Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Good bye friends

Hey, a comment about MC/C. My C didn't say anyting about MLC, menopause, either. He did rule out depression in the first session.

I've got a hunch that many C's dont' believe in MLC, or that they have learned the best way to deal with it is to NOT name it in front of the person going through MLC. The key term in MLC is crisis. Maybe we face many and the MC/C treat them the same way, not with MLC being different.

Just a thought.

Cat,

No. You can't go. You are needed here and I think you still need this forum. One good thing about all this is you can finally give up hope and fully emotionally detach from your marriage. Let it go, let him go, let all the ugliness of the past go and move forward in your life. Time to get away from all the drama of the past. Stay away from H and his personal problems for now and work on the D details and ensuring you and your daughter have a secure future. If he wants to talk tell him relationship talk is OVER, now it's D details only. You are focusing on your future. All that past sh!t is over. You have already heard it, you don't want to go over it anymore, no apologies, no talk about it.... you are moving forward in your life.

Put the cr@p behind you.

P.s. It's a waste of breath and energy to try and convince anyone they are in MLC or that a marriage a WAS wants to leave ever had anything positive in it. Don't even bother. In fact, it's best to agree it was bad and leave it at that.

This is killing me, he said so many things that contradicted the past 2yrs of C and all sorts of stuff he said, planning to move when we retired, adding an extension to the house, all sorts.
HOW how can he do this?

Just got a txt from him, saying he's changing his T, that he is so easily influenced and regrets having told that stuff in a mean way, that he isnt' blaming his T for his behavior, but that his T influenced him in some sorts to push me away & focus on him. I was the one who found that T, also the MC from yesterday, it's a group, i regret it so much, they were both useless new age T/Cs. What if? what if we would've seen different Cs? would the result b the same, up to the time he lived w/me he talked about us trying to understand each other, then WHAM, hits me with old stuff as an excuse. And I guess,event if it is a lousy excuse, perhaps he needed one to walk away because he truly doesn't want me.

I told him I didn't hate him (he thinks I do) but that he killed whatever lov I had for him. He did, I hurt because of kids and that I could've had the "american family" , but I don't hurt by loosing him, specially since he still contacts ow, I wouldn't care much if they went back together as long as he keeps her away from kids.

I look at my past and I did make him happy and he did love me, had had bad times, and prob that's when the old grudges held him hostage and depression reminded him of the stuff I said, which kept alive those old wounds.
Whatever I had say doesn't hold a candle to what he's done to me, time and time again I've forgiven him so many terrible things, but he wasn't willing to forgive me for those 2 things and let that stuff fester until it rotted him to the core.

What if..

I had a dream, i wake up and he is kissing me all over, i'm baffled and he says "oh, i want to stay with you, all that stuff is gone" I was so happy but afraid it was a dream, so , in my dream I wake up again holding onto him making sure it wasn't a dream, it almost had me convinced. He txted me just now he had a dream all things were back to normal. Still apologizes for his attitude (still wants a D) and hopes we can work things out

ARGGHG!!!! just got off from a round of txts with H, I did get some more stuff out of my chest, I was planning on writing a letter, so I'm glad it's over.

Basically, he was unhappy but didn't show it, told me I hammered him down so badly that at the end he did things out of character, that he was just trying to pull through but now he was doing with me being so controlling, that he finally can tell me the truth.

Yes, I was at a degree controlling, nagging, and I'm not proud of that, with kids and his depression & untreated ADHD it created an unhealthy combo. I do believe that he's been a ticking time bomb, just eating it all up til it exploded in the worst way.

It drives me nuts that he always talks in present, like I never changed, never addresses the changes I made and totally disregards the 2 yrs of piecing and of my 180 changes, they never excisted, they were worth nothing to him, prob too little too late, the damage was done.

I have to remind myself God forgave me for that, He did even if he never will.

Cat,

I'm sorry to hear your news. Don't threaten your friends here with your absence, there are lots of places on this board you can move to. I agree, posting in piecing probably doesn't make much sense for you right now, emotionally it would send yourself the wrong message.

As for your R with h, try to quit obsessing about it or trying to understand it. Quit trying to get him to see things your way.

(1) The way you see things today will be very different than how you see them six months from now. NEITHER of you has an objective outlook right now.

(2) Unless you two are actively engaged in trying to mend the old M or create a new romantic R, *there is nothing to work out*. It isn't his job to work through things with you with respect to an R that he is no longer in. The same of course is true of you.

(3) WHO CARES about what recognition he gives to things you have changed in your life. Do not look to him as a source of validation or support. He is neither. It is not healthy to try to squeeze either out of him or to depend on him for those things.

Grieve the end of your old M, but let it go. Let go of being right, let go of trying to "win," let go of making him "get it."

Take good care.

OT!!! such a sight for sore eyes. I do need a good 2x4, you are right, it is useless trying to make sense of this can of worms, trying to get a statement *I want to hear* from him, it still won't change a thing. It is what it is.
You are right, there is R, why do I waste my time trying to rearrange this "dead bouquet of flowers"? trying to make it look good one last time?

*sigh*, thank God for you all.

Cat,
First of all.. shut it... you're not going anywhere. You're staying right here.

Now, as for your H, whether he meant those things or not, you are at a place where you're ready to move on. You are at a new phase in your own process. You want out. I know that feeling. I've been there myself... Where I felt completely confident and strong without H.

You do what is best for you and your kids. Your H can rewrite history if he wants. You have taken accountability for your "mistakes" in the M. Has he?

Just because you're moving towards D doesn't mean you have to leave this board. You have formed relationships here and we all know your sitch. Please don't leave because you feel you're a poor example of piecing.

Please continue to lean on us.

As for the things your H said, he is probably trying to justify in his own head why he continues to behave badly. Just let him spew and ignore it (try).

We love you. You know that.

awww PS, i love u all too, I won't dissapear completly but will lurk here and there, I truly think I 'll scare folks with my horror story.
Won't leave you all for a while, as you can see I still need a few 2x4's. BUt I think I got it now. Still figuring out the degree of politeness I'll use when H comes around. I was rading this D book and it said it wasn't really the amount of time kids spend with each parent that matter, it was the way the parents behaved towards one another that affected the child. Must keep that in mind. I told him this am in response to his txts that i dont' hate him, just don't love him anymore. I know as time goes by I'll get a better handle of things, this is just so recent i guess, still getting used to the idea of final S.

Cat,
That is absolutely true. We know that children are negatively affected by divorce. But they don't have to be. If the parents get along and work together to coparent, the children will do just great. I had read this when I was going through what I thought was going to be a D (we went to mediation and everything). Also my C told me the same thing.

I believe you and your H can have a very cordial relationship. A good guideline is to treat him like you would a business colleague. You don't have to be warm and gushy. But you should be cordial and respectful (even if you have to fake it).

I know it's hard. You can and will get through this.

Do somethign nice for yourself. How about getting yourself a massage or a pedicure?

Cat, sorry things are not going well now. I am just bumping around checking to see if there is anyone here I know and found your thread. Keep moving forward and please, don't leave.

P.S. Wow, OT, you're still here?