Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again W not angry any more and wants to work on the M

Hey GFI,

I've had a quick read through and think I know what the missing link is, it's not forgiveness, I think the issue is trust, I need to re establish trust with W.

OK, I need to think more and get to work on that.

Thanks for that.

Lan

Hey All,

I forgot to tell you all that W is away out of town this weekend to see one of her good friends. I took her to the train station and as I saw her off we had a hug and a kiss and she said ILY Lan, I'll miss you this weekend. All I could say was have a nice time (Doh !).
That's the first ILY since the bomb and I froze, I couldn't say ILY back.

Anyway, W has phoned to say she's arrived safely she didn't say ILY this time but she kept thanking me for all my help.

So despite all my ramblings about forgiveness etc I was forgetting about the real progress W and I are making in our R.


Lan

Lan, Of late I'm beginning to think that love, God, forgiveness, happiness have as many definitions as there are people or books. Some strongly believe they know the meaning of these words but for me the more I probe the less I realize I understand.
Why not ask W?

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Sandi

Hey fb2,

very simple and straight forward and probably needs to be done. The only reason I've not done it so far is I've been waiting for W to start R talks, which shes done once recently and was very tentative about it.

The closest she's come to this subject matter was some time ago where she said she knows shes hurt me and doesn't think that I would be able to forgive her. I guess a good question to ask would be if she wants to be forgiven. Before anyone jumpes up these talks will not be to grant "conditions of forgivness" it would just be a lead in to start talks about us in general.

Lan

Lan,

no book suggestions, no forgiveness explanations. BUT (ha!), I was talking to my T last night and I told her that I was wondering what to do when let's say my H comes back. What should I do? Should I have a long lasting explanatory convo about the past, leave it to that and proceed? She asked me why would I need to talk about the past in terms of facts etc. She said she believes a couple after a crisis should move on. She said, "you need to forgive and eventually forget the volume and the pain of the feelings you had. I asked her (thinking of you, honestly) HOW do you do that?........
She said "it's your thing, you should figure out how (smart a$$), but I'll help you with this : if you don't, you will be divorced in less than a year." She didn't want to talk about it more beacuse I AM NOWHERE near piecing yet but I thought I would tell you this.

It does sound as a blackmail but I think for me personnaly, she is right... The funny part is I am already past this stage. I have forgiven him I feel, but I wonder if it all comes back once you are actualy together. If the focus now is somewhere else and then goes back to feelings...

Let's hope I'll find out.

Kalni

I am facing a dillemma in my sitch whether to "deadline him" or not? I would love to hear what you think about it.

Hey Kalni (an all)

The reason I'm hung up on this subject of forgiveness is when my W had her first A 2 1/2 years ago I thought I had forgiven her, but when I read through the many definitions of forgiveness I realise that I hadn't actually done so. So although some of the hurts bitterness etc had faded, a lot of my subsequent actions were governed by what she had previously done. So that's why I'm asking the question, so I can get some better guidance this time round. I could say loads more on this point but that is the bottom line.

Now that I think about it, forgiveness is just one part of the whole healing process so I'm gonna try not to make it the main sticking point to moving forward.

Hey Kalni

W saying ILY was probably a big step forward for her on the journey she's taking, remember just a few weeks ago she was calling me a "Waste of space". I couldn't respond to her ILY cos my poor little brain was trying to compute this.

ILY, "Waste of space"
ILY, "Waste of space"
ILY, "Waste of space"
ILY, "Waste of space"
ILY, "Waste of space"

Which one is it really ?

All I could say was enjoy yourself while this thought was still rattling round in my head

Lan

Lan,You are still hurting. Going from WoS to ILY maybe W's preliminary act of forgiveness. Perhaps the A was to hurt you back for some perceived injustice rather than W's misdirected passion. Maybe forgiveness in not just a big one-act play but a series of little acts. That way W will move into the wasted space one ILY at a time and you will inch your way over the rainbow to the honey pot Does it make sense or am I being too Forrest-like?

fb2,

Laugh out loud !!!!!

But seriously though I tend to agree very much with what you've just posted.




Maybe the same here applies to me.


Lan

OK Lan,

I can't resist: what if you take it all together as one sentence in your head and process it as "I LOVE you My waste of space" and consider waste of space as an affectionate term...

Seriously now, I am sure there were a lot of moments when you thought you wouldn't be hearing these words coming out of her mouth again. ...?

Kalni