Thanks brother. Yes, it is very intriguing, and I will not fu*k it up.
She was surprised by something today. With my workouts, running and yoga, I am now able to get into a pair of Levi's 501s that I haven't been able to wear for about 5 years. She noticed and commented.
She is meeting with the girl she is renting the apartment from at 3pm, then they are going to a movie. She feels awful about spending another $1000 of 'our' money for the month of March, for what she thinks is selfishness on her part. She really beats herself up about this sometimes.
I asked her to stop thinking in those terms...WE are spending that money, not HER. It's for US and our marriage. Besides, it's cheaper than years of therapy.
She felt better after that, said "OK". That was the only R talk we had.
Uhhh, it's 61 F here today, all the flowers are up, and the buds are on the trees. The robins and sparrows are back, and it is most definitely spring on the west coast.
Man, when they tell you that it's a roller coaster and it will take time, they are not kidding. This is driving me @#$%^ bananas.
- 2 weeks ago she says "I'm coning home end of March" (lease runs out where she is staying). - 3 days ago, "this is moving too fast, we need time apart" according to her. - Yesterday, she calls me "I'm coming over" - nice visit and lunch. - This morning, her landlord says she can stay longer. She tells me she is considering it.
This is where I backslide a bit. I tell her, what more do you hope to gain? We have both agreed that we are communicating like never before, you have told me you are confident that my changes are real, you feel that we will be great as a couple in a brand new marriage, the attraction and respect is there...so what's this all about?
She doesn't know. She is scared.
"So am I", says I. "But I can't wait to stare down that fear and get busy with you and with us. I have never known you to back down from a challenge!"
I know, I know, I should have just said "sure, no problem". But I was mad.
She said part of the reason for coming home end of March was because the lease was running out. The extension gives her some breathing room.
I assured her that I would respect her need for space when she moves back. She said "good, I appreciate that. I don't want to be smothered". I also said, make no mistake, I am not begging you to come home, I am having a blast. But, given a choice, "I want you to get your ass home to your partner, where you are loved and respected".
Took a chance there, but she took it well.
I emailed her 20 min later "sorry for coming on strong, but I am being honest with you, and I know you can take it". She emailed me right back "not too strong. it's all good.".
I am going for an 8k run now, burn off this frustration. She wants me to call her after my run.
Just got off the phone with her. She has "no idea why she is hesitating". She says when we are together, it feels solid, feels right. She knows my changes are for real. When I have spent the night, she has felt wonderful. But she still wonders if she needs more time alone.
I am pissed. But there is nothing I can do.
She said she will do some thinking and try to get to the bottom of why she feels this way, I said I would appreciate that. She said "don't be depressed", I said I'm not, I'm just confused. You were coming home in a couple of weeks, now maybe you're not. I just need to get my head around that, I'll be fine.
I know this is a backslide, for both of us. Just have to claw our way back, I suppose.
Guess I was premature in the title of this thread.
