Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

I do realize that the changes in me would not have happened without this FREAKIN' experience.



Dont stop...more more more (giggle giggle ha ha)




Where is your stitch? Wanted to find it....



I looked for it and can't find it!! Can you link it for me???

Last night my sister stayed on the phone with me until 12:15. She is a rock. She let me cry - and have a bad night. AND she said TOMORROW is a new day. THANK GOD!!

So today is a new today. It doesn't erase what or where I was yesterday. The dang feelings were real. All of it. BUT TODAY is new. RIGHT!!???!!

Gotta get to work. Been here for an hour and been typing you guys!!

I really really hope that people read this thread and USE it at as a lifeline. AGAIN it IS NOT about
HOW to get your h back 101.
It IS about how to get YOU back #1!!

thank you

I do realize that the changes in me would not have happened without this FREAKIN' experience.



Dont stop...more more more (giggle giggle ha ha)




Where is your stitch? Wanted to find it....



I looked for it and can't find it!! Can you link it for me???

Last night my sister stayed on the phone with me until 12:15. She is a rock. She let me cry - and have a bad night. AND she said TOMORROW is a new day. THANK GOD!!

So today is a new today. It doesn't erase what or where I was yesterday. The dang feelings were real. All of it. BUT TODAY is new. RIGHT!!???!!

Gotta get to work. Been here for an hour and been typing you guys!!

I really really hope that people read this thread and USE it at as a lifeline. AGAIN it IS NOT about
HOW to get your h back 101.
It IS about how to get YOU back #1!!

thank you

I do realize that the changes in me would not have happened without this FREAKIN' experience.



Dont stop...more more more (giggle giggle ha ha)




Where is your stitch? Wanted to find it....



I looked for it and can't find it!! Can you link it for me???

Last night my sister stayed on the phone with me until 12:15. She is a rock. She let me cry - and have a bad night. AND she said TOMORROW is a new day. THANK GOD!!

So today is a new today. It doesn't erase what or where I was yesterday. The dang feelings were real. All of it. BUT TODAY is new. RIGHT!!???!!

Gotta get to work. Been here for an hour and been typing you guys!!

I really really hope that people read this thread and USE it at as a lifeline. AGAIN it IS NOT about
HOW to get your h back 101.
It IS about how to get YOU back #1!!

thank you

Howdy folks,

Just got to the office and am about ready to finish working on a business plan, but want to pop in and say you guys sure covered a lot of ground today! Well done!

Oh boy, Cagz, you'd have to go to the bowels of the BB to dig up all our stories. They aren't terribly different than anyone else who is here... but perhaps one big thing you can tell from your um, old, posters is that the one thing we share in common is the time we've had to heal. IMP and I have thrived post-D. Pam's journey took longer. Meredith thrived post-D and wound up remarrying her H all over again. If we had wagered on each other, I'm sure we'd have all lost a great deal of money.

But time DOES heal, and it helps when you become actively involved during the process. I'll share a little secret with you... it's an on-going thing. Just when you think you've completely gotten over something, something else will come along and remind you that you're just not quite there yet. Anniversaries are difficult, though the pain does lessen with time. I fondly call mine the Unniversary. The anniversary of my divorce? Annivorcery. I celebrate neither.

So I just want you to be realistic that there is no magic bullet or quick fix here, and we all still get caught up in some aspects of grieving for a long period of time. I did have to smile WITH you about the Olivia karaoke and crying. While that particular song brings happy memories for me (what can I say, I'm a child of the 70s and I love that musical), I found myself bawling while watching Bruce Almighty. Remember the scene at the end, when Jennifer Aniston prays to God to make her not love Bruce? For whatever reason, some screen writer tapped into my very prayer and made Jennifer look way better crying than I ever looked. (Sucks to be me, you know? She got rich off that one and I was stuck with the prayer in real life.)

Funny thing, that. If loving someone is a decision--and I believe that commitment IS a decision--then falling out of love is one too. My prayer was answered. (Pam nailed it when she said we look at THEM with rose colored glasses but look at ourselves under the microscope.) When I was ready to ditch those glasses AND the microscope, things started to fall into place. I could finally see my XH for the flawed human being he was. I could finally admit that the person he truly is now is not the person I married nor the person I would choose to fall in love with now. Don't get me wrong, I probably have the strangest R with my XH than anyone here--we're friends. I've forgiven him and myself for all of this crapola and we managed to rediscover the R we had before we were married. Well, without having sex. I digress.

He's a normal, human being with human failings and a path which is not meant to be shared with mine in the marital sense. I'm now okay with the fact that he no longer wanted to be married to me. I wasn't okay with it 4-5 years ago, but I am now. I choose to see him as he really is rather than who I thought he SHOULD be. I stopped treating him as though his choices were the worst thing that ever happened to me (even though I felt that way). And I started being the woman I knew I needed to be for myself and my daughters. This was difficult, damn difficult. But it all started with making small and wise choices in how I acted on any given day.

I was blessed beyond belief to have Meredith and Pam take the journey with me and to hold each other accountable for how we behaved, making sure they were in synch with our goals. Somehow, it's a bit easier to eat that elephant one bite at a time, when you just set yourself some small yet achievable daily goals.

Maybe your daily goal for the next month is just to identify one good thing about yourself every night. Or commend yourself for making a good choice as you choose to change. Or ending each day with 3 things you are grateful for each day. They all lead to bigger and better things. They all pave the way for you to heal and grow. And no, there is still no pill you can take to make the pain go away quickly. That's just something that happens when you learn how to forgive... him AND you... and it all just takes time.

You're doing lots right. Maybe you don't choose this path (what normal person would?), but you're making good strides in making the most out of your time in this painful pool. The only way out is through it.

And that's why we're here.

So I'll pass the kleenex and just tell you that the next time you hear Hopelessly Devoted to you, it won't seem as dramatic. And if you're PMSing, well, hell, cut yourself some slack. Go get some ice cream and just let yourself finish the job!

Now, back to that business plan. I've been up for hours thinking about getting some stuff out on paper. Time to get cracking!

Hugs,

Betsey

Underdog.

Wow, I gotta read that one over and over.
What an inspiring post!
Thank you

E

E--You're welcome! I'm glad you found something that resonated with you. That's what this place is all about.

Cagz--I'm back here today in case Pam can't. I'll let her catch up here when she can. But I went back and re-read something you wrote and just want to say wow. You get it. It was the part where you shared what you have learned. I don't know if you realize how doggone introspective your list is. Look down with a smile, because you've put on some real big girl panties! Seriously, this one is a gem:



I bet this one cost you a whole lot inside and my guess is you were grossly devaluing yourself to adopt the moniker "wonderful wife" according to someone else. Wow. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get this one.

Another one:



I'm deliberately cutting off the rest of your statement because he is not part of your big lesson here from my POV. You ARE walking testimony and a living example to your children. So is he, but I can promise you with a hand on a bible and an oath that your children are going to share their observations with you along the way and you are truly going to *KNOW* this for a fact. His choices are his, and yours are yours. You are their only hope in learning how to cope with his departure from your lives, so do it well.

Cagz, my D14 was only 8 (nearly 9) when her dad left... right after new years in 2003. She doesn't remember what she said to me the night he moved out, as we sat at the dinner table. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Mom, your anger scares me. I don't want to be scared of you, so will you change?" I was horrified and at that very second I realized that I truly didn't want my children to be afraid of me or my anger. It was then that I committed to working on how I expressed my anger.

A couple years later she wrote me a note on mothers day that I still have tacked up on my bulletin board. It was a beautiful tribute to me, but my very favorite comment--bar none--is the part where she told me, "I love you because you taught me how to treat others who hurt me or who don't want to love me." She told me verbally that learning how to forgive someone who doesn't want forgiveness was a valuable experience. And she doesn't remember how angry or awful I was when her dad moved out.

BUT she remembers every horrid thing he ever said to me. She remembers how he protected himself by lashing out at me. She remembers how awful he behaved when we began to work on our parenting arrangements. I had to show her my own forgiveness for her to be willing to forgive him for hurting all of us so badly. It was so doggone hard to make this choice, Cagz, but it was so worth it.

I'm not saying that your H will allow you to be the big person with your kids, but don't let that stop you from being that bigger woman. THEY will notice and they will appreciate the fact that you made the difficult choice to act with love rather than anger.

I'll share another tip with you. In the beginning, I was one angry, hateful mess. I had no happy thoughts and I definitely couldn't come up with anything nice to say about him to anyone. I don't think that calling him an a*hole could ever be a compliment? Anyhoo, the most positive goal I could imagine setting for myself was to not say anything about him to anyone. After a few days of finding out that it wasn't terribly inconvenient, I decided that I would work on talking about him without saying anything negative. Gradually, this intent spilled over into our communications and we worked on it. Granted, I had a willing participant. My XH didn't want to be an a*hole. And he was a quick study... he figured out very quickly that if he wanted my cooperation, he'd learn how to treat me with respect. But he didn't do it willingly. I had to treat him with dignity first, and it sucked because I thought he was the biggest jerk west of the Mississippi.

My whole point--and I did have one--is don't underestimate your power with your children. They are definitely looking to you to show them how to be. The better you that you present to others, the more respect they will show you as well. It works wonders when you're a single mom. At some point, they'll make it obvious that it's YOU they choose to be with. You just commit to building the path to make it all possible.

You truly are off to a terrific start. I know that you have a bomb anniversary coming up and all of this is overwhelming. Just tell yourself that you WILL survive it. You have support and help and your children love you. At some point, you're going to realize that you're good enough, friend. Just take it one day at a time, and one positive thought at a time.

Keep up the great job!

Betsey

p.s. IMP--I had to laugh at your have no fear comment. I loved that cartoon! I chose this name for several reasons and one of them was definitely hearing Wally Cox say that very phrase! On the other hand, I knew I was an underdog coming into this fight, but I knew I'd come out a winner no matter what my XH chose to do. Hell, I done good. And so have you!

Betsey,

One of my talents in life is an ability to imitate and I can indeed do the Wally Cox voice.

Did you see my favorite YouTube?

IMP

One more thing:



At some point this fear will work for you. I remember fearing the same thing. Once you get your sea legs back and you begin to see yourself for the strong, capable and lovable woman you are, you're going to fear that there is not anyone out there who is truly good enough for you. THAT is empowering, ladies.

Happily, I no longer have either fear. I'm undoubtedly not ready for anyone and honestly, I have to admit that I don't want to share my free time with anyone right now. I love my life the way it is and I'm afraid if I work too hard at anything, I'll want to date someone and screw this all up!

While I'm trying to be humorous here, I'm actually being truthful. I am blessed to have friends who helped me through it all and I'm finally enjoying my own company without needing to give away the company store.

LOL, I say this here and mean it but I have to confess that I had an awesome dream last night. I should be terribly ashamed to tell it all here, but I'll put it out here anyway. I dreamt that Peter Forsberg and I were dating. Oh yeah, dating with sex. I love hockey and I guess my Freudian self wants a sexy Swede? Anyway, I woke up really happy (well, hell this is as close to real sex as I'm going to get for the time being) and although I laughed aloud--hard--at this very thought, I had to admit that it was really nice to wake up feeling like someone was really THAT into me. It's not like I stand a snowball's chance in hell of dating Peter, but that dream was the bomb. I told D14 this morning and even SHE grinned, saying, "Way to go, Mom. You know I'd think that was cool, right?"

So just let this all go and everything will work out just fine. Trust the process. And yes, ask Meredith or Pam how many times we've said that to each other. Lots.

Hugs,

Betsey

IMP, LOL! Yes, I saw it, and it made me smile too. I absolutely adore 70s rock. Might even have that on my iPod.

Can you put your talents to work and do your own Youtube? I might have to pay good money to hear it.

well...I do need more money!!!