Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Walk Away Fiancee

Nate. She was messed up before you even met her. It is no failure on your part if she is mentally ill. You didn't do this, so you can't fix it.

Perfectionism will get you nowhere in future relationships, either. Lighten up, lower your standards for yourself.

Oh, and in case fish wasn't clear....forget about Amy. She is an absolute, worst-case, lost cause. Unfixable.

Nate... a solution journal now? WHY???

Why do you want so little for yourself and your future?

Let's say she comes back - you already KNOW she will be a bad wife and mother. She's already proven she'll avoid issues and lie to your face (i.e. planning the wedding while clearly planning her "getaway"). If you insist on pursuing a future M with her, PLEASE at least tell me you won't bring kids into this world with her.

I know it hurts, I really do. Please read all the stories here. You have a chance to cut your losses and pursue a GOOD future. You are honestly lucky to find this out now BEFORE it's a huge financial strain (not to mention the added emotional complexity if kids are involved).

Don't you want a good future for yourself?? You do deserve it - please believe that. From what you have told us here, you just plain aren't going to find that with Amy - she thrives too much on the drama. She is not going to change and you are not going to fix her. I think the VERY best thing you can do is work on letting go of her, then figuring out why you considered her a good life partner... then figure out how to FIX that and choose an actual "partner."

About the PM thing - for whatever silly reason the board shows the PM option but it doesn't actually work, except for the admins.

Please let me preface by saying I am not trying to get Amy back...I am just trying to understand what happened so I don't make the same mistake again...I want to learn...

Well...after my meltdown last month where I contacted our old roommate Annie (Amy's brother's girlfriend) when I found out about the joint checking account, I went dark with Annie. Out of the blue she contacted me yesterday because a mutual friend saw me out over the weekend. She was curious how I was doing. Over the course of our conversation I learned the following:

• Amy is seeing the guy she opened a checking account with.
• He has been recently deployed to Iraq for 6 months.
• Annie said "This is all her...she is just a different person...I don't even talk to her anymore...sad"
• Annie said "She has just changed. Nothing you did or could have done to prevent that. It was not you."
• Referring to the opinion that Amy's family has of me Annie said "No one things you did anything wrong AT ALL!! Trust me!!!....it is not a reflection on you."
• Annie said "You are a great guy and it is her loss."

So after the conversation I was a little hurt by the fact she is seeing the new guy. But after thinking about it...I am OK with it...she is not in a relationship with me anymore...she can do whatever she wants.

After speaking with Annie, I think I may have put the pieces of the puzzle together. Here is the information that I have put together to reach my conclusion:

• Amy had a troubled childhood that involved alcohol and abuse of some type.
• Amy had a troubled home life and ran away from home at the age of 16.
• Amy has low self-esteem (fake boobs).
• Amy is angry and defensive.
• Amy has no direction in life.
• Amy has a history of not maintaining friendships and relationships...no one is allowed to get to close.
• The building stress and of the wedding, responsibility of a future marriage, and idea of settling down was a trigger for Amy.
• Amy increased her social activities and "hanging out" with friends.
• Amy has increased alcohol consumption.
• Amy has made a recent series of changes for the sake of making changes.
• Amy has recently exhibited impulsive behavior in relationships with me, her family and her dogs...she is running from everything.
• Amy is seeing a guy that is 9 years younger than her.

My conclusion is that Amy is having some degree of a Midlife / Emotional Crisis. This is much more about HER than it is about ME.

Thanks for listening and all the feedback...I appreciate it!!!

Nate

Nate, thanks for keeping us posted. I think Amy IS indeed having an emotional crisis. I don't know if I'd label it as "midlife crisis" seeing as how she's been unstable for just about her whole life. That's who she is, and it's a good thing you saw her true colors BEFORE the wedding.