Tree, you're in a tough spot. It just seems like she is putting in no effort what so ever and seems so hopeless. Exactly so. She is putting in no effort. So your decision - wait it out, or not?
I like your music analogy. That's so evocative.
Rather than leave the house, or stay and continue arguments... could you... stay and quit the arguments? If the arguments are what bothers the kids... maybe... stop them? Just cease. I know that is easy to say, hard to do, but it may be an option for you.
I think she should go find a very simple to take care of place so she can chase this dream. I see some wisdom in that. On the other hand, I politely suggested something like that to my W, and she reacted very negatively, as if I were trying to take the kids from her.
I think my W's "dream" is a little different from yours though. She wants me to vaporize, but she wants to keep all our income, and she wants to retain full custody of the kids. That's not a dream I can indulge.
anyway, Tree, this is hard. I don't know what to say to you. In times like these I found it was helpful for me to just be quiet. Be quiet and calm and wait a while. Then after a while, I would see the answer I was looking for.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
The big mystery: How long do you have to wait? Months, years, decades?
The music analogy kinda came from the first few pages of John Stienbach's the Pearl. The poor fisherman sits on his stupe of his hut and thinks about how lucky he is to have this rythym in his home & village as his baby wakes and the sun comes over the horizon. Then wife wakes along with the reast of the town. Wanta get away for a while read the Pearl or any Stienbach.
My W only wants to argue, nothing else. i try so hard not to. She has a thought process that goes like this. Whenever i say anything to her she replys with the nastest comments she possibly can to start a fight. I try to be so nice but she rebounds with another nasty comment. I long for a break from this. I am going to try all of your suggestions above.
No Arguing and be quite and calm.
This is so hard. Thanks for your thought, they comfort me.
SPM: I strongly believe that my W loves me very much and all her pain comes from this decision she has made to leave our marriage. She see's, not hears, the changes I have made. I am such a better man now it is unreal. I actually thanked her last week for blasting me out of the tunnel I was in, thanked her for blasting me out of the fog for i was sleepwalking thru life. I really love the new me and the new world that i see out there. This is a wonderful world that we live in and i was missing it. I really thanked her. She was blasted man!
You're killing me. A moment ago I wondered how you can NOT be a romantic with a post name like that. Now I see what a good thing it is that you aren't a hopeless romantic. If you were, you might be tempted to unsheath your sword and fall upon it so you could indeed disappear and make the dreams of your fair damzel come true.
BrokenTree,
SirPrizeMe gave you some pretty good advice. Find a way to avoid the fights with your W, if only for the sake of the children. the are watching and learning from the two of you and very soon some of the behaviors you and your wife are displaying will come back to you. One day you will no doubt hear one of your children use the EXACT same tone of voice and snippy remark you will immediately recognize as one you or your W has used. Children are natural born mimics. If it continues it will become a part of their personality.
Try to diffuse her attacks by agreeing with her and responding in a calm voice. Nothing diffuses an argument faster than to say, "You're right I was wrong." It will leave her dumbfounded.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
BT - Your thinking may be wrong. I believe that my W and I would not be getting back together if we did not separate. We needed that time to stop the fighting and anger. It gave us the space to truly understand what we wanted in life. I personally believe in your situation if you walk away, things may get better. You 2 should agree to NO contact for 3 months. Nothing. At the end of the 3 months go out to dinner and talk. The anger will be gone. At that point you can make a decision with a clear head.
The reason she is out all the time is because she wants space. Since you are still in the home, she must leave to get that space. So she hangs with friends and hits the bars to avoid being home.
You are not LETTING her do any of the work. If you move out, she will have the space that she will need to come back. You will not be there to take care of the kids so she will have to take care of them. AND SHE WILL!!!
You see, once you move out she no longer has to run away from you and your home. She can calm down and begin focusing on what really matters in life. As long as your remain in the home, she is going to continue to run away. Dude - it's going to get worse.
At first it's a few nights during the week, then it's weekends away, next it will be a week or more. She will leave and come back. This pattern can continue for years!! I know someone who has been in this situation for YEARS!!! The two of you are very much alike.
It's time for you to separate, it's your only chance.
Let it go. Give up control. Let her come back to you.
Like that stupid bullshi* saying..
If you love something, set it free. If it does not come back it was not meant to be.
I hate that kind of [censored] but it does make sense.
Look at my sitch... we separated, filed for divorce, drew up a divorce agreement and now we are getting back together. W just booked us a romantic get away in the Caribbean for 4 days. After our 4 days alone, my daughter and her nanny are meeting us for another 4 days at a family resort.
AMAZING!
WE needed to let go, WE needed space, WE needed time to realize what we wanted from our lives, WE learned that we are in love with each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.
You are trying to control this situation and it is NOT working. People tell you not to leave the house, but what do they know? Clearly what you are doing is NOT working.
Dude - you know I love ya and we are hear for ya, but you've got to make a move. Man up and do it for your kids. Do you want them to live like this for years??
I am going to ask her to leave when she gets home. Put her on the curb. I will frame it as a place for her wth both our names on the lease. This sucks!
BT - Heading out for the day with the kidlet. We are here for you. Good move getting the apartment in both your names. I like it.
This worked for Hound, Mink and I and it may work for you. I think it will!!!
She has not filed for divorce, she is just begging you for real space. Give it to her.
Heading out for the day with the kidlet. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.
Believe it or not and I know it is VERY hard to believe, but much clarity can be gained at the "Cigar Shop."
Last night I was there until 2:30AM. Downed a bottle of Pinot Noir, smoked 2 cigars and won $550 playing poker.
GAL BABY!!
By the way.. my W loves the fact that I hang out there. She said that it intrigues her and she finds it sexy. She said she likes wondering "What the hell does he do there?"
One requirement when I get home... clothes must be taken off in basement and I must shower before I get into bed. Could add a real spark to the sex life!
Dude - Your new life is about to begin. Are you ready?
Just wanted to say ditto to Fish's comments re: how the space can sometimes in a crazy way actually help the relationship. I hear your hurt and frustration, man. There's some wise minds on this board, so take whatever pieces of wisdom / advice fit for you in your sitch.
There's a lot of support here for ya! Hang in there, man.
She invited me to her home town to meet her girl friends. She said she was already thinking about who she would fix me up with. Boy am I no where near that stage. I can not even think of that but everyone wants to set me up.
That's what I meant when I said the SSW was always recruiting... I believe it's because they want to substantiate their feelings that they did the right thing by ending their marriage. It seems the less they did to safe their own situation, the harder they work to get others to join the club and "just move on".
I know that my W and her OM at one time contemplated ways of fixing me up with certain "single" women in their SSW, not that they specifically wanted me in their club. OM even once wondered about me and his X.... sick.
In some ways, your questions about what to do next, to leave, to move on, to accept... show that you are truly beginning to enter the "detachment zone", because you are not totally focused on what she should be doing. But you are still entering, not fully there. You have that stupid male ego need to DO something, to SEE ACTION. You wonder why she's not doing anything, you wonder what you should do. You want to move on, or not, or get her to do things, or wonder if you should take up offers to be fixed up, but are not ready. What do to next?
Just stop. Let everything happen around you, but take no action. Let it be what it is, and if you must do something, just be a good dad, and do wonderful things for you and your kids. Leave W alone and detach. You cannot do anything for or to her or make her progress. She must do that in her own time in her own way. You can only be supportive and avoid making the situation worse for her or you.
I have always wondered if actual physical separation would have made some aspects of my situation easier. My W and I have always lived in at least the same house, mostly the same room. Neither ever left, even with divorce atty's sending letters, and W spending more time with OM than me. I found it so hard at times to keep a PMA, to not be visibly upset or depressed, and often I backslid by simply not being able to be cheerfully accepting of all her bizarre alien crap. I have wondered if it would be easier if I had a place to go away to and cry, or mope, or scream, and then when I did see her to be always peacefully content and show her only my best.
I hear your pain, I hear your frustration. I just tried to read, to follow advice I got here, to post to this board, to do things for me and try to be an upbeat dad. I have muddled through, and we survived. you can do this, but you need to do what you need to do to be the best you can be.
