My h text me late last night and said he wants to come over this morning and work on having a REAL friendship with me, & that he is done gambling on our M and that he needs to take care of himself now, and to please not think he is being selfish.
I feel like I need to be the strong one today and that I have to voice my concerns. I need to let him know that it has to either be me or the booze, and until he is sober - I don't think we can have a healthy R.
I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, but I feel like it is time that he starts to fix him, rather than always pointing the finger at me. TIPPER
Well I dont think he is going to call me or come over today.
I am sure he is in a state of total confusion, about wether to return to work on the marriage or to tell me he would rather just be friends again.
He said he would call & come over this mid-morning and it is now after noon and no sign of him.
I wont pursue him. I will keep you all posted. I hope so bad that he will listen to what I want to say about the booze ruining what we have got started. But I am sure he wont want to hear it. TIPPER
Well my H finally came over around 1:30 on sunday. He came in and asked me if I remember any of the fight we had the night before because he didn't remember it that morning when we made love since he was so drunk on friday night.
I said yes I remember it and I am sorry I was so mad and angry, but I would still like to work on our M but it doesn't seem like a healthy way to start of a reconciliation with him drinking so much and going to the bars everynight.
He said I have always known he is an alcoholic (which is not true, this is only a thing he has struggeled with for the last 3 years since he went in debt) and that is not going to change and that he likes his new lifestyle and new friends and hanging at the bars. He said he just doesn't want to change it and that I cant accept him for who he has become and that I am living in the past. He said he's done faking it and we have to be adults and face the fact that our Divorce is inevitable.
On his way out, he actually asked me if he could grab his beer out of my fridge and he had such a childish grin on his face while going to get it. He then gave me a hug on his way out and I gave him a kiss on his neck while we embraced. As he was walking out the door he said he hopes we can still be friends. I said yes as one tear dropped down my face.
After he left I just lost it and cryed so hard. This was the 3rd bomb I have been through in less than a year and he has become a full blown alcoholic - it is so hard and sad to watch what he is doing to himself and us. TIPPER
Chicki, I don't know if he is bi-polar or not, He says that he thinks he is slightly bi-ploar because he read about it last summer when he left me the first time.
He was diagnosed with Depr. about three years ago and he didn't like taking the meds and wouldn't try therapy so he gave up on that help after about 6 months. Besides he kept saying "I cant drink and take the meds it makes me sick" so he stopped the meds (lexipro) and started to just drink more and more and more and more.......
His parents agree that he is depressed but they don't think it is bi-polar cuz they never really saw his extreem Highs (the Manic phases) only they saw glimpses of the depressive phases time to time as he was growing up with them.
I have read a lot about the topic of depression and I seem to think he may be bi-polar, but he also seems to fit the topic of Covert Depression really well.
Depression runs in his family, he hated his childhood and resents his parents for physical abuse from his dad & cowardness from his mom, and he has had some real traumas in the past few years (his bankruptcy of his 1st business, failing on his 2nd business attempt, & a few deaths in the family).
Covert depression is caused by all of these types of things, and he is also doing all the things that covertly depressed men would do with his bandaids and addictions.
I think my H feels like a failure and cannot face anyone or anything from his past life, so instead he is trying to start a completely new life for himself in all the wrong ways. I do believe that he still loves me, but he just can't deal with his guilt and shame around me.
I have also read before that a Divorce is sometimes what it takes for these guys to start to hit rock bottom and to wake up. I am so scard to go through it though, for some reason I am so afraid that if that happens that I just won't be able to love him the same anymore.
In the end of june, our legal seperation will come upon the 1 yr mark and he will then be able to file for a no fault divorce. I am dreading it. Before he left last weekend for the third time he said to me that our divorce is inevitable.
Are you and your H divorced and can you tell me a little bit about your H's sitch/behaviors/words/attitudes. I am all ears. TIPPER
Depression runs in his family, he hated his childhood and resents his parents for physical abuse from his dad & cowardness from his mom ...He said he's done faking it and we have to be adults and face the fact that our Divorce is inevitable
you are quoting my H right?
Ditto about the drinking, my H never drunk in his life, and when he left the first time he started drinking and pretty much his life went down hill fast.
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I am afraid that I really messed this up. I do feel like the issues I have with him needed to be talked about and I just did it all the wrong way.
I sure hope you are not shouldering ALL the blame as of why he left. Ok, so you could've brought up the subject differently, if he wanted things to work between you he wouldn've hanged on even after your hissy fit and talk to you the next day, not grab his stuff and left. During my good months of piecing back in 06 (when H really tried to work things out) I also lost my temper and said things in a bad way, my H hanged in there, listened and later on we'd talk things out. You are not to blame for his leaving again, he obviously isn't ready to piece and flew the coop at the first sign of trouble. Piecing is hard hard work, there are bound to be uncomfortable convos, but it is all heading towards a healthy place.
I will now quote some awesome stuff I got while I was hanging onto my H for dear life when all he wanted was space:
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This is Frank quoting our dear dear grasshopper
Quote: I hate to say this CM, but you HAVE TO ACCEPT that it might be over, at least for now, it IS over. Your W may not return but you have to let her go, and I mean REALLY let her go to find out if she ever will.
Every time you have one of your "blow ups" it's because you allow your perception of what SHOULD be, or what COULD be to become a weapon which her perfectly normal reactions to you use to inflict pain.
She is acting like a woman who is ready to divorce, sure the marriage is over and is moving forward with her life. You are acting like a husband who's wife continues to do things to hurt him and can't figure out why, as if there were no separation, no pending divorce, no OM, no future other than the one where everything goes back to "normal."
Unfortunately, THIS IS NORMAL in your life right now and the sooner you embrace that, the better.
I am not saying to give up on reconciliation but I am saying to let go of that expectation.
I know how this goes. I know why you lash out. You don't know what to do and you just get to your wits end, thinking that if you are shocking enough, you will shock her into reality, YOUR reality, and she'll realize just how foolish and selfish she's being.
The sad part is that it's her life to do that with if she wishes and the longer you force yourself into the role of "daddy" keeping her from making her own decisions, the longer you will be trapped in this role of miserable left-behind husband.
One last time. Keep this in the forefront of your head 100% of the time as you make decisions that you HOPE may influence her to give your marriage another chance some day.
SHE HAS TO WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU!!!!!
Everything you do/say in regards to her should pass through the filter of "will this make her want to come back more?" If the answer is no, then don't do it. The would mean you would stop begging, stop being an a$$, start DBing and GAL, invest in your counseling/meetings, in short, be a upstanding, compassionate, loving man who extends those things first to himself, then to the rest of the world.
Again. Before you even ask us, you should have already asked yourself; Is what I am about to do going to make it more or less likely that she will return some day?
Do this and you will start to get ahead of the game.
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That anger and sense of abandonment was the hardest part of this whole process for me to deal with initially. I felt the urge to knock her rebellious arse over the head with a club and drag her back into my cave by her hair. There was no way I was going to let a rival take away what was rightfully mine. Those good ol days are gone, so I had to come up with an alternative. Society gave them free choice.
I came to the realization that maybe I could be happy in my cave without her. I've been experimenting over the last couple of years in doing just that and I can report to you that I'm doing just fine in my cave on my own. I think its all in our ability to do that if we can just leave that caveman mentality to the curb. Anger, jealousy, and possessiveness is a primeval instinct and a strong one we need to learn to control. We are not entitled to ANYTHING in life. Including life it's self. As easy as it comes, it can go. We need to learn to appreciate what's at our feet in the moment realizing it could be gone or replaced in the next. We cling so desperately to what we've acquired thinking we deserve it, we earned it. We start looking at life as if there were a scarcity of things that make us happy. We do anything to hold on to it, because there is no substitute for it. If we learn to look at life as if there is an abundance and it's ours for the taking, loss wouldn't make us so unhappy. We can simply let go and look a head to the next treasure we dig up. It's out there all around us. It won't matter in the end because we are not going to take anything in this world with us when we are gone. Our best hope is to leave some goodwill behind.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Chicki, In the end of june, our legal seperation will come upon the 1 yr mark and he will then be able to file for a no fault divorce. I am dreading it. Before he left last weekend for the third time he said to me that our divorce is inevitable.
TIPPER
Hey Tipper! I dont know about in your state, but here In NC once my H moved back in with me the separation papers were null and void and they started all over again...Now we have started all over another year. Orginally my H moved out Dec 06, then back again several times and actually this last time he didnt move back in, he still had his rental house and was only staying with me occasionally, but our papers now read Dec 07...so that added a whole nother year to our separation!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Chicki, I am still wondering if you could tell me about your H's depression/situation more.
Kissak, I will have to look into that because I have never heard that about the legal seperation starting again if they are to come back and leave. My lawyer told me that next year he will be able to file and never mentioned that.
Cat, That was very helpful to read those quotes. Thank you. I know that I simply have to face it and accept it that he just doesn't want our M anymore and is looking to change a lot of things about his life. I am trying to put the focus back on me again now that he left for the third time last week.
Its like as soon as I get back on my feet and feel a little happier and healthier, he comes running back as though I am his security blanket that he doesn't want to get rid of no matter how hard he is trying. I feel so differently about him this time around, I see him as such a poor character that I acually pity. I am scared that the things he goes out and does are only gonna make matters worse. He has allready come over once while I was at work to get some things, and he has text me two times looking for things that seem unneccessary (like his golf clubs when it is still the winter & he is low on funds). I feel like he is checking to see if I will respond at all or nicely.
I do believe he has some sort of depression (like bi-polar, or covert) but I cant pin point it. I guess it doesn't matter much, it is what it is. But I have a strong feeling that he is going to keep cycling everytime I get a little too far out of his grasp.
I am doing allright and staying very busy as I have been through this before and have learned how to bounce back quicker now. I have just purchased a new jeep, I went to join a volleyball league on wednesday, I go out every thursday to a trivia night, I have had a friend come over to work on art for two days and I created a great Mosaic & my weekend is allready too filled with events. I will be better this time around gaurenteed. However, my Love for my H feels like the sand dropping through an hour glass. TIPPER
