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Ali,

I think it's great that your H is open to change, and asking you to let him know what changes would be best for you. Wow, that's got to feel nice. You should carefully take advantage of that. Just stick to the big stuff, like his temper, drinking, etc.

Now about YOUR changes. Seems like he's not getting the response from you that he'd like to get. We men are pretty simple so my guess is that once you discover what he needs, it's going to be pretty easy to keep him fulfilled.

Men are often criticized for "only wanting sex", well reality is that sex holds the key to most mens hearts, and contrary to our societies view, that's not a bad thing. The act of being physically intimate in itself tells us most of what we need to hear from our women, no other words are necessary. And the intensity level of the sex, shows us the intensity level of the passion our women have for us. It's all about communication, not ejaculation. That's something I wish every woman, especially my woman, knew about men and their desire for sex.

We're looking for recognition that we're loved, desired, and are worth the complete affection of our woman, and that ultimate recognition is spelled SEX. I think most women see mens sexual desire as a physical need, but I assure you it is far more an emotional need than a physical need. We can take care of the physical need ourselves, usually at the drop of a hat, but the deepest emotional need can only be fulfilled by our loving partner. It's all in their control.

If only more women would see this as a prescious opportunity instead of another duty or burden. Ask most men and they'll probably say it's THE most important thing a woman can give her man. The heck with the laundry, the meals, the dog, the bills, the crappy attitude, have sex first, keep sex first, and take care of everything else after that.

Now after saying all that, your man needs to give back to you the things that make you feel that emotional fulfillment. It's a two way street. So this is an opportunity for you to give it all to him, AND to teach him about YOUR needs.

I love your attitude!

COG

I also need to add this to my previous post. It only applies to MEN, not boys. A real man will recognize, accept, and cherish the gift his woman is giving him, a boy will exploit it. That's why it's such a bad idea for a girl to have sex with a "boy".

But realize that even the best of men may float between boyhood and manhood. There may be times or tendencies of exploitation, and those times should be dealt with appropriately. Ask him in the most sensual, sexual, intimate voice "am I dealing with my man or a boy"?

God Bless,

COG

Cog~ thank you for your kind words. You have an amazing way of explaining things to me.
Yes I am very excited about this precious gift.... it was amazing to put my ~EGO aside and just listen to everything he said. And " see him with my heart" I actually closed my eyes and listened to him and was not thinking of a rebuttal at all. I just accepted what he said even if it seemed so far from what "I" feel for him.

I actually heard him and felt his pain and like when I first talked to you about the pain I cause him by not letting go,,, I felt it even more this time,, my heart ached for how "Ugly" I make him feel.

And all I have left is to confront myself and hold onto myself and change somehow. I am reading Passionate Marriage and believe me i have read it before, and highlighted many pages and now it is as if it is an entirely different book. My H pain jumps out at me and the way I hide behind my own pain and cling to the past instead of living in the now and soooo much more. I find it amazing that that same book says different things to me now,,, I look at this as....:
I in the past was looking for many solutions outside of myself and I do believe from what I have read today that all the answers lie within me but I must be willing to look first and really see who I am and how I contribute to this.

I am also amazed at the fact that my prayers have been answered and really and truly he is coming at my like a MAN, he has enough respect for me to let me know who he is and what he wants,, he used to hide behind a facade of anger. I melted yesterday when he said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and then today I was a puddle on the floor when he said " I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU AND ONLY YOU, YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I WANT TO BE WITH."

It was as if God was coming down and touching my heart and my Husbands, I was beside myself with gratitude and emotion. I cried so hard while he was talking to me. This is the MAN.... the real MAN I knew all along was underneath his BS exterior of anger and bad behavior.

Now the hard part comes in letting go of the past and trusting in this and looking to the future with new eyes.

I read this today: TRUE REMORSE ,involves more than verbal acknowledgement. It also requires an immediate change in behavior.

Interesting.. so by me just saying it and then holding onto the past real hard and not letting the real me thru says to him loud and clear:
I am not sorry I dont FORGIVE you , so just take what I am giving you , cause that is all I have. BLEH~

He even said today that he knows I can do more than this and I have it in me but I choose not to. Well he has said that lots of times but before he never said it like this and I was always ready to defend my distorted sense of self,, but he sees me with a different lens and he needs me to be who God really wants me to be.

Facing myself today was hard and hearing the ugly parts of me stung and yet it hurt more that I hurt him.

I also read that I can demand him to be what I want or I can be the person I know he is attracted to . I alone decide which is more likely to bring him around.

Maybe it was me who was afraid ,more than him. I do think it scares me if he loves me like that,, cause it forces me to face intimacy and love him even more and them what on Earth would I do when he is not here? It was easier to look outside and try to fix x, y or z.

'HOLDING ONTO YOURSELF IS VITAL IF YOU WANT MORE SEXUAL PASSION , NOVELTY AND DESIRE IN YOUR MARRIAGE' from ~PASSIONATE MARRIAGE...............

Happiness requires self mastery and self control..... from ~PM






I am afraid to look at myself ,, cause I know this for sure I need to love myself more, all my life I have wanted someone to really love me flaws and all and he does and yet I still do not. I see every flaw in me, like I have posted before. It is so easy for me to love others but me that is hard.
I know this wont happen overnite and at the same time I am tired of living like this,,


techniques cant solve interpersonal problems only changes in us.... can!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~ from PM



Enough babbling*
Back to my book. I am coming down with the FLU~ so I took a nap before after I read a lot and now back to reading and working on my new Miracle....

..........me loving me and in turn loving my H more and not being afraid of seeing myself in his eyes.

he loves me very much..... embrace it instead of FEAR it.

God bless, ~Ali

We talked on the phone for a long time last nite... he called ME~!
It seems surreal that he would call and still want to talk it out , he says we shouldnt have to talk about this cause we have been together so long and he doesnt realize the beauty of when you have been together this long.
You can talk about it and if you both are working towards it the Goal is so much sweeter.

I am also posting in the SSM forum. I dunno if it is the right place for what I am going thru but I feel like my sex drive and my intiating etc , etc , etc are a big issue. He says I have been promising him I would get better and I never have. And when I was posting today I had a lot of feelings come thru that I did not know were there.
I am going to post there also as a release for me and if anyoone happens to give me advice or 2x4s even better.
I will continue to post here also it is funny but even though it is posting just the same it feels different to post here than it does to post in SSM. I feel I can completely talk about sex and only sex when I post over there.
I am continuing to read PM and also I am today feeling somewhat better and have begun my spring cleaning ... I am wanting for the house to look fab for me and for me to have time to be with my hubby when he gets home. House work and making love and laying in bed for a few days when he comes home dont mix!~
I also have to remember to get our Room ready for Romance. I am going to get some massage oils and candles and really make an effort to spoil him. He should be here with in 2 weeks..

Back to cleaning.........

God bless, ~Ali

I am afraid to look at myself ,, cause I know this for sure I need to love myself more, all my life I have wanted someone to really love me flaws and all and he does and yet I still do not. I see every flaw in me, like I have posted before. It is so easy for me to love others but me that is hard.
I know this wont happen overnite and at the same time I am tired of living like this,,



Little girls so easily look at themselves in the mirror and love what they see. They smile, they primp they dress up. Maybe if you can practice that and primp.....it will be more fun for you. And easier to love yourself.

~ THANKS FOR MAKING ME SMILE..... ( MY DAUGHTER DOES DO THIS) ...........I WILL GIVE IT A TRY~

God Bless, ~Ali

Ali,
I am reading a book Men,love and sex; testimonials from men about these things, and it states that all men really want to do is satisfy their woman in bed, it is a very big part of their ego, and self worth.

I keep sending TJ sexy TM's. I told him he is SO sexy to me.

They LOVE that stuff, and it make me feel good that I am providing a positive mirror for him to gaze at.

Thanks for the tip Holly.... I actually think I am going to start a notebook and put ideas in there. I used to be so creative and then it just ,,,, I dunno where it went.


I was also just flipping thru the channels before and saw some Movie with a Woman dancing sexy "striptease" type of dance... now if in the future I pull that off I would be soooooooooooooo proud of me. MY H would be floored to say the least ,, and it could be fun. I guess I sometimes do fall into the trap of same old same old.

SG~ today I felt beautiful regardless of my mood or others I just wanted to radiate that feeling and I felt good all day at work considering I have been feeling under the weather. I actually took nyquil and had a fever while at work I know I should have stayed home but I had to go none else could take my appoinments. Thanks for the tip, as simple as it seems if I at least try to look in the Mirror and like what I see it may just help me in the future.

~Thanks and God bless, ~Ali

You are everything to me and you dont even know this, for years I have been right beside you and you have pushed and tested me as much as you can and I allowed you . I allowed you to hurt me because you were hurt. I allowed my strength to leave me and I allowed myself to fall to my knees and stay there. I allowed your Mother to interfere and for you to be a shell of who I know you really are. I invite you to come with me and let me really love you and let me in. Or do you want to be alone still while laying right next to me entirely alone?
I am scared for you, this I have told you in not so many words,, you need to allow the gifts that we ( * the kids and I *) give you from our heart in.

You want to come home and soon you wil be here. I really let you go this time. I didnt hold on and I didnt hold my breath , I allowed you to miss me and grow some. But you do need to grow still and I do to. I need to know that regardless of what you do or dont do for me that I need to find love in myself and strength in me also.CLICHE~ no I had to really let you go this time, and button my lio when my EGO was ready to come into play, tell you like it is when necessary too, and let you put wings on and fly and see if you wanted to really love us and come home for real this time.

I am scared too, I am scared you will come home but you will still be , be gone and not really here just somewhere else...... I am tired of that and so are you , you have told me this and told me that you need me.

I dunno if you will finally let me in , but I will try my damndest. I will try everyday to know that it is all about you and that you love me and have placed your heart before me and said here it is it is yours and I want to spend the rest of my days with YOU and YOU alone.

I have prayed for this surrender for soooooooooooooo long and it is here and I will not let this GIFT slip thru my fingers but you need to walk with me and accept the GIFt accept me as I love you, take it in and embrace it. Can you really do it, I dunno , but I pray you do.

You were trying to be negative and said today "well I hope you all give me....."

I stopped you and told you " you need to look at the positive and take the gifts the kids and I give you, you are so focused on the negative,, I can focus on the negative to, there are so many negatives one can focus on but you know what, I focus on the positive. You can do this too. When you come home and life gets in the way still look at the gifts and allow them in. OK?"

He said "OK....."

I am called to be strong and carry him for awhile and be the rock and not falter. I hope God will help me, I know he will but I need to keep my eyes and my heart open and not let life pull me down. He needs ~ME. I need ~ME too,,

~Wow.... I am up for this and there is no place for ~FEAR to take over.
It is really and truly time to just do it and go thru the fear dont let it paralyze me or hold me down ......
this will be the one of the hardest things for me to do. Completely surrender regardless of the outcome. Give myself to you my H and stop living in the past and letting fear hold me still when I need to move forward.
God Bless, ~Ali

I am sitting here typing this and seeing that I have long allowed many things to get in the way of my Happiness. I allow myself to get in my own way. Old habits are hard to break.
Ugh....

My H and I talked on the phone yesterday for no less than 2 hours straight........ it was absolutely amazing.

He made it thru the whole time without his temper flaring.... he also allowed me to say things I used to be afraid to say. I also made it thru without interupting him too much.

We talked a lot about our sex life and we also talked about our relationship in general. He said we need to wor on our sex lifa but also our R and be aware and for me to remember what he said.
He wants me to.....................~
he needs me to initiate a lot more.....
enjoy myself more.....
be more creative.....
remember he loves me....
he thinks I am beautiful , always has.
he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he wants to live it to the fullest not be Vanilla be an exotic flavor like maracuya ( passion fruit*).......
be more sponataneous.....
rty to understnad him better...
do what he likes....
support him in his Business and life....
Be a part of his health and well being....
take charge..........
be a B*tch once in awhile ,( be more agressive and assertive * )
show him whos boss once in awhile.....
enjoy myself and let go more and yet at the same time be more aupportive of him and lift him up and be more loving to him.....
realize he needs me.....
be vulnerable and let him see my joy and my pain and show him how I love him,, ne needs to feel me.

When our conversation was done I looked at the phone and couldnt believe we spo[e for that long and that I heard him and he heard me.... I started to tell him "..... well if I stumble and fall..."

and he said there is no room for stumbling honey just do it.

As much as I want to compare him to a drill seargeant he is right.
I also would not expect him to keep stumbling and falling . I would expect if he loved me to give it his best and if just by chance he stumbled and fell I would get him up and brush him and and expect him to keep moving forward. But constant falling like he used to is no longer acceptqable so I also musy seize the moment and devour him and leave him with a big smile on his face.

I have been trying to tap my inner sexual diva. I am trying to feel like a sensual being and allow myself to feel sexy more~!
When I talk to him on the phone I say naugthy stuff and I also smile a lot more and I am also taking Ginko Biloba ( sp ). I read last year it helps Libido somehow.
But also I am just realizing I need to ~desire him more. Not so much search for the feeling in me , or to always be in the "mood ". I need to desire him and then hopefully all the rest will flow. I am scared but at the same time I realize that he wants me to feel this and to feel him , I need to face the fact that he wants intimacy and stop being so d*mn afraid of it.
he even told me when he has gotten into heated discussions with me he wants to ML to me to show me he loves me and nothing else matters. That was very insightful.... I always took at is " how dare you want to ML to me right now........."
he added .. that is the way I show you I love you.

I have gotten that in the past but then I forget that is the way he says a big ILY to me.
I can live on a spoken ILY but he needs to ML the ILY to live and to feel alive.

I am tired of repeating myself and talking about the same things over and over I want to talk about new things we encounter and new things we learn, not focus on the problem but have fun with the solution.
I want to move forward..........

Babbling... Goodnite....

God Bless, ~Ali