Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Steelers Fan - Husband Making Progress Part III

Thanks Holly this one really stood out for me. I have been doing this but saw it as actually confirming to him that he was not needed and therefore shouldn't have to worry that he did the wrong thing. I guess that probably means I should also agree to the D instead of resisting it. It is a 180 that I've often thought of but haven't quite been able to bring myself to do as yet. It just makes it all seem so final.

As for your other points I am trying my hardest. Supporting him emotionally is difficult b/c (a) We don't see him very often and (b) he doesn't want my support.


I can't think of anything else I would rather have. Unfortunately I think his image of ME is that I am a manipulating bit** who won't let go so he can marry OW. Not exactly the sort of thoughts that generally bring someone home.

[quote=ACJ]

Actually, do not help him with the D. He wants to tell everyone that you want the D too. Nope.
My goal was to be the nicest person you ever thought you wanted to divorce. I did not stand in the way, but H filed, and I did nothing to prevent the process, or slow it down. He did that all on his own.
He may be secretly grateful that the D is not going fast, to give him time. OW is pressuring M, and he really is not so sure he wants that.
He is complaining about the D taking too long, but actually, I think it suits him.
Watch how long he drags his feet.

Remember the watch his actions, not his words? Believe only 1/2 of his actions, and none of his words.

I have spent time listening to SF before and after the latest developments with her H.
I think she can vouch for the fact that you do not know what they are thinking. You think they must be staying in a situation that you believe is making him happy, and then you hear the truth.
They stay is these situations, talk about how great they are, and
really, they don't know why.

They are scared, and wounded and confused.

Please always believe that about those in MLC.

Treese,

TJ is one that will not admit making a mistake. He has not to this point. I think he will open up to me when he has more information that he can trust me. I have changed, and he needs to trust my changes.
He needs to measure how consistent the new Holly is. Then I will get more.

He is carrying on as if he decided to give M another chance, and got rid of OW, and is working on our relationship sssslllllloooooowwwwllllly.

But I get to see him every weekend, 4 in a row. We live 4 hours apart. So, his words do not match his actions again.

Become a forensic expert on your H. You have the advantage of history, you should be pretty good at it!
Do not discount any + step he takes, or even the lack of a - step, ok?

Hi steely!

Sorry about the hijacking, and again and again, and again,,,,,

I haven't been.


I have done that. The first letter I received from Hs L was last June we still have not finalised anything. That's my fault as I have been too busy to get things like my house valued etc. Do you think I should do a 180 here?



Yes in part he is dragging his feet but I think that is partly b/c he doesn't want to interact with me directly and so he does it all via his L which obviously costs him (and me) money.


I don't have any choice. His only words to me are 'yes I'm well thank you' (after I have asked him) and goodbye (when he leaves with the kids). Anything else is to complain or to try to initiate an arguement (which I try to dissipate). This interaction occurs approx once a month. I'm not allowed to TM him and he rarely replies to any emails I send him. His actions to me clearly say that he is definately done with our M.


I accept that.

I can really say that these men are not happy at all.

I always thought this was what H wanted, esp. in the beginning but then we thought, well, he should be happy when he comes over and he never was.

He has just started opening up to me in the last few weeks.

Now most people would day, "So if he is miserable and wants to be with his family at home, then why does he stay at OW's?" I always say that they have to be ready to make the move. They know that is what they want but they have to do it when they are ready not when we think they are ready.

I have found it amazing what an MLCer thinks. Like he told me this affair and her were not what he thought it would be, that he realized he never loved her and only loved me, said he believes our marriage would be better then before....

And you know what else--I hate to say it but he is drinking again. And he stays up very late. I think he stays up late on purpose so he does not have to sleep with her and he feels so bad about everything that he is drowning in his sorrows.

So yeah, he has admitted how horrible this was/is, what damage he has created, and where his true feelings lie.

I find it all very comforting. I know God will guide him back home and I think once he comes home, he will stay because he is re-establishing his personal relationship with God and we've discussed that along with what the Bible says about such matters.

SF

I am so pleased your H is opening up to you. I'm sure some of what he says must hurt but you are clearly being the rock that he needs you to be in order to get through this. I wish you every success. you deserve it.

No, ACJ, none of what he has said has hurt me.

See, I always knew that this was a spiritual battle from the beginning and I knew this was not him.

Nothing he has said so far has hurt at all. He has been very complimentary, never said there was anything better about OW at all. Never compared me to her either.

I am okay.

Wow you are so lucky.

Yes, I do believe I am quite fortunate and thanking God.