Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? No children to draw him back.....no what???

I have read that too and I believe it. In my state, WAW cannot get a D without me signing. So, in that extreme, obviously it's my choice. But, many examples on here exist of the WA and LBS swapping roles and it's the original LBS that makes the call as to whether to try. Straightforward thought to me, so many LBS get hurt so bad that they decide whether it is worth it all and decide to continue or end things...in that view it was their choice.

I wish I could swap roles. Would make me feel a whole lot better. I just wish I knew if he ever thought about me and maybe misses me at times. I know it wouldn't serve a purpose to know but I still wish I knew.

Missing him today for no special reason. I wish he would contact me and say something nice.

THis is so not fair.

Pinkribbon - you are doing great!! Definitely GAL and good job staying dark. Wow I didn't realize you worked at the same place, that does make it tougher.



Quick thought on this - I really doubt it would make you feel better. Detaching does make you feel better, but wanting your M over is pretty darn painful. When I got to that point (briefly) it was an eye opener as to what my H had been feeling, but it sure didn't feel better.

My thought is that when the roles swap the original LBS really has GAL. I feel like all of their DB has healed them from the pain of being a LBS. I feel like that until the LBS heals themselves they will they never get the chance to choose rationally what they want. Additionally, the WA will not even consider the destroyed, depressed, lost puppy dog...the LBS must GAL, do 180's, get their life in order, keep up the PMA, and in short, find happiness in their daily life in order to have a chance for THEMSELVES to live a meaningful life, not to mention their R/M. It's about you...make yourself a magnet...

I don't think it can be that painful to want your marriage over. My husband decided it and stuck to it and all the time admitting how much happier he is and and how he can't change his mind not WANT but CAN'T. So it can't be that bad. If I had a choice I would have picked to be a walk away spouse then the one left behind who hurts. hmmm hurt, pain, crying, suffering on one hand.....new relationship with a much younger person, no hurt, no pain, partying with my friends, and wife and child instantly gone in other hand.....I would have to say I would pick hand B anyday over hand A.

Almost makes me wish he would come back so I can kick him out to let him see how it feels.

Please don't assume there's no hurt or pain - you can't read his mind, so you just don't know. Most of what he's doing is most likely to hide/cover the pain.

Someone who is in a happy, healthy, loving marriage doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to have an affair. There is a LOT of pain that the person went through before that happened. It's just so much more sudden for us as the LBS, I think. What the WAS has been thinking about for months or years (and while they've been working on detaching from the R that whole time), the LBS has to take in all at once.

I honestly haven't seen anything that you love or want about HIM specifically, in any of your posts. It sounds like you want a significant other in your life, and you loved your idealized version of him (which is not the real him). This is definitely normal and natural to want! But I hope you're really stepping back and looking at that.

My H asked me once in the beginning of all this if I truly loved HIM or if I just loved our life together and what I thought we had. Rather than answer right away I really thought it through and found that I DID in fact love him specifically - but it really is something important to think about.

Maybe try visualizing your ideal R - what would it look like? Who would YOU be in that R, and how would you act? What would you want from your partner? (don't make this about your H - write down what you would truly want in a perfect world).

Honestly I don't know what I could say to you to make you think I want him specifically and not just a warm body. I have had opportunity before and after and I choose to be alone. I could go on about all the fun/nice/sweet/caring things he did but why should I? Doesn't change how I feel only the way you perceive how I feel.

And I don't agree about the pain for a WAS. I don't think and never will think they they feel no pain about their decision. How could they feel pain when they are instantly bedding someone younger or new. I don't think it was painful while they cheat not only on their spouse but the family as a whole. I don't see any pain on their part.

You don't need to convince me - I just meant to be sure of it for yourself.

"I don't think and never will think they they feel no pain about their decision."

This I agree with but I think based on the rest of your statement ("I don't see any pain on their part") that this may have been a typo.

It's going to be really tough for you to develop any empathy for your H if you continue to believe that, and I can almost guarantee from reading so many stories here that empathy will be critical if he does decide to come back. That's a key to pretty much every success story. You can see it all throughout the Piecing threads.

You might get some benefit from reading some of the threads here on the "I'm thinking about leaving" forum: (they were a huge eye opener for me in the early days of trying to understand all this):

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=66&page=1

Many of those are from women as I think they're more inclined to post before doing anything - but here's one from a WAH:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1250494&page=1#Post1250494

A few more from the H perspective:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=983623&page=2#Post983623

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1041992&page=3#Post1041992

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=956986&page=4#Post956986

And one more recent one from MLC - FavoriteWeirdo's wife is Butterflymom who has been posting for a long time. They reconciled and he posted to give the MLC H perspective.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Board=28&Number=1278144

Here's an older one (this one's also from a W but it still gave me a lot to think about):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=303986&site_id=1#import

I wish I could find it - there's a long thread (or maybe series of threads) from a WAH who decided to come back. He and his W posted back and forth for awhile about what he went through before leaving, ending the A, coming back, etc. I was totally shocked at HOW much pain the H had experienced before he left. The A in that case I think developed as many do - a "friend" empatizing with him about all the pain he was in, "truly listening" to him, helping him realize there were other alternatives out there and - whoops all of a sudden SHE is the "other alternative."

Granted your sitch may be different. I haven't seen it yet, but maybe you had a happy, healthy, loving M and your H had an A anyway. Like I said haven't seen it yet - but I'm sure it happens, especially for people who don't value monogamy. In a lot of ways yours sounds to me like he never really wanted to be married to begin with and for whatever reason he did it anyway (which I think is a really cruel thing to do to you).

I've always felt that when the WAS is releasing all of their anger, it is to show how much pain they are/were in. And I believe that is why they crush you so with D papers and any other awful words/acts just to further validate that anger, hatred, whatever feelings etc...That's why so many refer to them as demons and such...completely different person than what you have ever seen before.

Regardless, it is very clear that you harbor a lot of negative emotions. If you stand any chance, you will need to diffuse those emotions.

jmw - definitely agreed, I think the pain comes out through the anger a lot of times.