Was your H acting the same way when the D was called off last year?
No, he wasn't. He was saying a lot of things I wanted to hear, but he wasn't doing the things I wanted to see. H was all talk and no show. I didn't know it at the time, but I believe it was because he was dating someone then.
He hasn't started to move in yet, but he's coming around and calling much more frequently. He's more affectionate and flirty with me, too, and everything is "we" or "us".
I know it's only been about a week, but after 3 years, this is the first time I have ever truly felt hopeful.
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Is he willing to go to MC? I think you are voicing your concerns to him but he isn't hearing them, maybe a MC could help with this disconnect.
Unfortunately, he isn't willing. I've brought it up many times before, but he flat out refuses. Says he doesn't believe in it. That's too bad because I really believe he and I could benefit greatly from MC.
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I usually wouldn't say you should pressure him to move back in but the problem is that your H runs when the going gets tough. At the first sign of conflict he leaves....maybe if he didn't have anywhere to run it would help. Right now he can just go to "his place", and doesn't really have to put anyone out.
Yes, exactly! That is why I have had to finally put my foot down this time, and I think H knows that I really mean business now. He knows this is it.
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From your last few posts on your other thread it seems he really wants to work on it. Give him a chance, but you have to stick to your guns if he doesn't follow through.
I know. If that happens, it will be a huge disappointment, but not only am I hoping, I'm also feeling that may not happen this time.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I am glad he is showing signs of wanting to reconcile rather than just saying it. Hopefully he will move back soon. Has he said what his hangup is about moving in?
I wouldn't push the MC. If he was willing to go then it would be good...but if he isn't then I would say no pressure.
No, he really hasn't, but we just talked over the phone about 20 minutes ago. He was going over his schedule which is very busy this week and talking about things he'd also like to get done when he's not working, like moving his things back in. He said, "Well I already paid (friend) for this month's rent, but......well I guess it doesn't matter." He seemed less than enthusiastic about the idea of moving out. Maybe it's an issue with having already spent the money; maybe he feels like getting his money's worth (my H has always been extremely 'frugal' although he has mellowed out quite considerably in the last year). Or perhaps it's fear of change.
Right, I agree with you on MC. I've tried talking to him about it in the past, but it never did any good. I have no intentions of bringing it up again.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Your sitch sort of reminds me of my own. My husband did a lot of "running away" in the marriage. He even filed for D a year before but put it on hold. Make sure your husband understands that you and the marriage are what they are and he has to accept it the way it is... both the positives and the negatives. Life can't always be rosy (not that you will not try, but life is full of ups and downs and people basically are who they are....). Also, remind him that the commitment is not just for your, but for the kids as well. He really cannot keep doing this to them. He has to make a commitment and stick to it. It's that simple.
The authors are Bettie Youngs Bilicki and Goetz. You can read more about it on Amazon.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thank you so much, root. I'm going to Borders before I go to work this evening - they sent me an e-coupon for my b-day ! I'll see if they've got it there, otherwise I'll order it online.
H and I have actually had this discussion in which we both acknowledged the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect R. It will take effort as well as empathy on both sides to see this through.
He also wants what is best for the boys, as do I. Not only does he want to be there for me and work towards making things right between us, he also wants to be here for the kids. He misses them terribly and remembers what it was like for him growing up without his dad. He doesn't want them to endure that type of pain any longer.
I agree with you - it really is that simple. Once they come out of their fog.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Everything seems to be going quite well actually. H slept over again last night, and partly because I had to give him a "polite" kick in the a$$!
He called me while I was at work yesterday evening. The day before, H told me he was going to be working a double shift, so he wouldn't get off from work til 9pm, meaning he'd be here at the house by 10:15 or so after stopping at his place first. I said that's ok.
Well when he called yesterday, he asked if I was sure that I wanted him to come over. He thought 10:15 or so would be kind of late. I said if he moved back into the house, he would be coming and going at different hours anyway, so what was the difference? He said, "I know, but it's kind of an inconvenience, you know? I don't have a toothbrush, clothes, or anything else like that over there (our house)." I replied very friendly, "Well, it's not really all that hard to just stop and grab those things." H said, "Yeah, you're right.....Alright, I'll see you tonight then."
I don't know. More waffling?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
That's great GF. I think if he was waffling he would have gotten out of staying there last night. You did great with his excuses. Rather than getting upset, you offered solutions...good job!
Would he be willing to slowly move back? He could just leave some clothes and a toothbrush to start. That way he wouldn't always have to go by his place. Does he have a lease? You may have to wait him out until the end of the month...if he pays rent for April...then it will be time to have a talk.
You did great with his excuses. Rather than getting upset, you offered solutions...good job!
Thanks! I was kind of wondering if that was somehow controlling. I'm trying not to act that way.
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Would he be willing to slowly move back? He could just leave some clothes and a toothbrush to start. That way he wouldn't always have to go by his place.
I think we're getting there. He actually left his toothbrush, deodorant, etc here this morning, whereas he didn't the day before.
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Does he have a lease? You may have to wait him out until the end of the month...if he pays rent for April...then it will be time to have a talk.
No, he doesn't have a lease. He's just been renting a room for the last 3 years from a long time friend.
I, too, wonder why it seems he's taking all this time to move back in. He surely could do it slowly - just get his clothes and absolute necessities over here first and worry about the bigger items later.
He does know, however, that I am not going to be very happy if he's not back in the house within the next week or so. I believe I've made that perfectly clear to him.
The only thing I dread is it not happening within my timeframe and having to have that talk. How much more "lenient" with my boundaries can I be? Not much, I think.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I don't know. More waffling?