Frank is not exploring other women..nor exploring possiblities. He is looking for cues...cues of normalcy. Frank is trying to revisit the man he was when he was strong and happy and with where he was in life...what he is doing...he is trying to reanalyze 'where he once was'. So..he is doing that with with old friends. He wants to know why he was happy then...and not now...CUES. Sometimes, talking with 'normal' people outside of your M can help you to see things that you can't when you are totally invested in this difficult time.
Oddly (hope I am not censored)...you come to a point where you really start to analayze whether you are in a healthy M or not...or clutching to hold onto 'the status quo' out of fear and desire for stability.
Frank is simply looking at the poker hand he is holding. It's not easy to decide on whether to ante up, call or fold. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
All I can say is that it sounds like you've got yourself a bit of clarity as to how you feel about things. That's a good thing, by the way.
Doesn't make it suck any less.
Personally think you're pretty spot on with your wife and how she has bailed when times were not right, or when you were not carrying the load properly.
I'm glad you had the chance to remember what a real supportive family felt like. I think you do have that with your girls. Hope you'll make SURE that you have that with your girls.
She'll either have a reality moment or she won't Frank. Seems like that's always the case with these sad stories. BND didn't do anything special with her husband except leave him alone to chase his "dreams." ImLin let her husband run off, basically bankrupt himself, and drink his self into oblivion. Theirs came back. The guys were done I guess, and their spouses were still around. It CAN work out.
Maybe your wife will find out what life without Frank is really like.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
..and that's what we've all been saying frank. No one is saying flle, D, treat her like crap, etc.
Maybe it's just time to let her go and just focus on you. Refocus energy on YOUR life....and just be happy again. Letting them find their way on their own sometimes leads them back. Wizard of Oz stuff with not looking for anything past your backyard.
Take a time out. Just be. You'll be OK.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Frank is not exploring other women..nor exploring possiblities. He is looking for cues...cues of normalcy. Frank is trying to revisit the man he was when he was strong and happy and with where he was in life...what he is doing...he is trying to reanalyze 'where he once was'. So..he is doing that with with old friends. He wants to know why he was happy then...and not now...CUES. Sometimes, talking with 'normal' people outside of your M can help you to see things that you can't when you are totally invested in this difficult time.
This is a pretty concise explanation. I'm not looking to 'go back' to anything. I want to know what I have been missing so I know how to go about reclaiming it.
Quote:
Oddly you come to a point where you really start to analyze whether you are in a healthy M or not...or clutching to hold onto 'the status quo' out of fear and desire for stability.
Yes. And I'm not in a healthy marriage. Two unhealthy people together. One who keeps running away.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
Personally think you're pretty spot on with your wife and how she has bailed when times were not right, or when you were not carrying the load properly.
She'll either have a reality moment or she won't Frank. Seems like that's always the case with these sad stories. BND didn't do anything special with her husband except leave him alone to chase his "dreams." ImLin let her husband run off, basically bankrupt himself, and drink his self into oblivion. Theirs came back. The guys were done I guess, and their spouses were still around. It CAN work out.
Maybe your wife will find out what life without Frank is really like.
At some point she will find out if she continues her 'plan'. By now she is feeling what it's like to not get any support from me any more, and to only talk to me for brief periods. She has withdrawn for the most part and we don't interact much. So I can only conclude she doesn't care any more.
Quote:
I'm glad you had the chance to remember what a real supportive family felt like. I think you do have that with your girls. Hope you'll make SURE that you have that with your girls.
I will, but they are children and what I've been missing is 'adult' support. I get some from my friends I call now, and I'll eventually make local friends I can hang out with.
I hesitate to post this, but it's part of the story of my old friend 'J'.
She's been married for about 15 years. Has a son who is 14.
While she told me on the phone that life was pretty good, her sister told me a completely different story when I called her mom to talk.
When she married her husband she was overweight about 75 pounds or so. One would think that since he DID marry her that he loved her in the body she was in at the time.
Apparently he became abusive over the years, telling her that he didn't find her attractive - and get this - that he found her repulsive. I guess eventually she got a gastric bypass and lost a lot of weight. According to her sister that wasn't good enough - now the 'loose skin' is the problem and he doesn't have sex with her because she is not attractive to him.
Contrary to what J told me, he doesn't work much and isn't around much of the time.
J has the successful career, is a manager of a group of 10 mechanics in a metal manufacturing plant and is highly respected in her business. She started as a Journeyman and learned to weld, and fix machines just like any other man on the crew. She said that they give her a lot of respect because they all know that she has done their jobs before and is as good as any of them.
She reminded me that when we were dating it was me who told her that she could do anything she wanted to do, all she had to do was chase her dreams.
Her sister says she is the one who supports the family and H ignores her or treats her badly. Apparently she left him a few years ago but because her son was so upset when he was separated from his father she went back to him. I guess she also lives under the threat of being 'taken for everything' by her H. I'm not sure what the laws in NY are like but I can't see how he could get anything other than half the assets.
H doesn't go with her to visit her family, and didn't bother to go see her dad before he died. Her sister also said that his family doesn't really like J. I asked if he was having affairs since I can't imagine a man not 'needing' sex for years. She said that J didn't know or didn't try to find out, that he was just weird.
I had met him just before she got married while at a mutual friends wedding. He seemed quiet, and unimpressive.
It broke my heart to hear this stuff. She is such a good soul and she had the good heart to tell ME that she had faith in ME and knew I'd bounce back from whatever was going on in my life, even while not telling me about her crap.
While I know I can't 'fix this' I do know that if she does choose to ask me for help or support she'd get it from me, and from others.
What really made me sad was that here is a woman who will NOT leave her emotionally abusive husband because she loves her child and doesn't want him to grow up in a broken home. Yet I have a W who is not abused, but wasn't able or willing to deal with the issues in our life and she has no problem leaving, 3 times now, and for another man one of those times.
Frank, very well stated. Sounds like you are getting to a better place. You know the drill, find your path and stick to it. Let your W swirl in her directionless world without it impacting you in any way.
You (and Theoden) were my examples in this philosophy and I cannot tell you how much this has changed my life. Not sure where the situch will end up, but I now am so focused on doing what I want and pursuing my goals, that W's MLC world just seems to be totally irrelevant. To be honest, can't remember what I ever saw in her. Sad but true.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
If you men want to know what women really want and need, go to this site and give them your email address and you will receive a free daily newsletter written by a man to men about women. It is great! Hope you will pass it along.
Also, Michelle's books are on Amazon and the used books start at 13 cents plus 3.99 S&H. All that I have bought that were used were in very good condition. Hope you will spread the word to anyone that can't pay regular price right now.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you men want to know what women really want and need, go to this site and give them your email address and you will receive a free daily newsletter written by a man to men about women. It is great! Hope you will pass it along.
Also, Michelle's books are on Amazon and the used books start at 13 cents plus 3.99 S&H. All that I have bought that were used were in very good condition. Hope you will spread the word to anyone that can't pay regular price right now.
Sandi
I often recommend that website. But I think you shouldn't have posted to the 20+ threads that you did. A bit overkill.
