Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Reclaiming myself and my life - 3

no clue...no explanation

Really? Banned? Well...
da mn...

Big sticks round abouts here.

Good hearing the life in your voice Frank.

It is true...they banned him...and, from my thread, he has ALWAYS SUPPORTED SAVING ONE'S MARRIAGE AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE EVER TO FILE FOR D.

Dear Frank,

Your wife is in a bad place and I wish to repeat to you what Jeff said to me which really is very plain and basic. It behooves us to maintain a positive relationship with our wives so that we can work with them, because, we will forever be tied to them through our children. WHATEVER happens, in 5, 10 or 15 years from now, when your daughter(s) marry, you will be in the same sanctuary with her.

Of course, Frank, I pray that you will be sitting next to her as husband and wife. As the Retrouvaille priest said to me, one day, you pray that you will look back on this time as you look at your granchildren and feel strength that you made it thru.

BUT.............................

In the mean time, I agree with you that it takes more energy to be angry, disgruntled and down ..than it would to lift your heart. So, Frank, my only advice to you is...well...what I've said all the time:

Get to that place where you can take care of yourself and do things with/for/to your W because YOU WANT TO DO THEM and without expectation. Let go of the M..but.....get to that very hard plateau that is so hard to scale to reach for us. It's that peak where we can look down and do things for us AND OUR W's without expecting that it will have an impact on the M. We do it because we are GOOD men...we do it because, as you told me, that we still love them but forgive them. Expectations...like bullets in The Spectre of the Gun, will kill you. As I said to you, continue to be 'the rock', let your heart guide you but temper it with good DB judgment. You'll 'know that time' when it comes, but, as they said in Gladiator: "not yet......not yet...."

Frank, you'll be OK.

FIB

W just came home a little while ago. She came into my office to talk to me and told me she was angry that I was 'checking up on her' all the time and it made her feel uncomfortable. I told her that while I had looked at her cell phone logs because I wanted to know what was going on with her 'friend' because he was a married man and it was WRONG, I had stopped at least a week or two ago because it was hurting me and I decided it wasn't a good thing for me. I told her I don't see a need to 'check up' on her any more because I don't care.

I asked her why she decided to bring this up today and she said it had been bothering her for a while and she decided to talk about it now. She said she felt like she was being watched. She asked me if I had a GPS tracking device on her or a microphone hidden somewhere. I told her that was silly.

I said that I only cared because she was carrying on 'something' with a married guy and she said 'yes that was a big mistake and I stopped it.' She said 'I understand your boundaries and I'll respect them while I'm living in this house.' (no dating, affairs, etc...) She said 'I just want us to get along while we're living together and while we work on getting our stuff together (I guess she means our financials).

She said she was worried that 'my husband will turn into a psycho and kill me in my sleep some night'.

I asked her why she would think I would ever do that and she said she was "upset because of the other night with D17, and how I was 'almost' out of control".

I told her that I wasn't calm, but I wasn't out of control. She then said "Well you grabbed D17's arm and were 'pulling her around'" ????? She is crazy, I 'firmly' grabbed her arm but not hard, and told her to sit down but I did not 'pull her' or shove her or anything. She always exaggerates things like this as if I'm one step from going ballistic. She said "You see this stuff on the news all the time, the husband snaps and kills the whole family."

What?????

So, I stood up and I looked her in the eye and I calmly said "W, I could never, ever harm you physically, nor could I harm my daughters. I could harm someone ELSE who needed it but never, ever, could I harm you. It's not possible. I never HAVE hit, punched, shoved or otherwise done anything physical to you and I never WILL. That simply is not in me." I said "Even if I was drinking I couldn't do it, and you've seen me angry in that state."

She said that she would have to make sure she is careful the next time she is around me and I'm 'liquored up'. I looked at her and calmly said "Well I wouldn't worry about that because you'll never see me in that state again".

I looked right into her eyes when I said all these things. I was calm and she could see it in me. I didn't yell.

D17 walked into the room so the conversation was over. W seemed happier and said bye and left the room.

This came out of left field. After last nights positive interaction she comes at me with this?

Oh, W also told me she wanted to talk to D12 on Saturday morning and "let's be sure we don't mess it up like we did with D17 and lose our cool". Ah yes, a reminder that we're getting divorced. Keep the train moving forward...

Surprisingly I'm not that upset. A little but not devastated. For some bizarre reason I think this was a test to see if I'd lose my cool. Well, I didn't.

Do you think your W would have had a microphone on HER while that convo was going on Frank?

Maybe she wants to push your buttons and get a 'rant' reaction that she can record and use against you at a later date. Well done for dealing with it how you did.

Usually, these wild accusations come out of THEIR guilt.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's still carrying on with the married man. They start to project what THEY would do if they were in your shoes, if you knew the whole truth about their behavior.

Stick to the high road, stay detached. Show your kids that you are the strong dad they can rely on. Let go of your wife, look towards building a fabulous new life for yourself.

Note - this doesn't mean all hope for your marriage is dead - just that the best hope for it is for you to let go and work on yourself AS IF things are over.

Ellie

Saffie, her having a 'wire' is pretty unlikely. Like AmyC said, she is a bit of an 'airhead'.



You know, my first reaction was to believe her that it was "a big mistake and I stopped it." and that she "understands your boundaries and I'll respect them while I'm living in this house.' (no dating, affairs, etc...)"

But later I thought the same things you are thinking. I know that she still has something going on with her 'friend' because of evidence from the last time I checked. Maybe it's less 'flirty' but it is still a secret from his wife, and she has never 'explained' to me what it is. The only thing I think is true is that it has no future, and it's very likely she has backed off on the 'flirty' aspects but there's still something going on.

I could analyze for hours, but it would only mess up my head.

So, last night I thought about that, got a little angry for being so dumb as to buy into her crap, and then let it go.

I also had a thought as I was trying to go to sleep last night which was this: During all the things she went through 2 years ago I NEVER gave up on her. Never. Even the conversations where I told her to move out soon were not 'giving up' but were attempts to get her to get out of her ambivalence. I never gave up on her when she was falling apart, sitting on the floor in the bathroom crying that she wasn't ever going to be any good to anybody.

When she and I split up in 1998 I also never gave up on her.

I never gave up on her, ever. She even told me afterwards how grateful she was that I didn't give up on her.

Yet, she has given up on me more than once. This time is the worst because she promised she wouldn't, and I needed her the most. I wish I was lucky enough to be in the position of telling HER how glad I was that she didn't give up on ME right now, and that I was healing WITH her help like she did with mine.

Does it matter? No. It just clarifies to me how much our relationship has been off balance.

More and more I am internalizing this idea.

This morning I heard her whimpering / crying as she was sleeping. Then the alarm went off and she woke up. She didn't say what she was dreaming.

Today she is back to being 'distant' and 'indifferent'. It's almost like she has to balance out the 'neediness' from the other night.

Thank you Ellie.

I don't think I could live with someone that considered me an airhead. Does your W think that's how she is thought of?

Um, no. I was being rhetorical in my response. AmyC used those words in a previous response.

Here, let me put it another way: She is reactionary, not prone to planning things out but to react, then maybe she thinks about what she SHOULD do. She tends to ask others what she should do which is why I would tend to think she is getting 'coached' although lately she has been trying to be more independent.

She certainly wouldn't make any plan to 'record a conversation' with me. She has no lawyer, she has no money for one. And, I'm starting to think that she is looking at 'options' for a place to live but from her words the other day about working on our financial situation, and the fact that she has said nothing about moving, I think she doesn't want to leave yet.

We'll see what she does after we tell D12 on Saturday that we're getting divorced. At that point there is no more reason to sleep together or pretend any more. I won't tell her to move to the guest bedroom but I suspect she will choose to do that on her own.

Frank.
Real World Advice:
They always surpise you in the worst possible way, when you underestimate someone.

Personally, I'd rather have people underestimate me. For the above statement.