I know that there is always hope. I find that my defenses are kicking in b/c he's moving. The other thing that is happening with me is that I need to express this passion that I have. Passion for my family. I need to be vigilant here that it doesn't come out as rage.
It's easy to understand/excuse on our part if you let loose.
If you control it...let it out somewhere else...take the high road...your rewards are so much greater. Maybe immediate, maybe not. But definitely greater.
You can do it. You've done it before.
SOMETIMES it helps to breathe in so many counts, breathe out twice as many, hold your breath the same amount you breathed out...then breathe in again. (yoga) Sounds crazy, but it works.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Just an interesting aside. H and I have been very reserved with regards to expressing anger or any intense emotions. Even my DB coach has said that (she believes) my chances are slim (as in she does not believe he will be one to return) once he leaves. I am at a point now where expressing that passion is just fine with me. I do not believe I can damage anything.
As Jack said, I just need to be rational and not out of control. I think my being in such control is showing H that I am still clinging (and after all he doesn't want me to have false, or perhaps any, hope). I am not. I do not fear his leaving. I do not fear life without him. I do and will miss him though. He is an amazing man. It has been my honor to be his wife. I am sad for our D's.
All that being said, I will breathe before I speak, when I am angry. Then I will speak it anyway. I have been to full of sh!t for too long. He is not more worthy than I am.
Perhaps I shouldn't have put that out here (that he's unlikely to come home). Remember it's unlikely not impossible. In my case, he truly has some of the earmarks of avoidant personality disorder. This is more than just avoiding conflict. It gets into the way you see yourself and your selfworth.
Even given this, I still wear my ring. At the moment I don't know when or if I'll take it off. I've made my position clear with him (that I don't want this and I will not help with it). I went so far as to say b/c of the promise made before we had kids (that esp once we decided to have kids that we would turn over every rock and seek MC before going down the D road) and that I didn't think we had tried "everything". We definately understand each others position.
We told the girls. D13 was upset and cried. Said it was unfair and that she needed us both. D15, nothing. We tried to get them to talk in general and to get their input on how often and they wanted to sey H and where (here or at his place etc). Again, nothing. He made the comment(they were out of the room) that they would talk when they were ready. I agreed and said that would leave me to handle alot of it b/c he wouldn't be here. That I would fill him in as best I could and that I was angry that he was leaving me with this mess to clean up and deal with.
He would like to leave today (signs lease etc today), but needs some stuff on this computer for another week for work. I told him once he moves out, he's welcome to vistit the girls here, but not spend the night. So this puts a crimp in the next week for him. i said I didn't want him to leave anyway so another week was no big deal in my world.
I was encouraged to have him not visit the girls here, but I don't see that he'll come and pick them up (and either take them out locally or to his place) consistantly and often if that isn't on the table. Honestly, I don't care. I can always leave of find something else to do. I'm more concerned that he's activly involved.
This sucks. I'm still looking at my feet, my face is dirty and I'm not washing it (stuborn little cuss aren't I...).
"avoidant personality disorder" - new one on me. Sounds like wifey. She avoided working on stuff in the marriage, and now she is avoiding the consequences of her decision to file divorce papers. sheesh.
interesting - I was in therapy and working on the "Expression of anger" stuff. Based on counseling, I attempted to articulate my anger instead of demonstrate it.
I sat with W and told her how angry I was. She did not believe me. She said, "you're kidding, right?" I guess I had earned that. After years of being more demonstrative with my anger (raising my voice, but not slamming doors), she didn't believe me when I just talked it through.
Not really a big lesson, just sharing it.
G- on him leaving the house. I think it may be a good thing or a bad thing. You can still DB when he is out. In fact it may even help. I'm not just blowing smoke. The physical distance may allow some tension to ease. But you've got to be patient and not wait angrily for him, because if you are angry, he won't be able to come back. you'll want to leave the door open for him.
I know this is a hard time for you.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Sorry about everything, things kind of went like you expected it. Hope today is better for you too.
Big Hug, gsr1
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
"He is not more worthy than I am." You are more than right on there!
I would think letting it out now with words and not rage can only be a good thing, especially in the long run. How could he ever come back if he thinks you are still holding in anger. If he has seen you release some, that could be good. (but I'm far from and expert of any kind of professional so I could be off base here).
Hang tight and keep being the rock for your girls.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
