I think many of us were fuzzy on the boundaries and not very wise in knowing the difference between a threat and enforcing a boundary. I often sat around wondering why I would tolerate behavior from some people that I would NEVER tolerate from my children. Then I began to realize that if I didn't stand up for myself all of the time, nobody else would. Basically, I was teaching others how to treat me by the way I treated myself.
Just an example, and maybe this will hit close to home for some. Why would I allow someone to lie to me when I would hold someone else's feet to the fire?
Good for you in enforcing the boundary for friendship. That's a start. It's unfortunate that he chose the way he did, but it's better that you honored yourself by taking better care of you after he made that choice.
Where do you need more support in this regard?
Okay, now that you have identified some good things about yourself, what are a few things that you would like to improve?
One note about him having your power. You didn't make this distinction, but one can never steal power... we give it away. This is a very tough way to learn how to keep our power and how to be flexible.
I still catch myself in this struggle now and again. I'll whine to myself about being stuck in a big house, with bigger payments than I'd like, bigger taxes and bigger upkeep. Then I remind myself that not selling the house was MY idea and MY choice. It gets me off the blame wagon and reminding myself that I always, ALWAYS have choices. I may not like all of them all of the time, but I have choices nonetheless.
I'm not saying you do this too, but this is one of the big areas I tended to get stuck reliving. There's just too much temptation playing the victim, and honestly, every once in awhile, I feel I deserve to be one. But 10 minutes later, I'm honest with myself that it doesn't provide me with a solution, nor does it empower me. I get over it when I force myself to remind me that I choose what I choose.
I'm hoping you realize through all of this that your H's choices are not a true reflection of you and your worth as a woman and a wife? I'm pretty sure that IMP has said this in his own words, but I just want to say it again. His choices are about him and his own character flaws and hopefully he'll use this time as a chance to learn more about himself. It's probably doubtful since he's not here, but you are, and that has to be a good thing for you personally. After all, you're the one seeking to better yourself.
Progress is great, C - and you're getting this.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
You know what the first boundary in my life was? (ok that I can remember) It was in September when H started talking with OW again. I said that I would be his friend and help him through his stuff on 2 conditions no ow and go to counseling. WELL HE CHOSE HER AND QUIT counseling. This is suppose to be better for me....yet I lost my husband.
I only have a few minutes as I have some places to be today, but I needed to respond to this.
PLEASE don't do this to yourself!
YOU did not drive him away, YOU did not cause him to make the choices he did, YOU did not make him quit counseling. He did all of these things. Enforcing that boundary did not cause all of this, Czm!!! My best guess is that if you hadn't set that boundary (which, in my opinion, was a good one), he may have done the counseling thing for a bit, and would have most definitely seen OW behind your back.
I know in my old ways of thinking, I would have taken responsibility for it also, so I am not trying to jump all over you here. I would have thought that the counseling would have "saved" us, and I messed up that opportunity.
Pfffffft. (Is that the right way to show air being blown out of your mouth in a disgusted manner? Well, it is now!)
Had he gone to counseling, he would have been phoning it in at that point, more than likely. If it makes you feel better, I was in counseling with my H 10 years ago and those lessens are just NOW making sense to him. Now that he is ready for them. Your H isn't at that place. And that is most definitely not your fault. And, it is not your responsibility to get him there. Hell, it isn't even possible, anyway.
So, PLEASE drop this guilt now. This is all on him. You take responsibility for the things you can (and need to...for YOUR OWN happiness) change. The rest? A waste of your energy.
Betsey, glad to have you on board. Mer, still missing you.
What is good about me? I am the most loyal person I have ever met. I am actually pretty good with money (it wasn't me afterall) I am half way decent looking. I am a good mom.
Well, lets see then... Taking into account your self esteem right now, I would say that the truth is closer to: You're a regular Donna Reed, just much hotter, and Suze Orman better watch out!
Quote:
Thats where I have gotten today. December of 07 I would have only said that I was loyal.
But 10 minutes later, I'm honest with myself that it doesn't provide me with a solution, nor does it empower me. I get over it when I force myself to remind me that I choose what I choose.
Betsey
