Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help...feel frustrated, helpless and sad! WAW/?MLC

Purr,
Not sure if you've been to MC yet. I was traveling back from a conference last night and didn't get a chance to read your post until this morning.

My MLC W and I have been going to MC for a month now. In fact, we have another session today.

I was very scared and anxious before our first session too, but everything will go alright...trust me. Any good MC will see what's going on in a heartbeat. Look at it this way, all of us non-professionals on this board had it pegged on your first post.

Here's what has worked for me in MC:

Fall on your sword. Let her blame you for everything. Acknowledge her feelings. Admit to the counselor that you haven't been the perfect husband. Do not defend yourself, and do not point out any of her flaws. You might be amazed at the stuff she'll dredge up. If you don't remember some slight from the past, say you don't remember. If she distorts something, say "that's not how I remember it." Key point: do not defend yourself. She's going to blame you for everything because MLCers are not strong enough to take responsibility for their own behavior. Let her vent. Let her dominate the discussion. Keep your cool. Do NOT let anything she says freak you out. That's the reaction MLCers are looking for.

At some point the counselor will ask how you feel. Try this:
"I think we're at a crossroads here. I think we're both at a point in our lives where we need to get in touch with ourselves and spend some time exploring who we are as individuals. I can't help her in her journey. This is something she's going to have to work out on her own. But I would prefer that we do this exploration as husband and wife because I think that ultimately, we'll be happier once we've resolved who we are. But if it doesn't work out that way, I understand. I know that whatever happens to us as a couple, I'll be OK."

If subject of lack of sex and physical affection comes up, try this:
"I really miss the physical part of the relationship. But I don't NEED sex and physical affection to survive. I will not stop breathing, eating, walking, or living because I'm not having sex. I'd prefer to have a rich sexual life, but if I'm not right now, that's OK."

Hope this helps. The key point is to take all the pressure off of her and let her know that you're OK without her (even though inside you feel like you're dying). It will take great strength to say these things, but I know you're strong enough to do it.

Good luck today, and let us know how it goes.

I know you're hurting bad, but you need to "cowboy up" for the MC session. I know you can do it.



Bomb

Hey B50,

Thanks for the support! Printed out your message and reviewed before MC. Think it went well...had "normal" conversation, went together to MC, W seemed pretty anxious but genuinely participated, actually did most of the sharing. Interestingly, she showed more emotion openly than I did, which was a bit of a role reversal. She was v. clear re: not at a place of reconciliation at this time, just to process/explore where we are, how we got here. I was working very hard to be strong so that she could say the pieces she needs to, even if that includes that she loves me but that it's over. It takes unbelievable heart and love to do that, even though it's not visible from the outside. Anyway, I did well with that part...really focused on listening, non-defensive, owned a few of my own pieces in this (but not in a matyrdom over the top way).

W asked MC about if we could longer sessions and wanted to continue MC. As we were leaving, she then asked if I wanted to go for dinner, but specifically asked for no R talk; I agreed, kept everything positive but rolled with everything. Had a really nice meal together; a couple of short awkward silences, but no big deal. Then, after I pulled up to drop her off, she spent 30 minutes with me and we were just talking about non-R stuff...she was quite animated, and seemed teary at a few points, but I couldn't tell since it was dark. Then she said that she just really enjoyed talking with me about things...seemed like she was really holding back tears at that point. I so wanted to ask her about the tears and hug her and tell her how much I love her, but I didn't. I just remained really present, listened, and was warm and friendly even though my heart was wanting to burst. She then said she was tired and should go, but it was pleasant, not curt.

We're on for another outing this weekend to see a production. When the bill came for dinner tonight, she said she'd pick this one up and maybe I can get the next one if we do dinner before going out to the play (yay! this was another addition!).

I feel like I did really well with myself and from a DB perspective, this seems like a "success". I got home and cried though because I enjoy spending time with her and still love her dearly. Even though I've just seen her, I really miss her deeply. And the MC was intense for me too...hard to be hearing some of the painful stuff and keep working at letting go. The urge to hold on / be close / cling is so powerful. I feel really good about tonight, but as I am writing this I am also so sad and having many tears. I don't really understand.

Thanks for your support B50. Before going in to the MC session, I imagined all the DBrs on the boards around me supporting me in spirit. The spirit of loving kindness and support which is so apparent in all the threads I read.

Hi Purr...you did amazingly well! I'm so pleased to hear that you got a chink of emotion through your W armour - and you handled it brilliantly! You didnt step in and hug her and tell her you loved her, you let her sit with her own emotions and left her dangling with them! I guess its a long road, but sounds like it went well, as opposed to badly, and you got to have dinner with her (I also had a few small silences on the outing with my BF, but I dont think it was a big deal, but yeah, I did admonish myself for it afterwards and vowed to have a bunch of interesting things to say next time I see him!). I think from a DB perspective it does sound like a success! You will have to wait and see what she does next now, and be patient as they say.

Its so hard to be though, when you get such little back, but thank goodness your W did open up in MC and you got to hear a bit of whats going on with her. And shes keen to keep going?

Ali
_________________
Me: 36
H: 34
LT: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
3 months on

Well done Purr!!! I think you did fantastic.

Of course you came home and cried. This will be one of the most difficult experiences you will deal with in your life. Look...I spent 20 years flying combat aircraft. I've had the wits scared out of me dozens of times, seen some things I wish I hadn't, lost friends, and endured long separations from my family. But nothing, nothing compares to this. I've cried like a baby...still do sometimes.

But after dealing with my MLC wife for over a year, here are some things that folks on this board have told me that have really helped to keep me from falling apart:

You will not feel like this forever.

You will gradually learn to detach, and as you do, you will learn to deal with the pain.

Be the guy she married.

Also, I don't know your health situation, but I've been on anti-depressants now for about a month, and they're starting to help. Others on the board have told me that ADs have helped them gain some stability so they can function better. Again, this is an extraordinarily traumatic life event. Seek out all the help you can get.

Hang in there buddy.

Bomb

Hi purr,
just read your thread and I am very impressed by the way you handled yourself at MC and at dinner!! Your situation sounds very hopeful and I think giving your wife the time she needs is going to be very beneficial in the long run.

I think her doing the initiating with MC and outings and more positive than you can see being in the middle of this MLC mess!

The reason I wanted to write is to lend my support to you and let you know I consider myself a success story. My H and I are together again and our M is stronger than ever! Read my threads to see the progression of crap I went through...In the end I DB'd to the max, changed me for the better and have realized what my H needs from me and what I need from me.

Stay strong and continue to do things for you! I understand how hard GALing is...I tried to do it with two young children at home and there were many times I couldn't! Read everything you can get your hands on, this helped me tremendously to stay focused.

You will see if you read my history that I was on the brink of D...went to court and everything. Your situation is not even close to that so that is a positive you can be thankful for!

Purr,

You are doing great. You have to tell yourself that you are going through a very difficult time that may not end soon. I had the same exact experience at the MC on Monday where W told MC and I it was over. I almost died, cried all night. I feel for you. Crying is good, it's like a good work out it feels good wjen you are done. I am in the same house with my W but just moved to the guest room Sunday. That has made a big difference in my sleep. Also you should be on some med's if you are crying all the time, it makes a big difference in how you function during the day. It's so hard to hear that it is over but i am not giving up yet. I am going heavily into detaching and last resort mode. I know I gave it my best and I know that I will feel better soon, the good lord willing if he says I may! Hang in there believe it or not you are doing great!

Hi Ali,

Thanks for your comments and support. Yes, she actually asked the counsellor at the end if we could have longer sessions, so it's hard to take this as a negative sign. My goal was to listen and really try to give her room without getting defensive, so that there could be a second session! A small step.

Miss her terribly today though...I got a one line email from her today saying "Good to see you yesterday" and then confirming the next session dates. I was hoping (stupidly) for a little more warmth...and a few more words would have been nice! I feel frustrated, but I'm thinking this is probably the usual thing that people talk about here with the partner getting closer and then pulling back. What do you think?

I really miss her today...feel frustrated at the same time with her...now starting to play my favorite game in my head of taking any positives (or neutrals) from yesterday and turning them on their head to make it hopeless. But it is so hard to see the hope sometimes!! : \

Purr

Hi Momof2,

I appreciate your kind support, and you've got the experience to back it up! Looked for your thread...had trouble trying to locate it. Is there a thread name / date range?

Thanks for your words of strength; it helps to hear from "survivors" who have made it through. I'm really glad to hear that your situation worked out positively for you, and will be looking to read up on your story.

Purr

Hi Purr,
click on my name and then hit recent posts. Makes for good bathroom reading!!! LOL

I also play the make everything hopeful hopeless game. When you do this picture a stop sign in your head and make it a point to change your thoughts then and there.

You have come to a great place for support.

B50,

You're the best! Thanks for your advice pre and post MC session. Yeah, I feel frustrated and sad. It's weird when objectively at some level I can step back (waaaaay back) and look at the facts here and say that this was good. Seemed like there were a few baby steps here, though I'm not sure.

I met all my goals of how I wanted to handle myself--not to get defensive, to be calm and friendly (even when gut wrenching, heart pounding anxiety / hurt / fear going on inside), to listen and not push, to own some of my own stuff. I also did NOT point out / bring up MLC as an issue (even though my W mentioned this herself a few months ago). This was very tempting at a couple of points yesterday, but I bit my tongue (hard) and you guys would have been proud.

I really wanted to talk about the MC session afterwards, so it was hard when she wanted to go for dinner with no R / MC talk. I thought I would respect this and that it's probably also good for us to have a little experience of just spending time together that is positive. She noticed some things about me and seemed curious / a little surprised about some changes I'm making (but I made sure to introduce these subtely and in a low-key. no big deal manner).

Anyway, I feel like a mess today...even though it seemed like things were positive, I got myself disappointed with my own hopes for a warmer contact today, and being met with a one line email instead.

Can someone explain the part about what it means when I read "time is on our side / time is our friend" on the boards? I don't quite get this part.

Thanks!!

Purr