issue - other than that I think everything was good! You stayed calm, you talked, you said what you needed to say. And she opened up to you - excellent.

I also think the part about the job is a VERY good sign. It wasn't "*I* need a job so *I* can be independent of you" - it was "*I" need a job because *we* need the money." That is SO great.

The intimate feelings will come in time, especially as you become more open/intimate in your conversations and actions.

((((Manuel))))

Great job!! I know that was so tough.

Husband - I don't think you slipped up anywhere. I have quite a few thoughts on this and want to make sure I word it just right. I will try to get back to this in the morning (okay, it's already morning over here, I'll try to get back to it after some sleep!)